


Lacuna

by soloxsoldier



Series: Lacuna Series [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers - Freeform, Black Panther - Freeform, Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Captain America - Freeform, Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Civil War Team Captain America, Complete, F/M, Hawkeye - Freeform, Protective Bucky Barnes, Scarlet Witch - Freeform, T'challa - Freeform, Wakanda, Wanda Maximoff - Freeform, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, steve rogers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-16 16:34:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 64,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15441177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soloxsoldier/pseuds/soloxsoldier
Summary: Lacuna:A blank space; a missing partErin McCall was suppose to be one of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s top recruits. Nick Fury had been desperate to get her into the program since she was 14. With perfect grades and an off the charts SAT score, her future seemed set. It didn't hurt that her father was head of the Bio Mechanics division of S.H.I.E.L.D. along side her brother. But ever since the collapse of S.H.I.E.L.D. caused their deaths, Erin's once solid future seemed to collapse with it.Haunted by the things of her past, she's been a wanderer, traveling all over Europe. Now living in Romania the 8th place she has settled in since leaving everything behind, she happens across the famous Captain America and his team. After saving their lives, Steve tells her of the inevitable war approaching, Erin feels she has no choice but to help in any way she can. Before the Infinity War begins, Steve wants to wake up his best friend, James Buchanan Barnes, from his cryo sleep. Erin could be the key to fixing his destroyed arm... and making him smile again. But when Erin is forced to face the things that haunt her, can she learn to trust Captain America and his team.. and her feelings for the Winter Soldier?





	1. Epigraph

_**"You were a risk** _

_**A mystery** _

_**And the most certain thing I'd ever know"** _

**-Beau Tapin, "A Certainty"**


	2. Prologue

**"Nodus Tollens (n.) The realization that the plot of your life doesn't make sense to you anymore."**

_**April 2014** _

"Vibranium is the rarest metal on earth," Erin McCall said, "The only known place it can be found is here," She directed her red laser pointer to a spot on the map displayed on the screen behind her. "Wakanda is among the ten smallest countries on the African continent, but ranks 3rd in overall wealth because of one thing: their ability to mine and manufacture vibranium. For years, countries from all over the globe have tried to buy, steal, and replicate the way Wakanda produces the precious metal, but the African state has kept their secret for many generations." She explained as she paced in front of the first row of desks in the classroom. Most of her classmates were looking as bored as she expected, but she wasn't doing this for their enjoyment.

"There is a legend among their people," She continued, "That the first of the Wakandans came upon the metal after it crashed down to earth. One of the tribe leaders by the name of Bashenga believed it was a gift from the gods. He utilized the metal, forging it to make weapons that were used to defend his people from neighboring tribes-"

"Miss McCall," Erin's professor interrupted her. She turned to look at him to see an unhappy expression on his face. "You know this is a mechanics engeneering class and not a history lecture, correct?" His desk sat in front of the room to Erin's right so she hadn't been able to keep an eye on his expression during her presentation. The fact that he interrupted her felt like a bad sign.

Her classmates' chuckles echoed through the room as her professor teased her. Erin tried not to let it bother her so she straightened her shoulders and turned her attention to her teacher. "I'm aware, Professor," She said, "If you would let me finish I promise I will get to the point."

The professor gave her a skeptical look but nodded at her to continue.

Erin turned back towards the class, "These early Wakandans used the metal for many things such as hunting and building. It also became a key to winning wars that kept out many unwanted visitors. Through the generations they've studied the metal, using and wielding it. It is as sacred and valuable to them as gold is to other countries," Erin turned her head to the professor, "They found other uses for it as well, including something medical: ligament aid." Her professor simply raised an eyebrow.

"This discovery blasted Wakanda decades ahead of every other country in Africa in terms of medical advances. It was used to protect wounds from infection and stop bleeding. It was also used as a cast for broken bones. Scientists of the early 20th century found an old journal from a Wakandan healer who found a way to crush it into a powder that would stop abdominal pain and help prevent massive blood loss." Erin gestured with her hands as she spoke, trying to convey just how important vibranium had been to the research of Bio-Mechanics.

"People from other countries passing through Wakanda didn't see the value in the metal until the beginning of the Great War, A.K.A. World War I. Unfortunately, this was when Wakanda's economy was at an all time low. They had to resort to selling their precious metal to five countries: the United States, England, China, Russia, and Germany. All of these countries kept whatever they did with the metal tightly under wraps and to this day there's only a small circle of people who know what the original five countries each used the metal to create.

"By the beginning of World War II, vibranium had been used on all kinds of prototypes, including weapons, armor, and robotics, but by then one ounce of vibranuim cost nearly 250,000 dollars to produce. That would not even manufacture half a bullet, let alone shield an entire army. Captain America's shield is made from solid vibranium," She pressed the button on her clicker to change the slide to a photo of the shield, "And it was worth about 9 million dollars... in 1943. Since then it's value has most likely tripled and as the economy goes down, the value will go up-"

"This is not economics either Miss McCall-" Her teacher taunted.

"The most interesting thing however," Erin spoke over her professor, "Was one of Germany's vibranium experiments. They used the metal to create robotic ligaments." Erin clicked the slide showing several images of various prototypes. "During World War II HYDRA, the rogue Nazi science division, found a way to use the metal along with a complicated string of engineering formulas to produce and replace fully functioning body parts. Vibranium is not only the strongest, but the most compatible metal known to man. It can transform to almost any circumstance it's put in and can withstand nuclear blasts. It also possesses the ability to conform and merge with certain elements to create movement. HYDRA figured out a formula that would allow casts of the metal to form into replacement hands, arms, legs, and fingers. Anything that could be molded, they were able to replace."

Erin clicked the button in her hand to move to the next slide, "When HYDRA fell and World War II ended, every scientist in the world wanted their hands on vibranium. Every nation was looking for a secret weapon to give their country the edge.

"The U.S. based S.H.I.E.L.D., found schematics of HYDRA prototypes, but had been unsuccessful in recreating them. In the 70s, S.H.I.E.L.D. scientists found the key: adding a solution that will enable the wiring to function similar to blood and joints. S.H.I.E.L.D. did research up until the Vietnam War, ultimately shutting down the project due to lack of resources. But the point I'm trying to make through all of this, is that I believe that with the right technology and sound minds put into it, vibranium could change the way we view quantum bio mechanics and ultimately the loss of limbs forever."

Erin looked at her professor, signaling him that she was finished. He stared at her for a moment before letting out an exasperated sigh, "And how would an average Joe on the street pay to replace his leg with the rarest metal on earth?"

"Well it would take time-" Erin tried to argue.

Her professor cut her off, "And in that time, how much metal would we waste on prototypes? Test trials? How much would the first official limb cost?"

Erin opened her mouth to say something but shut it knowing full well she didn't have an answer. She could feel the heat of embarrassment rising on her cheeks. Her grandfather would have been disappointed.

"It's a nice history lesson Erin," Her professor gave her a sympathetic look and took another deep sigh. "But I'm afraid it's just not plausible."

Erin opened her mouth to protest, but a tremor throughout the room stopped her. Erin looked around to see the lights flicker for half a moment before returning to normal. Erin looked around and saw the same confusion plastered on her classmates' faces, but whatever it was seemed to vanish as soon as it came. Her professor scrunched his eyebrows together like he had imagined the shake in his mind, then looked back at Erin and her now slightly confused classmates, "Alright, any questions for Erin?"

*****

Erin walked out of the classroom with her graded project in hand: 76%.

"Hey it could be worse," Her friend, Jill, said to her as they walked the hall towards the stairs, "At least you passed," she offered.

They both attended Georgetown University and from the third floor window of the I.T. building there was a nice view of the national mall and the Triskelion, headquarters of S.H.I.E.L.D. The building shined bright in the afternoon sun. Her father worked on the 42nd floor of that building along side her older brother, James. She wondered if they would be disappointed in her 76%.

Erin sighed and shoved open the door to the stairs. She and Jill started to descend. "I haven't gotten a 76 on anything since AP organic chemistry."

"You took that in high school... when you were 16."

Erin gave her a look, "I just got so caught up in the history of it all," Erin said, "Wakanda is a fascinating country."

"So fascinating." Jill joked.

"Like the fact that the panther is sacred in their country for a reason, but no one outside of their people know why," Erin blabbered on while Jill wasn't looking at her, "Did you know there's a legend there that says in every generation a single warrior is chosen to be a guardian that protects the people? It's a mantle passed down from generation to generation." She looked over at Jill, but her friend looked just as bored as her classmates had been.

As if just now realizing Erin was there, Jill turned her head to look at her, "I'm sorry were you saying something?" She teased.

"Shut up," Erin shoved her playfully, then looked back down at the piece of paper in her hand. "I'm thinking about maybe pursuing a minor in Wakandan history."

"Minor?" Jill said surprised, "What do you need that for? A minor is suppose to be a backup plan in case you didn't realize how insane you were for picking your major. You've had a spot lined up at the S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy of your choosing since you were 17, you intern at STARK industries every summer, I honestly don't even know why you bothered going to college." Jill chuckled dryly, "Although if I received a full ride I might have considered it too."

Erin ignored her comment. "I don't want the job just because my father is the head of the Bio Mechanics division of S.H.I.E.L.D. or because of who my grandpa was. I want it because I earned it and earning it includes suffering through 8 years of school and getting a Ph.D. in Bio Mechanics in Engineering and Chemistry before I can even apply for the Science and Technology division at the S.H.I.E.L.D. academy." They reached the bottom of the stairs and made their way to the building's front door exit. The sun shined bright through the clear glass doors, "And besides, James did it."

Jill rolled her eyes, "James was smart by graduating high school early and got his Ph.D. in half the time you're talking about. You seem like you just want to take a long stroll through the park." Jill shoved the front doors of the building open and the sunlight poured over them as they began to walk the campus ground back to the dorms. There was some commotion going on as her and Jill walked further into campus. Erin figured it was another school rally and the sororities were simply being ridiculous again.

"Just because working for S.H.I.E.L.D. is about 99% my future, doesn't mean I can't explore other things and keep my options open-"

"Erin!" Jill yelled stopping them in their tracks. "What is that?" She yelled pointing off into the distance.

Erin's head followed where Jill had been pointing and Erin suddenly became aware of her senses. The commotion wasn't coming from idiotic frat boys, but from the Triskelion. Suddenly, the ground shook and a large BOOM sounded in Erin's ears. People were starting to push and shove moving towards the direction of the Triskelion.

Erin couldn't take her eyes off of the building unable to process what was happening right before her eyes. All she could do was put a hand over her mouth and watch in horror as two of three helicarries above S.H.I.E.L.D. fell into the lake and the third crashed right into the 42nd floor of the building.

___________________________

_**"And all I gave you is gone** _

_**Tumbled like it was stone"** _

**-Miia, Dynasty**


	3. Chapter 3

**"Solivagant (adj.) Wandering alone"**

_**May 2017** _

"Cat costa?" Erin asked the woman, knowing it meant How much? in Romanian. She set three plums and a book in front of her on the wooden fruit stand.

The name of the woman Erin had addressed was Ana. She was the owner of the fruit and vegitable stand Erin frequented every morning before Erin's shift at the coffee house down the street. Ana also had a small selection of used books for sale on the side. Sometimes they were donations, other times Ana would except them as payment in exchange for small amounts of fruit. Either way, Erin always loved seeing what different kinds of books appeared each morning. Every day the inventory was different and Erin loved it. Today, Erin spotted a copy of the Romanian version of Romeo and Juliet and couldn't pass it up.

Ana smiled at her and replied in Romanian, "For the book, 5 euro. But, today, the plums are my treat."

"No, no, no," Erin tried to protest.

"Yes, yes, yes," Ana replied, "You look tired, Erin. I hope this small act will help you rest easier."

Erin gave in and smiled back, "Multumesc," She replied, Thank you.

"See you tomorrow morning," Ana said giving her a parting smile and began to help the customer behind Erin. Erin grabbed her book and bag of plums and started towards the coffee shop.

It had been over three years since she witnessed the collapse of the S.H.I.E.L.D. Triskelion. As she walked, Erin thought about how much her life had changed. Since then she had lived in eight different cities. She never stayed in one place too long, just enough to learn the culture, pick up some of the language, and earn enough money to move onto the next place. She was a wanderer, never quite fitting in wherever she went. It was as if she didn't seem to belong anywhere.

But she liked Romania. She normally would have moved on by now, but the city of Bucharest was inviting and friendly. She felt more at home here than she had in years. It made her want to stay for a while longer.

As she walked, something pulled Erin from her thoughts. It was a slight irritation in the back of her senses. Something felt... off. She walked this route every morning and every afternoon. She memorized each streetlight and walk sign all the way from her apartment eight blocks back to her work place, four blocks ahead. She did a 360 turn, taking in her surroundings like she had been trained to. Her eyes landed across the street from Ana's fruit stand and saw what was different.

It wasn't something it was someone, several someones in fact. Three individuals were lurking outside of an abandoned science complex across from the market. Erin watched as one by one, they each slipped into the structure, looking around to make sure they weren't seen. How stupid of them.

In the months Erin walked this street she had never seen anyone enter that building. It was shielded by a thin layer of trees from the market's view. You wouldn't even notice it if you didn't know it was there. It hadn't been used in years and was starting to be overrun by plants and dust. Ana had told her that some people believed it was haunted and demons still lurked there stealing children. Others thought it housed ghastly monsters that experimented on trespassers. Not even bored teenagers or homeless squatters bothered going near it.

Erin looked across the street in front of her and could see the little coffee shop four blocks ahead on the corner, then looked back towards the abandoned building. The last of the three individuals had disappeared inside. Erin stuffed her bag of plums and book into the bag at her hip. I can be a few minutes late. She thought to herself. If the monsters decide not to eat me. She turned to her right, looked both ways before she crossed the street, cut through the trees, and followed the intruders inside.

****

The building was dark, the only light came from the broken windows high above in the main entryway. Everything in the building screamed abandoned. Scattered pieces of furniture littered the floor of the lobby and fallen debris was everywhere. Weeds crept in through the cracks in the floor and a thick layer of dust seemed to cover everything. There was still a check in desk in the middle of the lobby. Erin walked past it towards the back of the room. There was a sitting area with broken and knocked over chairs just outside of an open door that led into sectioned off hallways. Erin crossed the threshold and ventured into the back of the building.

She could still hear the bustling of the street on the other side of the building, but it felt like a whole planet away. The quiet made the complex feel like another world.

Erin followed the passages that led left. The further in she went, the darker it became. There were other hallways that sectioned off of the main passage that led to the right and the left. She heard a noise come from one of the hallways. Quietly, she followed the sound. For the first time in months, she reached out with her senses. When she turned a corner she saw the three figures she spotted earlier walking deeper into the maze of hallways. Like a tingle in the back of her brain, she could feel the slight pulses that radiated off them.

The three figures headed straight through ignoring another passage that led to the right. Erin would have ignored if too if she hadn't felt what was coming.

She stopped in her tracks just before a fourth dark figured appeared from the shadows of that dark passage, but the three people ahead hadn't noticed it. Erin stopped and looked at the figure that had just emerged. The figure was a tall male. He hadn't noticed Erin yet. He was dressed in a dark combat suit, a few guns strapped to his hip. Erin didn't know if it was the darkness of the building or if she was starting to believe Ana's stories about the monsters that the locals said lived in this building, but he looked like a dark soldier sent by the devil himself.

It wasn't the gun strapped to his hip that had Erin worried. It's what she felt him reach for in his belt that made her cry out. In two seconds, he clicked a button that made the circular object blink red. He lifted it up and Erin knew what it was.

"Look out!" Erin called ahead.

The three people ahead whipped their heads around just as the dark soldier was about to release the bomb from his gloved hand. It was two men and a woman. Erin had seen their faces so many times, she knew exactly who they were.

Wanda Maximoff's hands instantly glowed red as she directed her telekinetic energy to stop the man's arm from throwing the bomb. Next to Wanda, Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson moved into action.

Steve sprinted down the passage managing to leap and bound over the debris and was in reach of the man within 5 seconds. With one punch, he knocked the dark soldier out and the small bomb rolled out of his hands and onto the floor. Erin held her breath for a moment, but it had stopped blinking red and she released her breath.

Until now, Erin felt like she had been watching a movie, but she came crashing back to reality when Steve Rogers looked straight at her and started stalking over her.

Shit. Erin thought to herself. Realizing she was no longer invisible, she stumbled back and started to run back the way she came, but she knew it would be in vain.

Steve's powerful grip grabbed her jacket and spun her around to face him, pinning her to a wall. Erin couldn't suppress the painful gasp that escaped her lips as her head collided with the wall. Stars danced in front of her eyes for a moment until they focused on the angry expression on Steve Roger's face. Erin thought he had looked big and strong in videos and her grandfather's pictures, but he was much larger in real life.

"Who are you?" He asked her, his grip unrelenting.

All Erin could do was gape. She would describe her behavior in the moment as star struck. Captain America was a legend among her family and meeting a legend apparently caused Erin to have a temporary brain lapse.

"Why did you follow us?" He demanded.

Erin couldn't focus. Not because of Captain America in front of her, but because of the body of the dark soldier on the floor. He had countless electrical gadgets strapped to him that were now distracting Erin. She couldn't seem to shake it.

"Are you sure she speaks English, Steve?" Sam Wilson said coming behind Steve with Wanda at his side.

"She said 'look out' didn't she?" Steve looked from Sam back to Erin.

His blue eyes roamed her face suspiciously. "Do you know who I am?" Steve asked her calmly in broken Romanian.

Erin managed to regain control of her focus. "Most of the United States military are looking for you," She replied back in Romanian, "Captain." She said in English.

Sam's eyebrows shot up. Wanda looked fierce as ever, but slightly impressed.

"So you're American." Steve said speaking English now.

"Born and raised."

"What's your name?"

Erin didn't have time to answer before the explosion set off behind them.

________________________________________________

_**"It didn't matter that she fell apart,** _

_**it was how she put herself back together."** _

**-Atticus**


	4. Chapter 4

**"Vagary (n.) an unpredictable instance. A wandering journey. A whimsical, wild, unusual idea, or action."**

 

Erin hadn't felt that one coming. She had been too star-struck by Captain America and distracted by the gadgets on the fallen soldier to notice the two other dark soldiers sneak up from the passage behind them. Her weak senses hadn't felt the other bomb.

The blast caused Erin to be thrown back against the wall. The contact was harder this time and she felt a sharp pain in her head as she landed on the ground, stars dancing in her eyes. After a few seconds the pain began to subside and she managed to lift her head up to see that Steve, Sam, and Wanda had been thrown back several yards away from her. They seemed alright, but they struggled to get up.

"Trage-le!" One of the men in black shouted. Erin registered the forceful words Shoot them! in Romanian.

Wanda's red glow collapsed the ceiling in front of the dark soldiers, giving the four of them enough cover to run for the exit.

"Go!" Steve commanded and the four of them sprinted back down the hallway, shots flying past them. They came to another corridor and rounded a corner to hide. Steve and Sam pulled out their guns strapped to their sides and started firing back at the enemy. Wanda picked up various abandon objects on the ground and hurtled them across the hall.

All Erin could do was watch and feel completely powerless. She usually carried a handgun with her, but it needed cleaning so she left it at her apartment that morning . Her mind was racing and she couldn't focus her senses on one singular thing. All the commotion that was happening around her made the bullets and gadgets blur together.

She closed her eyes and focused all her energy on feeling for the biggest threat. She expanded her senses and focused on what she was looking for. For the first time in months, she embraced this thing that felt like a curse and tried to use it for something good. That's when she felt another pulse across the hall. She opened her eyes to see a blinking bomb landed between Sam and Wanda. Sam noticed it and shoved Wanda out of the way. Erin saw him throw his hands up to cover his face from the blow. That's when Erin acted on instinct.

The little tug inside of Erin came alive. She let the feeling consume her as she focused all of her energy to reverse the electric currents inside the bomb. She didn't think about the next part. She ran to pick it up. It only took her seconds to grab the bomb and throw it back at the two soldiers who looked bewildered that the bomb had been a dud. Erin reached for that feeling again inside of her. Another tug from Erin's gut and the bomb went off just before it landed at the soldier's feet. The two men flew back and landed on the ground unconscious.

The world went quiet. The only thing Erin could hear was her own breathing and the ring in her ears. She stared at the three unconscious bodies on the ground, unsure if they were even alive. The only thing she could think was that she was responsible. I did this. I did this.

"Hey!" Erin heard Steve's voice call behind her. The world spun back into motion. Erin turned to face the three of them. She opened her mouth to say something, but all the power and adrenaline she had moments ago rushed out of her. Her senses went numb and the tugging feeling in her gut vanished.

Something warm trickled down from the top of her head to the back of her neck. Her hand followed the trail of blood to its source. She flinched as her fingers felt a large gash that started to swell at the top of her head. She looked at her hand to examine the blood that stained her fingers. Dark spots started to cloud her vision as she tried to look at Steve, Sam, and Wanda in front of her. Her head felt light and her eyelids started to droop. She felt herself wobble to the ground. The last thing she saw was Steve running towards her as she fell into darkness.

****

Erin woke up with a massive headache. She groaned as she shifted slightly, feeling a pain pierce the side of her head. She was sure there was a huge lump on her head without feeling for it.

Slowly, everything started coming back to her. The warehouse. The dark soldiers. Captain America. Her senses racing. The tug she had felt in her gut. The explosions.

She remembered she hit her head. Hard. Twice. Erin reached up to the tender spot and felt a patch of gauze. A bandage had been placed over it and the back of her neck was no longer covered in blood. She did a quick inventory of herself before opening her eyes. She probably had a concussion, hopefully not too serious. She shifted slightly. No broken bones, that was good. She would just have sore muscles for the next two weeks probably.

She opened her eyes and found herself inside a small jet. She was definitely not dreaming.

Steve and Sam were talking quietly in the corner across from her. There was another man sitting in the pilot seat, his feet kicked up reading a magazine. She could only see the back of his head, so she wasn't sure who he was.

Wanda sat a few feet away from her reading the copy of Romeo and Juliet Erin had bought this morning. Her bag was sitting at her feet. There was a huge purple stain at the bottom. "Ugh, my plums." Erin remembered. Her throat was dry.

Wanda lifted her head from the book and Sam and Steve stopped their conversation to look at her.

"So she's finally awake," Sam remarked.

"No," Erin said, "This is a ghost you're speaking to." She groaned again as she struggled to sit upright. Her throat was dry and head felt heavy.

"You're too sassy to be a ghost." The man who was sitting in the pilot seat spoke. He threw down the magazine and got up from his seat and walked over to join the circle that formed around Erin.

"Who are you?" Erin asked, looking up at him from her spot on the ground.

The man's face fell, "I'm Scott," He said like it was suppose to be obvious, "Ant-Man?"

Erin had heard of the Ant-Man, but her head hurt too much at the moment to think of all the details. "Right, you're the guy that get's really tiny?"

"Why do they always ask that?" Scott mumbled to himself.

"He can get big too," Sam said, "I've seen it. I'm-"

"Sam Wilson," Erin interrupted. She turned to look at Wanda, "You're Wanda Maximoff," Finally she turned to Steve, "And Captain America needs no introduction. Although not having the shield threw me off a bit."

Erin had no idea what caused the bitterness in her tone to occur. They hadn't done anything to her but save her life.

Before anyone could answer her, the platform of the jet opened and a man walked up. Erin's couldn't hide her surprise as she saw Clint Barton set down his bow in a seat nearby. He looked at her and then at Steve confused, "I'm gone for a few hours and you pick up a stray?" Clint said.

Even though she hadn't seen him in years, it still hurt that Clint didn't recognize her. He had been close friends with her father while she was growing up. When it came to shooting a bow and arrow, she was a mediocre shot at best, but Clint had been kind enough to teach her a few things when she was younger.

"We're not exactly sure what she is." Sam said, arms crossed.

"Sassy, we know she's sassy," Scott murmured.

"Here," Wanda said handing Erin what looked like a protein bar and water bottle.

"Thanks," Erin mumbled, taking the bar and chugging half the bottle.

"Since you obviously know who we are, you won't mind my blunt question: Who the hell are you?" Steve demanded.

She paused for a moment to swallow the bite she had taken of the protein bar. "My name is Erin McCall," She looked over at Clint, hoping to see some kind of recognition in his eyes.

It took a moment, but his stern look softened immediately once he started to realize. "Erin?" Clint looked at her, the pieces finally clicking. "Matt's girl?"

Erin nodded her head, "Hey Clint," She half grinned.

"You know her?" Sam asked surprised.

"I do." Clint said half grinning, "Haven't seen her for a while though, no one has." He shot her a look that made her almost feel guilty. Almost.

"Who's Matt?" Steve asked Clint.

"Her father," Clint answered, "He was a friend of mine."

Steve looked at him and asked, "Do you trust her to tell the truth?"

Clint looked from Erin to Steve, "I do."

Erin gave him a small grateful smile.

Steve nodded and turned to Erin, "Erin, why did you follow us into that HYDRA building?" Steve asked getting back to his original question.

"HYDRA?" She gave him a confused look, "They were a German operation. I know they had European bases, but most of them were weeded out years ago right? Why would they still have soldiers stationed in Romania?"

Steve gave her an uneasy look. "There's a lot we still don't know. Most of the known bases have been irradiated, but they've moved their set ups all over the world. Places people think are abandoned. Why did you follow us in there? How did you notice us in the first place?"

Erin licked her lips, trying to think of an explanation, "I think you're a little too prideful when it comes to being sneaky. I've walked that route dozens of times. Something felt... off." She shrugged.

Steve's eyebrows shot up.

Erin sighed, "Look, I didn't know that building was a secret HYDRA base. I saw you three looking shady trying to get into it so I... I thought I would check it out."

"You thought you would check it out? Why didn't you just call the police?"

Erin paused before answering, "I thought I recognized you all, but I wanted to see for myself."

"Okay enough of this," Sam interrupted, "What I really want to know is how you stopped then restarted a bomb. It should have blown my head off! So why didn't it?"

"Can't you just be thankful it didn't and move on?" Erin fired back.

"I saw you move your hands right before it would have exploded," Steve said walking up to her only inches away. She looked right back at him. "Did you stop it?"

There was a long silence before she replied, "Yes."

"Did you make it go off again?"

Erin knew she had. There was no other explanation for the tug in her gut she had felt. "Yes."

"How?" Steve asked.

Instead of answering, she looked up at the lights in the jet ceiling and willed her senses to open up again. The energy she had expended at the warehouse left her weak, but she focused on their energy. A light tug fluttered in her stomach and the lights began to flicker.

The eyes of the group of people around her shot up. "So what? You can.... Make lights flicker?" Scott asked.

Erin rolled her eyes, "Not exactly."

"Then what would you call it?" Steve asked.

"I can... control electrical currents. I like to call it energy manipulation." Erin said.

"That's cheery," Sam scoffed.

"Do you know the full extent of your... ability?" Steve asked, ignoring Sam's comment.

Erin sighed, "I can bend lightening and feel the electric energy of anything that has wires in or attached to it. That's how I knew something was off this morning. Every light, street signal, and plug has it's own unique energy, even people do too if you know how to feel for it. That's how I sensed you three and I knew to warn you about the soldiers. I could feel the bomb."

"How do you do that without frying your own brain?" Wanda asked, her Sokovian accent thick.

"Have a look, see how it works. That's your thing right?"

Wanda narrowed her eyes at her.

"Can you control it?" Clint asked.

She turned her head towards him, "If I wanted it you would be a fried egg right now." Clint looked un-amused. Erin sighed heavily. Her head still hurt and she was tired of explaining herself. "Honestly, it comes and it goes. If I get distracted I lose touch with it and I can't pick up on the energy as well. That's how the other two snuck up on us."

"How did you get your powers?" Steve asked.

"Let's just say it's hereditary."

She saw Clint raise his eyebrows.

Steve accepted the answer. "You said McCall... I know that name."

Erin looked at Clint who already knew the whole story.

It had been three years since the attack on the Triskelion. There was no reason at all that Steve would have ever crossed paths with her father or brother, but not remembering her grandfather... that stung a little. "My father and brother were S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, my dad was head of the Bio Mechanics division." She paused, "Well, before you and Barnes blew the place to hell."

"Hey-" Sam started.

"Relax." She interrupted him putting her hand up, "I'm not psychotic, this isn't a revenge story," She turned her head back to Steve.

"How did he..." The look in Steve's eyes told Erin what he wanted to know.

"He was evacuating people trapped in his division the day HYDRA revealed itself. Turned out someone was a rat. One of his collegues had been feeding him information based on HYDRA research. The scientist confessed to my father before he tried to trap the whole floor. My father tried saved as many as he could..." She paused, "He made his choice." She said quietly.

The silence of the jet thickened. "And your brother?" Steve asked softly.

"He was the first agent, Rumlow shot when they stormed the control room." She said quietly.

Steve was suddenly very interested in the ground.

Another shot of pain went through her head, "Ah!" She gasped, putting her head in her hands.

"We have to make the decision," Wanda said beside her, "If she says yes, she can explain everything back at the base. She needs rest."

"What decision?" Erin asked.

"I think we need her," Clint said quietly, "Steve, you know what's coming. It's your call."

"I don't know about this man," Sam said to Steve.

Steve looked at Sam, "Nothing's coincidence. Tony asks for our help for the first time in almost a year, we're about to fight in an intergalactic war, and now we just so happen to run into a girl who can control lightening and has connections to S.H.I.E.L.D.? I don't buy it." Steve was silent for a moment, thinking. "I trust her," He said looking at Erin.

"An awful decision, really." She said still massaging her temples.

"Why?" Steve asked.

"I'm a stranger." She said.

"You're not a stranger-" Clint tried to say.

"Clint, you haven't seen me since I was 18."

"She's a stranger," Sam repeated when Clint kept him mouth shut.

Steve shrugged, "Call it instinct."

"You should really rethink that strategy." She said her head still in her hands. "What exactly are you asking me?" She asked looking up.

Sam and Steve looked at each other then Steve looked at Erin, "We want you on the team."

"But we didn't just want to kidnap you in case you had some fabulous life you had to go back to or someone who would come looking for you." Sam said.

"Seriously?" Erin asked them like they were crazy, "Why would you need me?" She looked up at Steve. She had grown up on her grandfather's stories of Captain America. Almost everything he had done since he came out of the ice solidified his reputation further. And here he was asking her to join his team. Apparently things really do come full circle.

"Something is coming, Erin," Steve gave her an intense look, "We don't know what, when, or how big of a threat it is, but we need everyone we can get. Are you up for that?"

Erin looked outside the jet's window to see the sun setting. Had she been out the whole day? She thought about how she hadn't shown up to her shift at the coffee house. Had her boss been angry? Had he gone looking for her? "How big?" She asked.

"Like the fate of galaxies big," Sam said.

Erin raised an eyebrow, "No pressure." Erin thought for a moment, "What makes you think that I trust all of you?" She looked at each one of them.

"You shouldn't," It was Wanda who spoke. Erin looked at her, "But if you did, you could make the difference between life and death."

"But you should know, we're way outside of any laws, rules, or regulations. We don't know how much trouble you could get in by associating with us." Steve warned her, "If you have something good going here, I wouldn't just leave it."

Erin studied the ground, "I don't have anything to go back to," She admitted quietly, "But all my stuff, it's back at my apartment."

"I'll help you gather your things," Wanda said.

"I'll go with you and stand watch," Clint said, "We'll be back in an hour."

_____________________________________________________________________

_**"There is something at work in my soul which I do not understand."** _

**-Mary Wollstonecraft**


	5. Chapter 5

**"Avoy (n.) An expression of fear; surprise"**

Erin led them back towards her apartment complex. They tried to hide their faces under baseball caps to blend in, but Erin wasn't sure if it was helping. Since the jet was stationed on the edge of the city, they had to take a bus that stopped three blocks away from where she lived and walked the neighborhood with their faces low.

"This is where you live?" Clint asked looking around the neighborhood and at the old brick walls of the buildings on the block. Over the months, Erin had become accustomed to the smell of faint mold and other odors that Clint and Wanda weren't used to.

"I work at a coffee shop down the street," Erin said approaching the door with her apartment number on it. "Doesn't exactly pay for a luxury condo." She fished for her key that was, thankfully, still in her pocket from this morning.

Clint raised an eyebrow at her sarcasm.

Erin was about to put the key inside the lock but froze as soon as she noticed something. Ever since she had gotten into a little trouble in Berlin, she got into the habit of placing a small slit of paper in between the door and its frame. That way if anyone other than Erin opened the door they wouldn't notice the small strip fall from its place signaling Erin that someone else had been there when she wasn't. The piece of paper she left in her door this morning was half red and black. Whoever had opened the door to her apartment while she was gone was smart enough to realize she had the piece of paper there and set it back, but was dumb enough to not notice which color had been sticking out. Erin remembered placing the red facing out that morning, but looking at it now the black was showing more than the red.

"Erin?" Clint noticed Erin studying her door a beat too long.

"What's wrong?" Wanda asked anxiously.

Erin stared at the door, "Someone's been here," She said quietly.

She could feel Wanda and Clint stiffen behind her.

"Just walk in like normal, we have your back." Clint said.

We have your back. It took Erin a moment to realize what that meant.

She unlocked the door and pushed it open. It was dark as they walked in. She turned her entryway lap on to illuminate the room. They listened for any sign of an intruder, but Erin heard nothing.

"Get your things and let's get out of here," Clint said eyeing the room for any threats.

Erin nodded and went to work watching every corner as she walked about. Her apartment was nothing special. There was one main room where a twin bed sat in the corner. A couch and television occupied the east wall next to the bathroom. To the left of the bed a doorway led into a small kitchen and window overlooking the city.

Erin began to gather what she had. She didn't have much for clothing or other material things, most of it fit into the one backpack she owned. She stuffed clothes, cash, and other toiletries into her bag and then headed for the bed. What she hid under the floorboard was far more valuable to her than everything she had combined.

"Clint, will you help me move the bed?" Erin asked.

"I can do that," Wanda offered.

Erin nodded and red sparks flew off Wanda's hands. It took her less than 5 seconds to move the bed 10 feet from where it had been before.

Erin tapped the ground with her foot listening for the sound of the hallow hole she hid her treasure. When she heard it, she got down on the ground and pried the loose floorboards apart and searched the hole for what she was looking for.

From the corner of her eye she saw Clint wander into the kitchen, bow at the ready. Her hand reached the folders she was looking for and stuffed them into her backpack.

"What are those?" Wanda asked.

"I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you," Erin said playfully. She reached back into the hole and reached for the last thing she needed.

"Hey Erin?" Clint called from the kitchen.

"Yeah?" She answered, her arm still reaching into the floor.

"You have a boyfriend or something?" He called back.

Erin's face twisted into confusion, "No," Her fingers brushed against something wooden and she reached in and grabbed onto the box she had been looking for. She hauled it from the hole, tucked it under her arm, and stood up. "Why?"

"Then who are these from?"

Erin and Wanda exchanged confused looks. Wanda followed Erin as she walked into the kitchen to see what Clint was talking about.

Erin's stomach dropped when she saw what Clint was talking about. Sitting on the small table in front of the counter, was a large bouquet of flowers. Every type of flower flowed from a large vase. Daisies, poppies, wildflowers, and lilies all sat at the top of the mountain surrounded by a dozen small pink roses. Erin saw the edge of a card sticking out among the lilies, but immediately Erin's eyes were drawn to the center piece: a single white rose.

An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of Erin's stomach. She walked slowly towards the bouquet and studied it. "These weren't here this morning," She said quietly. She plucked the card from the arrangement and opened it. It read a single date

4.15.2014

A small gasp escaped from her mouth as she jumped back tossing the card on the counter like it was on fire.

"What does that mean?" Wanda asked, worry laced in her voice.

Erin was still staring at the flowers. "I'm not sure." She lied. She would never admit it, but in that moment she was terrified.

"And you have no idea who they're from?" Clint asked again.

Erin shook her head. She wasn't technically lying about that part. She didn't know the name of the person who had sent them to her, but she had received these exact flowers two other times. The first was a few days after her grandfather's funeral and then again after her father and brother's. It had to be the same person.

"Let's go." Erin said quickly backing out of the kitchen and grabbing her backpack from the living room couch.

Clint and Wanda didn't question her further as they followed closely behind. She turned off her lights for the last time and locked the door, leaving the key, a note, and last rent check for her landlord to find.

They made it back to the jet quietly but without incident. Clint was sure they weren't followed. All the way back, Erin couldn't stop thinking about the note. A single date, one Erin would never forget. The uneasy feeling she had gotten didn't go away the whole way back. There was something about the gesture of flowers that shook her to the core.

She was finally free of her thoughts when the lower door of the jet opened as they approached. Suddenly Erin stopped in her tracks. For a moment she was more scared getting onto this jet than she had been at her apartment an hour before.

Wanda noticed her unease. "We'll be up in a minute," Wanda said to Clint.

He hesitated, but nodded and headed into the jet.

"What is it?" Wanda asked her, "You don't need to be scared."

"It's not that," Erin said quietly, "For that past three years I've done everything by myself. I've always known where I was going and what I could count on. Now... now I don't know any of it. Now that I think about it, I don't know why I agreed in the first place.... Where are we even going?"

Wanda looked at her and took a step forward, "We're headed to the safe house in Wakanda."

Wakanda. Erin thought. She had always wanted to visit the African country she was so intrigued by, but never thought it would happen under these circumstances.

"None of this is going to be easy," Wanda put a hand on her shoulder, "You have run for so long, Erin. I know what that's like. Clint once told me that I could sit around and mope. I could sit there and not do a single thing while a war raged on. I could stay silent about things I cared about and believed in, or..." She took her hand off Erin's shoulder and stepped back towards the jet, "I could get off my ass and do something." Wanda gave her a small smirk before turning her back. She walked up the lower deck acting as if she didn't care if Erin followed.

Erin took one last look back at the city before she followed Wanda up the walk way and into an unknown future.

Despite the pep talk Wanda had just given her, all Erin could think about as she plopped down onto a small cot in the back of the jet was that Ana would not be seeing her in the morning.

_______________________________

_**"We're all broken** _

_**That's how the light gets in"** _

**-Ernest Hemingway & Leonard Cohen**


	6. Chapter 6

**"Selcouth (adj.) unfamiliar, rare, strange, and yet marvelous."**

The plane ride was a blur. Erin fell in and out of fitful sleep from the moment she found a small cot in the back of the jet. One moment she was curled up in a ball, the next she woke up with a blanket around her.

They had arrived back at the safe house early the next morning. It was still dark out when Wanda showed Erin up to her new room, which was right next to Wanda's. Wanda pointed to a door on the far side of the room that led into a conjoined bathroom they would share.

As soon as Wanda shut the door, Erin fell onto the bed. Despite sleeping on the plane, exhaustion still overtook her body. She was too tired to pull the blanket over her as she fell asleep.

*********

She woke up the next morning in a haze. Light was streaming through her windows and it took Erin's eyes a moment to adjust to the brightness. For a second she couldn't remember where she was, confused by four blue walls in an unfamiliar room. Then she recalled the events from yesterday. _So it wasn't a dream._ She thought to herself.

Slowly, Erin sat up in bed and noticed her head still ached. She reached up to remove the wrap Wanda had put over it last night to assess the damage. Gently, she touched the lump on her head. The swelling had gone down, but the spot was still tender to the touch. Her fingers touched something crunchy in her hair. Dried blood was matted on her scalp. She probably had a concussion, which would account for not being able to remember what had happened right away. She would have to keep an eye on herself the next few days. Concussions could be no big deal or they could lead to serious repercussions.

Erin rubbed her eyes and examined her new room. It was painted a light blue color with white furniture. There was a drawer to the wall on her right. Across from her bed was a flat screen TV and on the other side of her room was a bookshelf that was so empty it made Erin's heart ache. There was a nightstand next to her bed with a clock on it. She was very wrong about it being morning because the clock read 1:23 P.M.

She stretched her sore muscles and stood up slowly, assessing the toll yesterday had taken on her body. She made her way towards the door that led to the bathroom. There was a long rectangular mirror that covered almost the whole wall. Below the mirror was a counter with two sinks at each end. Behind her a large bathtub was planted next to a shower. There was a shelf above the tub with hand and shower towels neatly folded. She grabbed one and turned on the shower. She pealed off her dirty clothes and stepped into the stream of warm water.

When she was clean and all the blood was rubbed out of her hair, she stepped out of the shower a towel wrapped around her. Making sure to avoid the lump on her head, she began to brush through the tangles in her hair.

Erin walked out of the bathroom and found her bag of cloths and backpack sitting at the end of the bed. She unzipped it and put on a black t-shirt and the first pair of athletic shorts her hands touched. She reached for her toothbrush and returned to the bathroom.

When she came back out she looked at her bag of things, debating on how to organize everything. She stared at her box that she had set on her nightstand when she arrived, then her stomach growled. _Alright, food first, organize later._ She decided.

Before she left her room, she placed the box under her bed. She told herself it was out of habit. All those years her first priority was keeping that box safe. It wasn't the best hiding place, but she could think of a better one after she had some food in her stomach.

Erin opened her door and awkwardly looked around the hall. It occurred to her she had no idea where she was going. Early this morning she had mindlessly followed Wanda through the house, not bothering to take in her surroundings. She cursed herself. She had been there one night and already let her guard down.

She went back into her room and looked outside the window. She was on the third floor of the building. There was a large garden in the back yard of the property. Next to it were tennis and basketball courts and a complex connected to the house that looked like it housed an indoor swimming pool. She went back to the hallway and looked both ways again. To the right, she saw the top of a staircase and decided to take that way.

Erin walked down the stairs slowly. Her mouth gaped when she saw all paintings that hung from the walls of the landing. She recognized a few from her research. Each painting was a unique part of Wakanda, like she could travel all over the country by just looking at them. There were pictures of its history, people, and traditions. As she walked down the steps, paintings of tribe leaders and battles hung alongside landscape portraits. Slowly, the history of Wakanda could be seen through each piece of art. There was even a painting of the famous event when vibranium first crashed into the earth.

When she came to the bottom of the stairs, there was a large sculpture of a black panther resting on a dais of granite. She circled the sculpture, intrigued by the design and craftsmanship. In its eyes were two green emerald stones. The eyes studied her, like it held all the answers to Erin's questions in them.

"There you are," Erin jumped slightly, scolding herself again that she had let her senses go. She looked away from the sculpture to see Wanda walking towards her, limping slightly. "I was wondering if you were ever going to wake up." She stopped in front of Erin smiling, "How's your head?"

"Better," Erin replied noticing the limp in Wanda's walk, "Are you hurt?"

Wanda shrugged, "Just a little sprain, nothing that won't be better in a few days. You should ice your head today, twice."

Erin nodded, "I will if you do."

Wanda laughed at her. "Come on, Sam decided to cook breakfast for lunch." Wanda gestured for Erin to follow her down a hallway.

"This is the main hallway, the left leads to the swim pool and training area and to the right leads to the kitchen and dining room. You might get lost the first few days, I did." Wanda let out a small chuckle.

"How did you guys score this place?" Erin asked.

"King T'Challa is a... generous ally."

"Wait, did you say... _King_? This place belongs to King T'Challa? The Black Panther?" Erin gaped.

Wanda simply nodded.

She was grinning from ear to ear as they entered the kitchen. "So the legend is true?" Erin said to herself more than Wanda.

"Believe me he's more than a legend," Clint said sitting at the kitchen island sipping on a glass of orange juice, "He's kind of a pain in the royal ass."

"I suppose you can get away with it when you're royalty," Sam said. He stood over the stovetop frying bacon and eggs in a pan. The smell flooded Erin's nose causing her mouth water. "You want cheese on your egg, Wanda?"

"No, thank you," She said taking a seat next to Steve at the table. Erin followed suit and sat across from them.

"Erin?" Sam asked.

"What?"

"Cheese? Or...?" He said awkwardly waving the spatula in the air.

"I'm good, thanks." She replied, reaching for the bowl of grapes sitting on the table. Clint sat down beside her at the table and Scott sat across next to Wanda.

Erin felt Steve's eyes on her as if he were observing her movements. "How are you feeling?" He asked her.

She turned her head towards him, "Better, I think." She took a few grapes from the bowl and ate them. When she swallowed she said, "So this is the secret hide out? I didn't know you had Black Panther connections."

"King T'Challa offered us this place after everything that happened last year. He's been a trusted ally and a good friend." Steve said.

"The jet we took to Romania is his too," Wanda said.

"What were you all doing in Romania anyways? Shouldn't you all be laying low because of the whole 'wanted vigilantes' thing?" She popped another grape into her mouth.

Erin saw Steve and Sam exchanged looks, "What do you know about what happened last year?" Steve asked, caution in his voice.

Erin looked from Steve to the grape bowl, thinking. She had been in Bratislava, Slokovia when she read about the events that had torn the Avengers apart. More and more versions of what happened were being printed daily. Erin wasn't sure which source to trust. "I've heard different stories and read up on some internet theories," She stated cautiously, "But the gist of what I know is this: some people from Wakanda were killed while your team was in Lagos last year and it led to the Sokovian Accords. The Winter Soldier blew up the meeting and some kind of argument or civil war happened between you and Tony Stark. It divided the Avengers when you tried to protect the Winter Soldier. There was a huge battle at an airport, the Winter Soldier disappeared, Steve busted all of you from a high security prison, and that's about all I know."

"Well I suppose she's pretty spot on," Scott said.

Steve kept his eyes on Erin tentatively, as if he was trying to decipher a code written on her forehead. "We're going to wake him up." Steve finally admitted.

"What do you mean?" Erin asked. "Is someone sleeping?"

"Last year, Bucky decided to put himself under his own cryo sleep. Now we need him to wake up."

Erin almost choked on her grape, "James Barnes?" Erin instinctively reached for her pocket where she normally kept the picture, but then remembered she left it in the box upstairs. "The Winter Soldier? You want to wake up the most deadly assassin of the 20th century?"

"Hey, watch it," Sam warned as he set Erin's eggs down in front of her. He sat down at the other end of the table.

"I'm just saying, I know what he's capable of." She grabbed the fork next to her and dug into her food.

"T'Challa and his team of scientific psychologists have been working with Wanda and her molecular energy to see if there is any way to erase what HYDRA put in his brain." He turned to Wanda letting her explain the rest.

Wanda turned to look at Erin, "We think we're close to something, but we've been tracking down every possible lead to make sure."

Erin swallowed hard, "Wait the Winter Soldier is here? In Wakanda?" None of them said anything. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Hold on, I thought he tried to blow up several members of the U.N. last year? At the signing of the Accords? That's the whole reason T'Challa became the Black Panther, right?"

"He was framed," Sam said "Some guy named Zemo was behind the bombings and he blamed it on Bucky using a face prosthetic."

"Why would someone go to all that trouble to do that?" Erin asked turning to Steve for an answer.

"He lost his family when Ultron..." Steve swallowed and Wanda put her head down examining her eggs, "He blamed the Avengers for what happened in Sokovia and he had the tools and circumstances to tear us apart."

Erin's face fell. She could hear the regret and sorrow behind Steve's words. He blamed himself for what happened. "I'm not very good at keeping up with the news, but why haven't I heard about this? I saw the bombing and the Winter Soldier being blamed for it from the Czech Republic why haven't I heard his name be cleared?"

Steve set his jaw, "The U.S. government knows, they just aren't eager to wipe the Winter Soldier's reputation."

Erin rubbed her temples, the bump on her head growing more painful by the minute, "So now he's actually here?"

"Well he's not in this building exactly," Scott said.

"He's in a lab a few miles away." Steve told her.

Erin scoffed, "Right."

"He's in a chromatic sleeping state. He put himself under because he thought he was too dangerous, but you don't need to be scared-"

Erin interrupted Steve with a sarcastic laugh. "I've shared a bathroom with a Russian crack addict, not a lot scares me at this point." They all went silent and a sense of shock filled the room. Erin sighed trying to defuse the tension, "So why is T'Challa helping him?"

"He wanted to help Bucky find peace," Steve said, "He has an amazing team working on a way to undo whatever has been done to him."

"You think all that can just be undone?" Erin questioned.

"Well they're getting close."

"That still doesn't answer my question," Erin said slight frustrated, "What were you all doing in Romania? Did that HYDRA base have something you needed?"

"Romania was the last place he was in hiding before Zemo flushed him out. There had to be some reason he went there. We were there to follow any leads we could find."

"And instead you got me," Erin murmured. She tried to process all the information she had just been thrown. "So, where do I come in, in all this?"

Steve looked at her, "I want to show you something." He got up from his chair and gestured Erin to follow him out of the kitchen.

Hesitantly, Erin got up and did as she was asked. "Thanks for the eggs Sam," She said to him as she followed Steve out the doorway.

______________________________

**_"She has been through hell._ **

**_So believe me when I say,_ **

**_fear her when she looks into the fire and smiles."_ **

**-E. Corona**

 


	7. Chapter 7

**"Numinous (n.) Describing an experience that makes you fearful, yet fascinated, awed yet attracted, personal feeling of being overwhelmed and inspired."**

Steve led her through a maze of hallways and down another long, seemingly endless corridor. As they walked, Erin decided to take the opportunity to pick apart Steve's brain. "Can I say something?"

"I suspect you're going to anyways." He replied without looking at her.

"I know what you're all about Captain Rogers and that's trust. I just think for a guy who's all about teammates trusting one another, it seems uncharacteristic of you to just invite a random girl you picked up in Romania to your super secret hide out."

"But by some astronomical odds, you're not random. Your Matthew McCall's granddaughter." Steve said.

"You remember him?" Erin asked surprised.

"Goofy grin and huge dimples? How could I forget? Your grandfather was one of the best men I ever knew... and one of the bravest soldiers. He was a big reason we were able to take down so many HYDRA bases during the war."

She paused, "Is that why you trust me?"

"I told you, instinct."

"But you haven't even asked me the most basic questions yet."

           He stopped at a door that had a keypad next to it, "Such as?" He questioned while typing in the pad's combination code.

"Well you could start with my favorite color," She said as the doors slid open.

Steve gestured for her to step inside. She hesitated for a moment giving Steve a skeptical look before stepping over the threshold.

           "Or ask me what else I know about your beef with Tony Stark or what my father knew about S.H.I.E.L.D." She turned in a circle taking in the room. They were in a lab of some kind. "If you want to get straight to the point you'd ask me what my opinion of 'The Avengers' really is." She turned around to face him and crossed her arm, "Or simply what my opinion of _you_ is. But the thing I'm most curious about is the fact that you didn't know my father and brother were both S.H.I.E.L.D. agents before you thought about asking me to be on your team and yet now that you know not only that, but my grandfather too, you don't seem curious at all as to what they did or how they affected the entire operation. You didn't seem particularly interested in me as a person either. All you saw was the fact that I could make lights flicker. It doesn't make sense that an ability to unpredictably control electric energy was enough for you to decide you wanted to recruit me."

           Steve swallowed, "While you were out yesterday, we took the liberty of doing a face recognition check to see if you matched any data bases."

           "You scanned my unconscious face so you could stalk me through the internet?"

           Steve smirked, "You really think we would have brought a stranger aboard the jet? We could have easily dropped you off at a hospital and been on our way. I was curious about what you knew about the bomb. So we decided to run a facial recognition scan. Want to know what we found?"

Erin already knew the answer.

Steve didn't wait for her to reply. "It's true I had no idea your family worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. until you told us. We couldn't find much on you. You don't even have a Twitter account."

"I'm surprised you know what that is." Erin mumbled.

Steve glared at her, "We did find some interesting news articles about you though. Apparently you're a genius. That doesn't surprise me considering your family. We also found this," Steve pulled up a phone and began to type and scroll. He held it up for her to look at, "Student I.D. photo, Erin Margret McCall, Graduate Student at Georgetown University. Involved in intramural sports, off the charts ACT & SAT scores, 4.5 GPA, and an internship at STARK Industries. Your major? Bio Mechanical Engineering. This is what caught my eye."

Erin looked away from Steve, studying the layout of the room instead. This was a particular conversation she didn't want to have, not with him.

Steve continued. "You were the top of your class, on your way to becoming one of the trail blazers in robotic ligament replacement. Your high school project became a prototype at STARK industries before you were even accepted into college. But then I saw you only spent three years at university before you dropped out. Well, technical you didn't even drop out you disappeared off the face of the earth. It was like one day everything was just... gone. Your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, everything was just vanished."

"It's easy to disappear when you don't have any living family." She said looking up at him again.

"But I wanted to know: why?" Steve took a step towards her

Erin turned away again and looked around the room. The lab was fairly large with several metal tables with tools and liquids on them, like it was a hospital and experimentation room in one. Something in the corner caught Erin's eye. There was a glass case that contained something Erin had never seen in person before, but knew all too well what it was capable of.

She turned back to Steve, "Can we get one thing out of the way?" he nodded, "Don't bullshit me, cause I'm an expert at seeing through that stuff. You don't care about why I dropped out of college or that I interned at STARK industries. That arm there," She shoved a finger towards the glass container in the corner of the room, "It looks a lot like the arm of the Winter Soldier. I don't know how he managed to get vibranuim that strong to rip off his shoulder, but I'm willing to bet that's why you wanted me here. All it took was for you to put 1 and 1 together to recruit me. You saw my work in Bio Mechanics and my freaky electric tricks and thought I could help put his arm back together." She cocked her head to the side as if daring him to argue with her. "Am I wrong?"

Steve looked down, "T'Challa's engineers have done almost everything within their power to try and figure out how to recreate his arm, but they're stumped." Steve paused, before the truth finally left his lips. "I think you could be the key. Will you help him?"

Erin turned away to look around the room. Something stung in her eyes that she didn't want Steve to see. She noticed in the center of the lab was a small cot meant for a person to lay down on and a workspace next to it for another person to set various tools aside. Was that all Erin was good for? This was the only reason she was worth their time? She didn't know what else she had expected. They weren't going to take her in out of charity. _We could have easily dropped you off at a hospital and been on our way._ Steve's words echoed in her mind. Everything always came at the price of something. "You still haven't answered my question," She turned back to face him, face stone cold. "Why do you trust me?"

           Steve paused before answering, "Let me ask you this: did you know what you were doing when you stopped that bomb?"

           Erin narrowed her eyes at him as he brought his face down to her level, "Like I said: instinct." She simply glared at him as he returned to full stature.

           "What makes you think I'd even be willing to help the Winter Soldier? So he can become a killing machine again?" The blow was low, but it hit Steve exactly where she wanted.

           "Bucky is not a killing machine." Steve raised his voice defensively, "He is a person. And he is doing everything he can to undo all the things that were done to him without his consent." Erin looked away. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Steve's face soften slightly. "Clint said your father was a good man. Your family knew nothing of the HYDRA infiltration. What happened?"

           Erin sighed, still looking at what was left of the Winter Soldier's arm in the corner. "You know, there was a time when being a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent was the only thing I ever wanted." She said softly, "Helping people after losing a piece of who they were... That's what my dad stood for. That's what I thought S.H.I.E.L.D. stood for. The dream to help my father and brother, that was my entire life." She looked back at him, hoping her face wouldn't reveal more than her words already had.

          Steve looked at her kindly. In that moment, he looked exactly as he had in her grandfather's pictures. He was all kindness with a will to help others, in some ways, just like her. "And now you have a chance to do that." He said, "You can help Bucky and you can help all of us." Steve urged.

           Erin looked at the metal arm in the corner. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. What would her grandfather have done?

She already knew the answer. "Alright," She said opening her eyes to look at Steve, "I'll help him."

Steve beamed in front of her, a grin climbing the sides of his face.

"I'm going to need all the information you have on the schematics of his arm. I want a file on anything you have about what's been done to him since he fell off the side of that mountain. The littlest detail could make a difference."

           Steve nodded, "I'll get you what you need."

           "I'm not promising anything," She said trying to soften her voice. "But what I can promise is that I will try my best to help him, in any way he needs."

           Steve smiled at her, relieved, "Thank you."

           Erin nodded, "When do I meet with T'Challa's team?"

           As if he had a cue, Clint sounded over the intercom system by the door. "Hey Cap? The king has decided to pay us a visit. You and Erin should meet us in the main entrance."

           Steve pressed the respond button, "We'll be right there."

           He turned back to Erin a grin still on his face, "You can meet T'Challa right now."

*****

"Look who decided to surprise us," Clint said gesturing to a man Erin had never seen before. He was a tall and handsome with beautiful dark skin. He wore a tailored suit and a rings on each hand. One appeared to be a family seal and the other was a silver band with the shape of a cat eye at its center. There was something distinctly royal in the way he stood. That's when Erin knew: she was looking at the Black Panther.

"T'Challa, what are you doing here?" Steve asked shaking T'Challa's hand.

"I wanted to come myself." The king of Wakanda said. He turned his head and looked at Erin.

She felt a sudden urge to bow.

"Erin, this is T'Challa, king of Wakanda. T'Challa this is Erin McCall," Steve said gesturing to Erin, "She's the girl I sent a message to you about last night."

Erin narrowed her eyes at Steve, annoyed that he had told T'Challa about her before she had a chance to make her own first impression.

"Hello, Erin," T'Challa said nodding and smiling at her.

"Your highness?" She said smiling back. She felt a hot blush creep up on her cheeks.

"I apologize, but formalities must be cut short." T'Challa said turning back to Steve. "It is Barnes."

Steve's face fell and his eyes clouded with worry, "What's happened?"

T'Challa looked grave, "He has been taken."

_____________________________________________________

_**"My heart has scars you could never understand."** _

**-Unknown**

 


	8. Chapter 8

**"Kenopsia (n.) The eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that is usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet."**

"What do he mean he's been taken?" Erin could tell Steve was doing everything he could to keep the anger in his voice low, but he wasn't succeeding very well.

T'Challa quickly told them that his research team had planned on moving Bucky to the safe house today so his they could continue to work with Wanda and now Erin. The truck had been hijacked and his team was working on tracking its location.

"I will arrange for you and your team to meet with mine in 15 minutes. We have a limited time opportunity to track the vehicle. Do what you need to be ready."

After T'Challa left Erin noticed Steve's eyes had gone dead. He was in soldier mode. "Suit up." He ordered.

The rest of the team jumped into action, sprinting in different directions to put on whatever gear they needed.

Steve set off to put on his own armor. Erin followed him, "How do you lose a 100 year old sleeping assassin?" Erin asked. She nearly had to sprint down the hallway just to keep up with his stride.

"Apparently someone has been keeping tabs on us," Steve said keeping his face focused straight ahead.

"I thought no one knew where you guys were."

"No one that wants to arrest us does."

"Then why would they take him?"

"Look I don't know!" Steve said stopping in his tracks and turned to look at Erin, "All I can think about right now is finding Bucky, we can fill in the rest later." Erin nodded, not allowing herself to be intimidated by the tone of Captain's voice.

Steve's eyes softened slightly, "Go to the training room, there should be something in there that's suitable combat gear until we can find you something different, can you do that?"

Erin nodded, "I'll see you in 10 minutes." She said turning and running towards the training room.

Fortunately, the training room was a straight shot from the main entryway. Erin burst through the doors and searched for any kind of gear she could. She found pants, combat boots, and a cotton shirt that looked like it would fit and quickly changed. She then headed for the weapons rack. There were different kinds of knives, guns, and fighting utensils. She grabbed two daggers and stuck them into the two sides of her boots. There was a display of various guns on the wall behind the stand. She plucked two 9 MM handguns and checked them for bullets. It was empty but she soon found extra rounds in a drawer of a neighboring counter. She grabbed two and loaded her handguns, then grabbed three more rounds to spare. She grabbed a holster from the wall and strapped them in and put on a bullet proof vest she spotted.

She found an electric disrupter on the wall and grabbed it along with a taser, just in case. Minutes later she was in the main entryway with the rest of the team.

It was surreal, seeing everyone in gear. Although he wasn't in his traditional Captain America uniform, she couldn't quite wrap her head around Steve standing next to her in a combat suit. The only thing he was missing was his famous shield.

"Here," Steve said handing her a small round earpiece. "This is how we communicate. Put it in your ear and press it when you want to let the whole team know your status."

"Wow, now I really feel like I'm in a spy move," She said taking the piece and sticking it in her right ear.

T'Challa walked in seconds later dressed in his Black Panther suit. His helmet was removed but he held it down at his side. Behind him were several other soldiers men and women alike dressed in combat gear. Erin's mouth dropped when she saw who else followed closely behind him: the Black Widow.

"Nat," Clint said, his face lighting up. He shoved his way forward to meet her. "What are you doing here?" He hugged her fiercely. Erin had heard of their friendship. They were practically siblings.

"Thought you could use an extra hand," She smirked, "T'Challa gave me the low down. What's the plan?"

"The vehicle has been tracked to an abandoned warehouse on the edge of the city. We will scout out the perimeter and discover what we are up against. The rest we will make up from there." T'Challa said.

"Alright," Steve nodded, "Let's go."

****

Fifteen minutes later, they arrived outside of the warehouse T'Challa had tracked the transport vehicle to. They piled out of the two Rovers T'Challa had picked them up in and scanned their surroundings. On the outside, the building looked completely abandoned, but Erin felt it was alive with all kinds of energy.

"Looks like no one's home," Scott said as they stealthily approached the building.

"But someone is," Erin said, "I can feel it."

"Erin, you can feel electric pulses, yes?" T'Challa asked her.

"To an extent," She replied.

"Can you try doing a sweep of the building? See where the hot spots are and if it has any weak points?" Steve asked.

"I can try."

"Have you ever done anything like this before?" Natasha asked her.

Erin shook her head.

"That's comforting," She mumbled.

Erin shot Black Widow a sideways glance then closed her eyes feeling for that familiar tug deep inside her. She opened up her senses, pushing it further and further out. She tried to feel for that electric pull, anything that could help them. "There's high security at the front door. Cameras and lights are all over the place. The highest energy level is on the third floor. The power is coming from a source on the first... There's a weak spot, a lightly guarded door on the west side," She opened her eyes, "I think that's our best bet."

Steve and T'Challa nodded at one another and led the way. There were four guards dressed in black posted outside of the door Erin felt for. She took out the security cameras. Erin already felt the exhaustion creep up on her. She didn't know how deep the well of her powers ran, but she didn't want to find out tonight. She had to be careful. "We don't have a lot of time before they realize the cameras are out," She said, "And I don't know how many boundaries I'll be able to take down."

Steve nodded and turned to Clint.

Clint shot at arrow above the head of the guard closest to the door and they looked up at the distraction. When they averted their eyes, Steve, Natasha, and T'Challa moved into action. Less than 60 seconds later all four guards were on the ground unconscious.

They moved as one body, quickly making their way towards the door. Wanda's eyes glowed red and her fingers danced as she unlocked the door. One by one, they all slipped inside. Erin pulled out her hand gun, her reflexes remembering her training.

Once they entered the building they found themselves in a small corridor. Erin's senses were assaulted by all kinds of new energies. It took her a moment to find her bearings. She closed her eyes again. "There are guards up ahead carrying shock staffs and... I think assault rifles." She said quietly.

They all walked ahead light on their feet trying not to make a sound. "They're just around this corner," Erin breathed when they came to another hallway that led left.

They all stayed behind the corner. As soon as the first guard was in sight, Steve took him down faster than a bullet. There were three unsuspecting guards behind the unconscious one. They saw their fallen comrade and lifted their riffles to fire, but Cap's team was too quick for them.

Wanda snatched their guns from their hands and Natasha had them on the ground before they knew what was coming. Seven more guards came down the hallway and soon everyone was engaged in hand-to-hand combat.

Erin kept to the back of the pack and had been so focused on the guards ahead, she hadn't thought about what might be behind her. She wasn't used to juggling her senses like this.

Two hands wrapped around her and lifted her up in the air. Her gun dropped out of her hand. Old muscle habits kicked into gear. She bit the arm that had grabbed her and once her feet felt the ground she stomped his foot as hard as she could. The man yelled in pain and let her upper body go. She immediately turned around and managed to dodge the punch that he tried to throw. She blocked his other punch and caught his arm. Taking advantage of his slow pace, she twisted his arm behind him and kicked him in the gut. He fell to his knees in pain, but escaped her grasp. He landed a punch in her gut and kicked her off her feet. The lump on her head throbbed, but she tried to ignore the pain spreading through her skull. Before the soldier could stomp on her, she rolled out of the way. Erin's breath hadn't fully come back to her from the punch to her gut, but she managed to get on her feet and kick him in the back of the knee. He buckled and fell to the ground. Erin grabbed his head and kneed him in the face until she was sure he was unconscious.

Erin staggered against the wall , breathing heavily. She looked over to see how her team was doing, but she found everyone staring at her. All the other guards were unconscious and it looked like none of them had even broken a sweat.

"What?" She asked out of breath, "I'm a little out of shape." She walked towards them holding her side, "Let's go."

Steve fell into step beside her, "Remind me to brush you up combat lessons when we get back to base." He said.

"Let's focus on getting Barnes out of here first, shall we?" Erin fired back.

They followed the hallway until they came to a three way split. One hallway went left, another right, and one led straight ahead.

"Erin?" Steve asked.

She looked in every direction, trying to feel for any sign of which way to lead them. Before she could make her decision, the blaring sound of an alarm made Erin cover her ears. A red light flashed along with the alarm.

"I think they know we're here!" Natasha yelled over the alarm.

"Split up! We'll do a sweep of the building!" Steve yelled, "Wanda with me, we'll take the main level!" He gestured to Wanda, "Sam go with Scott, take the lower level, Natasha with Clint on the second, and Erin with T'Challa up to the third! Com when you can. Meet back outside in 15 minutes!"

Erin didn't have time to think before T'Challa pulled her to the right. They ran the length of the hallway and found the stairs up to the third floor. By the time they reached it, the alarm had stopped blaring, but the red alarm lights were still flashing.

"Stay close to me," T'Challa said as they slowly walked the hallway that led deeper into the hallway, "Can you feel anything?"

Erin reached out again. She could feel more of her energy draining, but she didn't want to give up. "There's a massive amount of energy to the right, but I'm not sure what kind."

"Any guards up ahead?"

"If there are, they aren't carrying weapons I can sense."

They walked until they reached a corridor that led right. They rounded the corner, but didn't see anything.

"Where is everyone?" Erin questioned quietly.

"Perhaps this floor is not as heavily guarded." T'Challa answered.

A bad feeling settled in the pit of Erin's stomach.

"Let's check each room. I will take the ones in the left, you take the ones on the right. Let me know if you find anything."

Erin nodded and started jogging down the hall. She checked each room, swiftly making sure nothing of interest was in any of them. They were mostly old office spaces. _Odd_. She thought. After Erin finished sweeping the fourth room, something caught her eye.

A file sat on one of the desks. It was the only think in the room, as if Erin was _meant_ to find it. She was about to leave it alone when her eye saw the HYDRA symbol stamped on the outside of the folder. She slowly walked towards the desk and picked the file up and opened it.

It was old, most likely from the 40s or 50s. Everything was written in German, so she couldn't read a majority of it, but the pictures inside spoke for themselves. There were several photographs of different robotic ligaments. At the bottom of each paper was a picture with some kind of formula. Erin remembered studying similar ones in college, but none of them written in this file made sense. A sudden chill ran over Erin and she swept the room again. Even though she knew she was alone, she still felt like she was being watched. She stashed the file on the inside of her bulletproof vest and ran out of the room.

She searched two more rooms and found nothing. There were only a few rooms left to look through then she and T'Challa would have to meet back with the others. Her heart started to sink at the thought of returning to the safe house without Barnes. Erin wasn't even sure if that was an option for Steve. She may have her opinions of the Winter Soldier, but she wasn't heartless enough to wish Steve to lose the person who had once been his closest friend.

Erin jogged into the seventh room. It was darker than the others she had searched. The only light came from an eerie glow from something that resembled a tank in the middle of the room. She let her senses search for the energy of the electricity in the room. The floor underneath her was made of wires along with the walls and ceiling. She could feel them flowing under the thin metal floor and plastered walls.

Even though the room was dark, she still felt the surge of energy towards the middle of the room. This was the thing she had felt all the way outside. She turned toward it slowly. The closer she stepped, the louder the presence of the energy became.

When she was about four feet from the source, lights on the floor came bursting to life, the room suddenly a blinding white. She shut her eyes and let out a gasp. When her eyes started to recover from the shock she slowly opened them, letting her eyes adjust. She first looked around her feet and slowly examined the room with her eyes squinted. Then her they went wide when they landed on the object that occupied the middle of the room.

It wasn't a tank she had sensed. She approached it slowly and put her fingers on the glass. In the middle of the room was a tall cylinder glass case and inside slept the Winter Soldier.

_______________________________________________________

**_"Some girls are full of heartache and poetry_ **

**_and those are the kinds of girls who try_ ** **_and saves the wolves_ **

**_instead of running away from them."_ **

**-Nikita Gill**

 


	9. Chapter 9

**"Meraki (v.) to do something with soul, creativity, or love; to put yourself into your work."**

"Guys," She pressed the com button on her ear piece, "I think I found him."

           "Where are you?" Steve asked urgently.

           "Third floor, seventh room on the right," She said as T'Challa walked into the room looking around.

           "Be there in one minute," Steve said. "The rest of you, get out and wait to rendezvous outside."

           Erin took her hand off her ear-piece and turned to T'Challa, "Find anything?" She asked.

He shook his head. "Nothing of interest," He replied, staring behind Erin at the sleeping chamber.

           "This is him right?" She asked turning and looking at it.

           T'Challa nodded his head, "It is Barnes."

           Erin looked through the glass at the Winter Soldier's sleeping face. Her heart felt sad for a moment as she looked at him lying there like it was an open casket for a funeral. The only thing that reassured her he wasn't actually dead was the slight movement of his chest that went up and down.

           Steve's footsteps pounded into the room pulling Erin from her thoughts. Wanda ran in close behind him.

           "We need to get him out of here," Steve said to T'Challa, "They got him up, there must be some way to get him out. Erin can you-"

           "On it," She interrupted. She closed her eyes and did a sweep of the floor, "I can't feel anything on this level... I think there's an elevator on the other side of the hall. I didn't feel it before but it's working now." She opened her eyes.

           "Wanda?" Steve turned to her.

           Wanda nodded her head and lifted her hands. She made lifting a 500 pound sleeping chamber look easy, but Erin knew Wanda had to be struggling. She was impressed. Wanda was making it look effortless to calm Steve's nerves. Steve was so busy worrying about everyone else that he didn't take the time to worry about himself. Erin felt a bloom of respected for Wanda knowing she was the one who had Cap's back at the end of the day.

           "If you can, tap into some of my strength if you need it," Erin whispered to Wanda as they walked towards the door. Wanda gave her a grateful look.

           Steve didn't seem to notice as he and T'Challa moved full steam ahead. They poked their heads out of the room to make sure the hall was clear.

           "There's no one," Steve said.

           "Isn't that usually a bad sign?" Erin asked.

           "I've been asking myself that all night, I'm not sticking around to find out." Steve said.

           They made it out of the building, amazingly, without incident. The soldiers they had taken out before were still unconscious on the ground. Erin didn't know if that should make her feel better or worse.

Wanda made it to the Rover, levitating the Winter Soldier into the back. The energy of the building faded as they put the sleeping chamber into the vehicile and drove into the night.

*********

Erin spent the next few days reading and researching. Steve managed to provide what Erin asked for, but she wasn't sure it was everything she needed. She met T'Challa's team of scientists who had been working on the Winter Soldier for the past few months. She looked over all of his psychological evaluations and what Wanda had managed to carve out of his brain by now. It wasn't much.

           Erin refreshed herself on everything she knew about James Barnes and who he had been before the soldier, the person her grandfather had known.

           She spent hours looking at the Winter Soldier's vibranium arm and put everything she knew about the metal to use. They decided to keep him in cryo sleep until Erin could put together his new arm. _If_ she could.

T'Challa provided her with every material she needed to prepare it for reattachment. She couldn't believe the bottomless pit of resources he had to offer her. Even though she had only been an intern, she would bet money STARK Industries couldn't compete with a king.

           Erin caught herself looking at the Winter Soldier more often than she should have. She couldn't help but notice how beautiful the peaceful look on his face was. Beyond his scruffy beard and long hair, he was free of the pain the world had to offer. A small part of her was envious. Some days Erin wished she could just lay down and forget. She would let the pain fold her over and over until she was so tiny, she could vanish. Maybe she should just let him keep sleeping.

*********

The 5th day after the rescue, Erin was ready.

T'Challa was there with his team and Steve was with her in the lab as she prepared what she needed.

           "You ready?" Steve asked next to her.

           Erin plastered on a fake confident smile. "Let's do it," She replied. She looked over at Sam and Clint who stood in the corner observing. Clint offered her an encouraging smile and Sam gave her two thumbs up.

           "You can do this," Wanda encouraged on the other side of her.

           "Thanks," She said giving her a grateful smile. _I hope so_. She silently prayed.

           She turned to address T'Challa's team who had been more than kind about letting her take the lead in the Winter Soldier's reattachment procedure. She was younger than many of the scientists on the team and she felt out of place giving orders. She took a deep breath and began. "This is going to take several hours to complete." She tried to keep the shaky nerves out of her voice, "If I'm being honest, I don't know 100% what I'm doing," She swallowed, "I've only worked in on situations like this in learning scenarios and computer testing. I've learned what I can from my father, but all of your input is vital and will be important while we do this. Thank you for everything you've all done so far," She let out another breath, "Okuhle kodwa."

           "Good luck," T'Challa repeated.

           "Let's begin."

*********

Not much was accomplished in the first hour. Erin spent way too much time contemplating on which tools to use and babbling on like an idiot talking to herself. She walked at least a thousand steps back and forth to the tool tabling switching out electric tools and metal priers.

           The next hour she spent staring at the Winter Soldier's arm socket and his metal arm sitting on the table. She extracted some old remains of the fluid in his shoulder, hopefully recreating the formula someday for future work.

           Finally during the third hour, she and the team started to reassemble. Slowly, she carefully showed them how to fused each prosthetic nerve together. She had to back track a few times, but slowly they were getting there.

           Sam and Clint left after the first hour and Wanda after three, but Steve stayed. He refused to leave the room while they all worked.

           After five hours, they took a break to eat and catch their breath.

           Steve sat next to her, munching on a plate of pasta, "How is it going to far?"

           Erin let out a breath, "Slow, obviously, but I think we're getting somewhere. The tricky part will be when he wakes up and tries to move it. Robotic nerves are touchy. Even my dad struggled with it in all of his work. If I connect a wrong wire, one misstep and if he tries to move his fingers he could end up punching someone in the face."

           "Wouldn't be the first time." Steve joked, looking up at Bucky's unconscious body. "He had the best right arm in our neighborhood," He looked up again. Erin knew that look, he was reminiscing the past.

           "You have that far off look again," Erin noted, "Want to tell me which memory you're thinking of?"

           Steve looked at her like he was surprised she could read him that easily.

"My grandpa used to get the same look sometimes." She explained.

Steve half smiled at her, "When we were fourteen, we were both on the same baseball team. Well he was I was the designated water boy. Bucky was the star pitcher. He could throw the baseball so fast the batter couldn't even see it before it hit the catcher's glove." He laughed at the thought.

Erin imagined young skinny Steve watching his best friend pitch from the dugout. It reminded her of James and all the baseball games he played in as a kid.

           "Well anyways, we just won a big tournament, everybody lifted Bucky up on their shoulders when he threw the final pitch that struck the batter out. I was cleaning up the bench when the batter came over and started knocking over things, pushing me around, stuff like that. Well, Bucky saw what was happening and jumped off their shoulders. He came rushing over to tell the kid to leave me alone. The kid shoved me to the ground and before I knew it, the other kid was on the ground next to me. Bucky had punched him in the face." Steve chuckled.

           Erin looked over at Bucky, still sleeping on the table. She tried to imagine him at fourteen, throwing a punch for his friend, not knowing what he would one day become.

           "I can see why you're so protective of him," She said turning back to Steve, "I'll make sure, he'll only punch when he wants to," She nudged him playfully.

           He gave her a grateful smile as she stood up to go back to work.

*********

Four hours later, it was getting late but they were close. Every wire was almost assembled and the welding was nearly complete.

           "Okay, do a stimulant test on these two." Erin instructed, fiddling with the nerve wires in the opened metal compartment they had installed.

           T'Challa's scientist by the name of Emrys used an electric fuse to stimulate the wired nerves. The pointer and middle finger of the Winter Soldier's left arm twitched at the touch.

           Erin let out a relieved sigh, "That's it. Now all we have to do is wait for him to wake up." She smiled at the team and then Steve in the corner.

Half an hour later she said goodbye to the team and T'Challa.

           "I can't thank you enough for everthing you've done for Bucky," Steve said to him.

           T'Challa smiled, "We will always give help to friends who need it." T'Challa shook Steve's hand and then turned to Erin, "You're a brilliant woman Erin McCall. We would love for you to come by the research lab soon."

           Erin's face felt suddenly hot, "It would be my honor to work with your brilliant team again and provide them with any useful knowledge I have." She smiled.

           T'Challa nodded, "Let me know when he wakes, I would like to speak to him once he is ready."

           Steve nodded and T'Challa left.

           "Well," Steve said looking at sleeping Bucky, "You may not have a degree, but I really don't think you need it." He smiled at her.

Erin couldn't believe it. She had actually done it.

           "We're not out of the woods yet," Erin warned, "I won't know if I did everything right until he wakes up." She paused, "Have you thought about what you're going to say to him?"

           Steve scruntched his eyebrows together, "A little. I've just been so focused on helping him get back to normal..."

"Steve," Erin said cautiously, "If this works, and that's still a big _if_... You know he won't be the same right? You can remove the HYDRA control, but you can't... you can't erase the memories of it all. He may not have killed all those people mentally, but he did kill them physically. The fact that he had no choice in the matter is a deeply rooted wound that he's going to carry around for the rest of his life. There's no getting past it."

           "Are you trying to tell me he's not worth saving?" Steve accused her.

           "Of course not!" She said her temper rising, "I'm only saying, you need to prepare yourself to accept him for who he is now... and that he's never going to be the Bucky you knew from 1943... not ever again. And when the dust settles after all this, he's going to have a hard time. With nothing to prepare for and nothing to keep his mind off of the things he's done the last 70 years, he's going to need you. He won't be able to do it on his own-"

Something rattled on a table behind them. Erin turned to see Bucky start to convulse.

           It only took Erin a moment to snap into action, "Steve hold him down!"

"What's happening?" Steve asked her frantically as he did what she asked.

Erin flipped open the compartment in the metal arm and quickly fiddled with the wires that connected the new vibranium to the old. She looked at Bucky's convulsing body confused, "His system, it's like it's rejecting the new vibranium."

"So what does that mean?" Erin looked at Steve, his face was angry.

"It means that what ever HYDRA used in Bucky's old arm," She ran to the other table and grabbed what she needed, "It was more than just vibranuim, wires, and chemical fluid, they added something extra to it." She clipped wires and snapped on plates of metal in place. She looked at Bucky still twitching on the table.

"But you can do something right?" Steve yelled still holding Bucky down.

"I have a theory," She said back. She clipped the last wire she needed to before Bucky's body went limp. She let out a sigh of relief.

"A theory isn't good enough!" Steve yelled walking around the table to face her, "This is his life we're talking about!"

Erin stood nose to nose with Captain America. "Look it's either this, or brain damage from the seizures. If I don't do this right, I could end up frying all of the nerves on the left side of his body," She looked at Steve sternly, "So I suggest you let me work."

Before he could answer, Erin hurried over to the table of liquid elements and began to work. She crushed solids into powder, mixing them in other liquids until her theory became a liquid reality. Bucky had stopped convulsing for two minutes before starting again. This fit was shorter but it still made Erin work faster.

           "Hurry!" Steve said.

           "You want me to poison him by accident because you rushed me?" She yelled, looking for the last ingredient. She searched through the drawers frantically. She also grabbed a bottle of Midazolam and two syringes. "Got it!" She yelled stirring the last of what she needed. She filled the first syringe with Midazolam. "Hold out his arm," she commanded.

           "Metal or real?"

           "Real."

           Steve did as she asked and she injected him with the compound. He stopped convulsing immediately. Erin and Steve both let out sighs of relief.

           Erin grabbed her homemade compound and injected it into the shoulder of his metal arm, praying her theory would come through for her.

           "What now?" Steve asked.

           "Now," Erin said, "We wait." She slumped into the nearest chair and tried to catch her breath.

A few minutes past. Steve kept his eye on his friend to make sure he was done with his fits. When ten minutes passed without another episode, Steve's body started to relax.

Erin could feel her own body release tension. She wasn't sure they were in the cleat yet, but this was a good sign.

"What was your theory?" Steve asked her, taking a seat beside her.

Erin thought for a moment, "HYDRA must have infused some kind of metallic liquid compound unique to their own design that would be compatible with the vibranium and nerve wiring. It's the only thing I can think of that would enable him to move it like that. If anyone were to somehow get their hands on the Winter Soldier AKA their most powerful and deadly weapon, they wouldn't be able to recreate the indestructible part of his body."

"So what did you do?"

"There was some of the substance left in the shoulder portion of his old arm. I was able to extract some of it and combat it with another solution which destroyed the traces of the old substance."

"How did you know what to use?"

Erin gave him a clever smirk, "The bio mechanic make up and Bucky's arm would have had to originate in the HYDRA technology in the 1940s. My grandfather told me all he knew about HYDRA and he also happened to know what he was injected with when he was experimented on. The combat compound for it was discovered almost 15 years later and it just so happens that I knew how to make it. I had to guess at how much, but I didn't have much of a choice."

Steve looked at her in awe, his mouth hanging open slightly. He looked away from her for a moment and rubbed the back of his neck, "Listen, Erin, I'm sorry I didn't trust you. It's just..." He trailed off.

Erin looked down too, "I get it," She said looking up. "He's all you have left of who you used to be."

He looked at her curiously.

"I'd give anything for a sliver of a reminder of who I used to be," She admitted quietly, "If I ever had it again, I wouldn't take any chances with it. And I told you before," She smirked at him, "I wouldn't trust me either."

Steve smirked, "You know, after all this you're going to need a codename," Steve half grinned at her, "I'm feeling something... electric and patriotic. Benjamin Franklin maybe?"

           "Do I get a say in my own name? I'm really fond of Pikachu."

           Steve looked confused, "Who's Pikachu?" He asked.

           Erin rolled her eyes, "Oh come on!" She shoved him.

           When their laughter died, Steve looked at her "What about Pulse? Because you can feel the life of electricity?"

_Pulse._

           Erin looked at him and smiled, "I like it."

________________________________

**_"You're ripped at every edge_ **

**_But you're a masterpiece"_ **

**-Halsey, Colors**

 


	10. Chapter 10

**"Koi No Yokan (n.) The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love."**

Two days and nothing changed. Bucky didn't have another seizure after Erin's last injection, but despite T'Challa's team bringing him from his cryo sleep, he still hadn't woken up.

Everyone on the team took turns watching him, keeping eyes on him 24/7. Steve took most of the shifts, almost never leaving Bucky's side. Erin took most of the other turns, mainly because she didn't know what else to do.

           Everything was quiet in the house and everyone but Erin seemed to have a groove, some kind of pattern to follow. She felt useless and out of place. Her shifts watching Bucky were the only thing keeping her from completely losing her mind.

          "Steve," Erin said walking into the lab three days after they reattached Bucky's arm. A book and some files were tucked under her arm and she held of mug of coffee in her right hand.

           Steve was sitting at the metal table next to Bucky's cot, his head resting against his hand. He was asleep.

           "Steve," Erin said again standing over him.

           "Hmm?" Steve said with his eyes still half closes.

           Erin slammed her book onto the table sending a vibrating noise that jolted him awake. "What?" He said rubbing his eyes, "I'm awake."

Erin raised an eyebrow. "You've only slept for three hours in the last two days. Being a super soldier means you need super sleep." Even though he was sleepy, she could see the edge in his eyes. It was an alertness that never seemed to go away. She learned to recognize the look in her grandfather. It seemed Erin knew PTSD all too well.

"I'm fine." Steve said unconvincingly.

Erin sighed, "Go get some sleep," Erin said, "I'll stay with him."

"How do you plan on staying awake?"

Erin held up her thick stack of files, "I have more research to do. And if I get done with that..." She held up her copy of a book: _War and Peace_ by Leo Tolstoy , "I've got three hundred pages left," She gave him a smirk.

He gave her a sleepy grin and got up from the chair.

"I'll let you know if anything changes," She said.

           "Thank you," Steve said placing a hand on her shoulder.

Erin nodded and watched him walk out. When the door slid shut behind him, she turned to look at the Winter Soldier. He was still sound asleep. _I wonder if he dreams._ She thought to herself.

Shaking the silly thought from her mind, she put the files and book on the table, sat down, and got to work.

She first looked at the file she found in the room of the warehouse. The formulas she had seen on each paper had been bothering her for days, like a puzzle not quite fitting together.

She examined the symbol on the front of the manila folder. The symbol contained four circles each one inside of the other. The two smallest circles were closed, but in the two outer rims, there were wide opened gaps where two dots separated the circles from closing. She took out the phone Steve had given her and snapped a picture, reminding herself to look it up later.

          She flipped over the folder and went over its contents more througouly. Each picture of the metal ligaments seemed to be results of different experiments. Each time she saw a new picture, the formula changed slightly. After she went thought all of them once, she reached for a pen and paper in the drawer of the desk she was sitting at and wrote them down one by one.

It took her an hour to organize the formulas into anything that made sense. She spent the next two looking for a pattern, stuck in a constant loop of getting somewhere and then backtracking. As soon as something started to make sense, the end result didn't.

She knew these were formulas of electric energy. From atoms to neurons she knew all the formulas of the mechanical prosthetics made sense, but there was one element in each that didn't and she couldn't figure it out.

           After three and a half hours after Erin had sent Steve to bed, she finally shoved the file aside. She rubbed her temples in frustration and reached for her cup of coffee. Wanda had been kind enough to deliver her third one of the night.

There was another file Erin had been eyeing, but she wasn't quite sure she was ready to know its contents. She took a deep breath and grabbed the file Steve had given her about what happened to Winter Soldier in Siberia. She flipped open the folder and her eyes scanned the first page. There was a picture of Bucky in an unforgiving metal box that HYDRA kept him in during his cryo sleeps. She flipped to the next page. The names of all the scientists who experimented on The Winter Soldier were written and what they had each contributed to him were scrawled onto various sheets of paper. Every compound they had used to wipe his brain was listed along with the tools to do it. The results were listed as well. The experiments they did had given him enhanced strength similar to Captain America, only used for more a more deadly purpose.

           She turned the page over and stopped in her tracks. She was looking at another list of name and dates. She was confused for a moment until until her eyes stopped on two names: Howard and Maria Stark. Date of kill: December 16th 1991, the year of her own birth. This was a list of The Winter Soldier's kills.

          Something in Erin's stomach turned to ice. She had interned at STARK industries every summer since she was 15 until the last summer before she dropped out of college. She only met Tony Stark a handful of times, but her grandfather had been close with Howard when they first began S.H.I.E.L.D. It was enough to make Erin hurt for their loss. She couldn't imagine what Tony had been through, finding out that your friend's ghost turned assassin friend killed your parents.

But she also couldn't imagine being manipulated so much that you were unknowingly being forced to kill someone who had once been a comrade and the parents of a person who could have so easily been your friend.

           She shut the folder quickly and looked up at the Winter Soldier again. It felt impossible... impossible that he had been turned into something like that.

           A memory surfaced in Erin's mind.

*********

_"Grandpa you didn't tell me you knew Captain America!" Five-year-old Erin said to her grandfather. She was sitting in his office one afternoon going through pictures he kept. She found one dated from 1944._

_The picture she held in her hand had three men in it. One of them was of her grandfather, much younger than the white haired man who stood in front of her now. In the picture he stood on the left side of Captain America and there was a dark haired man on his right side._

_Erin knew all about Captain America. Her father had taken her to the Smithsonian for her fifth birthday just a few months ago. Ever since she watched the documentary shown there, she became obsessed. She asked her father everything he knew about him. She wanted books, documentaries, comics, anything that had Captain America on it, she wanted. She was even more estatic when she found out that she had been named after Peggy Carter, one of the founders of S.H.I.E.L.D. and friend of her grandfather. She was still a little young to really understand what exactly S.H.I.E.L.D. was and what both her grandfather and father did there for their jobs._

_In the picture, they all looked tired and dirty, necklaces her grandpa called "dog tags" hung from their necks and they had cuts all over their faces, but their arms were around one another as they smiled for the photo._

_"Who's that?" She pointed to the man with the dark hair on the right side of Captain America. She recognized his face from the Captain America exhibit, but had been so caught up in the star of the show she couldn't remember who he was._

_She noticed her grandpa's face turned sad. "He was my friend," He said quietly, "You remember I told you I was in the Army?"_

_Erin nodded her head, her curly pigtails bouncing up and down, "You stopped the bad guys."_

_Her grandpa smiled, "I tried, but his man right here," He pointed to the other man in the picture, "He stopped the bad guys too. He saved my life more times than Captain America."_

_Erin's jaw dropped, "More than Captain America?" She said in awe her eyes widened, "What happened to him?" She asked._

_The sad look on his face returned when he gave him answer, "He gave everything he had to stop them. He's not here anymore."_

_Erin's face fell, "What was his name?" She asked softly._

_"James Barnes," He replied._

_"Like our James? My brother?" She asked excitedly._

_Her grandpa smiled and nodded, "It's who he was named after, just like you were named after my dear friend Peggy. But he didn't go by James or Jim like your brother, back then everyone called him Bucky."_

_"Bucky," Erin repeated looking at the picture again._

_"Why don't you keep that?" Her grandfather said._

_"Really?" Erin squealed._

_He nodded, "But you have to promise to take good care of it."_

_"I will," She said clinging the picture to her chest._

_*****_

Erin didn't remember falling asleep. _Guess I'll try four cups of coffee next time._ She thought to herself when she woke up with the back of her hand plastered to her cheek, her head laid down on the table.

She slowly sat up and rubbed her eyes awake. When she looked up, she found two blue eyes were staring at her.

"Where am I?" the Winter Soldier asked her.

           Erin's brain stopped working again. All she could do was gape at the Winter Soldier, alive and talking to her.

           "Gdh ya?" He spoke another language. She had no idea how to reply. Words seemed to always escape her.

"Wo bin ich?" He asked again.

           It took her a moment to realize he had asked the same question but in Russian and then in German.

           "You're at a safe house," Erin finally found her voice and replied in English, "in Wakanda."

The Winter Soldier scrunched his face together, confused by her response. He looked around frantically at the lab. Erin watched his eyes note everything exit and things that could be a potential threat.

Then his eyes landed on her. He was taking in her size and calculating if she was friend or foe. He met her gaze and something, some small flicker, flashed in his eyes. Erin felt something then, something she couldn't quite explain. Whatever it was disappeared and his eyes turned cold again. "Where's Steve?" He demanded. His tone was hostile and for a moment Erin thought she should be scared.

           "He's here," She moved to press the call button but he was too fast. He jumped off of his cot and snatched her left hand before she could press it, "Hey!" She said standing up, "I'm just going to call him."

           He narrowed his gaze at her and gave a cold look, but released her arm.

           She gave him a venomous look back and rang Steve's room.

           "What happened?" Steve answered the call, evidence of sleep still in his voice.

           Bucky seemed to relax a little at the sound of Steve's voice, "You should come down here. He's awake." Erin said not taking her eyes off of Bucky. They had entered into some kind of staring contest. He wouldn't drop his eyes from her either.

           "I'll be right there," Steve replied before cutting the line.

           "See?" Erin asked.

           Bucky just gave her a once over, "Who are you?"

           "My name is Erin." She told him. They still hadn't broken their staring contest. "Can you tell me yours?" She asked trying to keep her mind at bay.

"Bucky," He replied, "Bucky Barnes."

Erin nodded approvingly, "Well, Bucky, what do you remember?"

           His eyes turned skeptical, "The last thing I remember was talking to Steve. That's all I know."

He was lying to her. She let out a frustrated breath. "How about your arm? You remember blowing that off?" She gestured to it.

Bucky was the first to drop his gaze. He looked down at his vibranium arm, confused as to how it got there, "How did-"

"I'll tell you when you tell me the truth about what you remember."

Their eyes met again and they stared at each other for a moment, seeing if the other would back down. Bucky was the first to give in, "I was with Steve at the HYDRA base in Siberia and... he was fighting."

Erin nodded, "Anything else?"

He thought for a moment, "Tony," He said quietly, "Tony Stark was there." Bucky looked off, reconstructing the memory in his mind. "That's how my arm blew off. Beyond that, my memory isn't very good."

Erin nodded again, "It should come back to you in a few hours. You've been in a cryo chamber asleep for almost a year."

           Realization flashed over Bucky's face, "Why am I awake? It's not safe for me to be awake-"

           "Steve will explain everything." She quickly said.

Erin didn't have time to say anymore before Steve came striding into the room, "Bucky!" He exclaimed. Bucky turned his head and his eyes lit up when he saw Steve stop at his bedside. "How are you feeling?" Steve asked.

           "Fine I think... What happened? My memory is still hazy." Bucky suddenly, "And how the hell did you do this?" He gestured to his metal arm, examining it further than a few moments ago.

"You should thank her for that." Steve said turning to Erin and beaming at her, "This is-"

           "Erin," Bucky said interrupting Steve, "We've met." Erin couldn't tell if there was distain behind his words. Whatever it was she didn't think it was meant to be friendly. "You fixed my arm?" He asked like he couldn't believe it.

           Erin lifted her chin and nodded her head confidently, "Well, it's not completely fixed yet. I still have work to do. There's room for improvement, but we can talk about that later." She turned to Steve, "I'll go tell the rest of the team he's awake." She didn't give Steve a chance to reply or look at Bucky before she headed out of the lab.

____________________________

**_"Are you insane like me?_ **

_**Been in pain like me?"** _

**-Halsey, Gasoline**

 


	11. Chapter 11

**"Abditory (n.) a place into which you can disappear; a hiding place."**

Once Erin left the lab, she realized it was 3 in the morning and everyone would still be asleep. Clint would probably be the first to get up at 5:30. She debated on waking everyone up, but what was the point? Bucky wouldn't want to see them until he was ready.

Erin didn't want to go back to her room. She knew she wouldn't sleep, not with this strange new adrenaline running through her. With nothing else to do she decided to explore the house.

Erin walked through the halls going in and out of different rooms. She found countless bedrooms and recreation areas, getting lost a few times. She started to develop a mental layout of the house, noting all its possible entrances and exits points. She wondered what T'Challa had used this house for before offering it to Team Cap.

She turned down another hallway she hadn't gone through yet. It was lined with more bedrooms. At the end of the hall was a double door. The doors were made of dark wood and had striking silver round nobs with a panther etched into them. Erin turned one nob and opened it.

The first thing she noticed was that the entire back wall was a long glass window. Erin walked in and looked out of it. It had a perfect view of the house grounds. The vast garden lay at her feet and she saw mountains beyond the green forest.

She turned away from the window to look at the contents of the room. It looked appeared to be some kind of music room. Her eyes glided over several interesting looking instruments on the other side of the room in a corner, but her eyes stopped at the piano that sat towards the right side of the room covered by a black piano tarp.

Erin glanced back at the door. She quickly moved to shut it before turning her eyes back to the piano. Slowly, she walked towards it and gingerly removed its cover. Underneath was a shining black grand piano. She let out a small gasp. She had only dreamed of owning an instrument so grand. She new it had to be worth at least as much as the entire house, that's how far Erin had fantasized about owning this kind of piano.

She looked at the piano bench that sat before the keys and dared to sit down. Carefully, she lifted the lid. The beautiful white and black keys looked at her, begging to be played. Gently, she placed her right had on a single key and played a middle C. Even to her unpracticed ear, she could tell it was out of tune, but she wasn't surprised. It appeared no one had been up here in ages to play it. The thought made her sad, such a beautiful thing kept hidden with no one to play and fill the house with its music.

It had been years since she played. She learned from a young age, but when Erin realized the time she had to invest into her future, she had to cut time from the piano to focus on studies. It wasn't until this moment that she realized how much she missed it.

She played a C chord, then a D. She went through the chords A to G and back down. Then she started playing them in combinations doing different exercises she had learned when she was younger. Soon it all came flooding back to her. All the amazing sensations came as she swept her hands over the keys, flawlessly changing from one chord to the next. The sweet satisfactory of playing a minor and major exchange gave her chills as she played on and on. Her hands leapt from one side of the middle C to the other like a route she had forgotten could take her home.

As she played the final chords of the song, she closed her eyes feeling every emotion the piece brought out in her. All her life she had taught herself not to feel. Her time with music was the only exception.

A clap from behind her made her bolt up from the seat, knocking the piano bench over in the process. She stood to find King T'Challa standing in front of the doors. He kept clapping as he walked towards Erin.

"Very impressive," He said to her, placing a hand on the piano, "Much better than I when I was a child."

"Forgive me your majesty, I just..." She trailed off looking hopelessly at the piano.

"It's not a crime to play an instrument that has been long neglected, especially when a pretty face seems to know how to play so well."

Erin felt her cheeks get hot, "You play, sir?"

"No need for formalities, Erin," He said waving her off, "Call me T'Challa."

Erin smiled, "You play, T"Challa?"

He gave her a small side grin. "My mother attempted to teach me when I was younger, but I would not practice. I was too busy fighting a pretend war with enemies of my own creation. It was so much easier then when I knew that I would be able to defeat them in the end." He trailed off as he looked out the window, staring into a past that was too far from his reach.

"May I ask, what are instruments doing in a king's abandoned safe house?" She asked timidly.

He looked back at Erin and gave her a small smile, "This was our summer home when I was a child. Most of my summers were spent playing here among the trees, looking for trouble where there was none to be found. This piano was given to me by my mother, but as I said before, I never practiced." He paused, looking thoughtfully at Erin for a moment, "And now, it is yours."

"No," Erin said instinctively, "No I could never-"

T'Challa held his hand up, "You believe the research you have given my scientists was not helpful? That we will not use it to help others? Your knowledge has proved to be more than valuable, it may very well turn into an asset to my country. Think of it as payment for your help." He smiled kindly at her.

Erin was speechless, "I... I don't know what to say," She beamed, looking at the instrument. Something this grand was hers and she couldn't quite believe it.

"I wasted so many years pretending to be a soldier when I should have been mastering something that would help bring me peace. If this piano can do that for you, all I ask is that you make up those years for me."

"Thank you," She couldn't stop smiling.

T'Challa looked thoughtfully at her, "I regret, I must leave you all to whatever it is Captain Rogers wishes you to accomplish."

"You're leaving?" Erin asked a little bit disappointed, "Steve didn't tell you about our impending doom?" Erin chuckled referring to the "inevitable" war approaching.

"There are other dooms that must be dealt with before I can join you," He smiled at her. "I think... it is time for my country to emerge from the shadows. It is time we reveal who we really are." T'Challa must have read something in Erin's face, "Do not worry, we will meet again. Perhaps next time we will be heading into the same war together." He looked at her and took her face in his hands. Before Erin could form a reaction, T'Challa placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, a new friend saying farewell. All the same, Erin's face felt like it was going to burst into flames. 

"I believe you have a great destiny ahead of you." He said stepping away.

"What makes you say that?" Erin asked her voice shaky.

He only smirked.

"Well goodbye," Erin said.

"In Wakanda we do not say goodbye. We say 'go well'." He chuckled, "Hamba kakuhle, Erin McCall."

"Hamba kakuhle," She said back, "T'Challa."

He smiled at her one last time before turning his back and leaving Erin alone in the room with his gift.

_________________________________________

**_"You're a hurricane of a girl;_ **

**_remember to breathe every once in a while,_ **

**_do not drown within your own storm."_ **

**-Emma Bleker**

 


	12. Chapter 12

**"Philophobia (n.) The fear of falling in love or developing an emotional attachment."**

"Well I'm not sure whether to celebrate or complain, but either way I'm having a drink." Sam said reaching into the liquor cabinet.

           "It's 7:00 in the morning," Wanda said sitting on a chair next to the kitchen island.

           "So?" Sam said setting down a glass and a bottle of scotch on the counter, "It's happy hour somewhere."

           "Amen, brother," Scott chimed in, leaning against the counter.

           "Thought you'd seen the last of me?" Bucky said sitting at the table next to Steve, his broad arms crossed over his chest.

           Sam plastered on a fake smile and gestured openly with his hands, "One can only dream."

           "You're both too cute, really." Natasha said sitting at the table on the opposite side of Steve.

           Erin had spent most of the morning in the piano room playing her new gift. Around 6 o'clock, she decided to wake everyone up and tell them the news. Steve and Bucky didn't come out of the lab until 6:30.

Erin took a sip of coffee from her mug. Over the rim of her cup she kept an eye on the Winter Soldier, examining his body language and what kind of mannerisms he had.

He mostly kept quiet, but stayed close to Steve's side. After his banter with Sam he returned his gaze to the table, as if studying its design. Erin looked for any signs of fidgeting like bobbing his knee up and down, playing with his fingers, or casting nervous glances around the room, but he was still as lion, waiting for his prey. For a moment his eyes flashed up and over to Erin. She quickly looked away feeling her cheeks turn slightly hot, but she could still feel his gaze on her for a few moments.

"So what now?" Bucky asked, finally taking his eyes off of Erin. "What's our strategy?"

"For now, we wait," Steve, said.

"What exactly did Tony ask you when he reached out to you last week?" Sam asked.

"Wait, you've been in contact with Tony?" Natasha asked surprised, "Does he know where we are?"

Steve turned to look at her, "Yes, I've spoken with Tony, but he doesn't know our current location."

"And does he know you've woken him up?" Natasha asked nodding towards Bucky.

Steve took a breath, "No."

"Damn it." Erin heard Natasha mutter under her breath.

"He does know that we're willing to help fight, which is why we need to train." Steve turned to Erin, "Erin, how long until Bucky's arm can function normally?"

Erin met Bucky's eyes. He cocked his head slightly to one side, like he was curious as well. "It'll take a few more tests and repairs. I'll need some time with James's arm-"

           "My _name is Bucky!_ " He suddenly snapped.

           The room went quiet. Steve closed his eyes and dropped his head in disappointment.

           Erin was surprised that the venom in his voice made her jump back slightly. She normally would have replied with a rebuttal that matched his anger, but something about the way he spoke made her shrink into herself. It was a type of anger she wasn't prepared for, "I-I'm sorry." She said quietly.

           The anger went out of Bucky's eyes when he realized how harshly he had spoken to her. He looked around the room at the stunned faces. He shoved his chair back from the table and bolted out of the kitchen.

           Erin didn't watch him go.

The awkward silence in the room was still thick after Bucky disappeared down the hall.

"Well that was..." Scott coughed awkwardly, "Something."

Erin looked up to see them all looking at her like a puppy that had just been kicked. This sent more resentment and anger through her. She had to get out of here.

           "Erin-" Steve tried to say as she turned to walk away.

           "Don't." She cut him off, spinning around. "I didn't get much sleep last night," She looked around the room, "I'm going to bed." She didn't look at anyone on her way out of the kitchen.

           "Erin!" Steve yelled after her down the hall.

           "I don't want to hear it." She said not looking back at him.

           "Hey," Steve said grabbing her shoulder and forcing her to look at him. Damn his long legs. "I'm sorry about Bucky. It's just going to take him some time to get back into the team-"

Erin scoffed, "Team? Is that what you all are, a bunch of runaway Avengers?"

"Yes, we are a team," Steve said, "That includes you now too in case you forgot."

Erin laughed again, "Me? I'm not an Avenger or a hero. I'm not even sure if I want to be one."

"I'm not asking you to." Steve towered over her crossing his arms over his massive chest, "All I'm asking is that you act like you belong to this team-"

"You don't get it do you? What happened to your other team, huh? You ripped each other apart! What makes you think they are not one argument away from doing the same thing?" She said pointing back to the kitchen.

"This is different than the Accords-"

"Please, I think the Avengers were in disagreement long before the Accords," Erin said pouring anger into her words. "It was just the event that tipped the scale." She knew she was taking her frustration out on Steve, but for the moment she didn't care.

           "At least I tried to pick up the pieces. You think when we were trying to find information about you that I didn't notice you disappeared shortly after your mom died? That was your tipping point. You just dropped your entire life without even a second thought. You didn't even think about how you could have used what you know to help other people."

More rage coursed through Erin. She hadn't talked about her mom since she died and she sure as hell didn't have a desire to talk about her with Steve. "I was barely 21-"

           "And I was barely 18!" Steve yelled. Erin didn't say anything, "Yeah I know what it feels like to be an orphan. Just because you lost everything doesn't give you the right to disappear."

           "Oh and who was going to help me? You think Nick Fury gave a damn about me after my father's division fell? What would you have had me do Steve? Sign up for some crazy experiment and get myself trapped in the ice for 70 years like you?" It was a low blow, but Erin was hoping it would strike home and end the conversation.

           Steve stared hard at her. "At least I made a difference instead of acting like what I do didn't effect anyone else."

           "So you mean to tell me that when you got injected with magic serum all those years ago you felt like you didn't have anything to prove?"

Steve let out a frustrated sigh and looked away from her for a moment, "Look," He said calming his voice, "We're on the same side here."

           For some reason the calm in his voice only fueled her anger further. "There are no sides, Steve that's the thing you can't get into that thick head of yours. The line between good and bad doesn't exist anymore. There's only destruction and survival. How you achieve either is up to you."

The expression on Steve's face was somewhere between sorrow and... pity. Pity was something Erin never wanted. "That makes me sad that you think that."

           "It's not what I think," She spat back, "It's what I know." Erin turned on her heals and walked away from Steve. This time he didn't try and stop her.

****

_"I'm truly sorry for you loss, Elizabeth," The Secretary of Defense said as he stood at the door of their house. Elizabeth was her mother's name, but Erin's father, Matthew, had always called her Liz._

_"Thank you, Mr. Secretary," Erin's mother said without emotion. After hours of guests and a jam-packed funeral for her father and James, Erin was unsure if she ever wanted to see a black dress ever again._

_The Secretary squeezed her shoulder before walking out the door._

_"That's the last of them," Erin's mother said closing the door behind her._

_"Is Cara gone too?" Cara Smith was in charge their family affairs like property and money management. Erin didn't know exactly what that entailed, but Cara had always been a constant figure and solid presence in her life. She was essentially part of the family._

_"Yes, I've given her the rest of the day off." Her mother told her._

_Erin just nodded her head numbly sitting down on the couch rubbing her own shoulders protectively._

_Her mother sat down beside her but didn't touch Erin. Her mother had never been a physically affectionate person. Her father was the opposite in that way. He was the warmth to her mother's coldness and together they balanced each other out perfectly. Or at least they had._

_Now sitting next to her mother, all Erin could feel was the cold, "What do we do now?" Erin asked quietly, hoping her mother would have a cure for the numbness Erin felt in every inch of her body._

_"We move on," Elizabeth said a little too bluntly, like it was the most obvious thing in the world._

_The words did nothing to help cloak Erin's pain. "How?" Her voice was so small, she wasn't even sure it was her own._

_"We hold our chins high and pick up the pieces." Elizabeth said. Her mother looked down for a moment, then straightened herself and looked Erin dead in the eye. Erin's stomach lurched, her mother only had this look when she was about to yell at James or tell Erin she needed to get a 99% on her test next time instead of a 96%. "There is something I want to ask you." Her mother said._

_"What is it?" Erin shifted nervously on the sofa._

_"I've talked with Mr. Stark, and he needs more interns at his branch in London this summer. He thinks you would be the perfect fit. I thought since you were going to study abroad at Oxford next semester anyways this would be a good opportunity to get settled and used to the country."_

_Erin wasn't sure what to say. Her mother wanted to ship her across the sea? Now? At a time like this? Resentment started to rise in her. Was her mother really this heartless? "I... I don't know mom. We... we just lost a huge part of our family, are you sure putting distance between us is going to help?"_

_"I have... some things I need to take care of here. There are contacts I have to go see, I won't be around much anyways. I don't want you to feel like I'm leaving you all alone in an empty house all summer."_

_She wasn't sure what her mother meant by "contacts" but she didn't like the sound of it. Her mother had been acting strange the past few days. She wasn't acting in the way a woman who just lost her husband and eldest son should be. It slightly unsettled Erin that her mother hadn't even cried at the funeral or when they were both first told what had truly happened to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters. She had always been cold, but now her whole persona felt like an ice glacier and it terrified Erin to the core. She suddenly liked the prospect of spending the summer away from her mother and she felt a pain of guilt for feeling that way. "Will you be okay without me?"_

_Her mother smiled, "Yes, I'll be fine. Staying busy keeps my mind off of things and I want you to be safe and away from all of this."_

_Erin hesitated, but her selfishness won in the end. "Okay. I'll go." Erin said._

_And then the strangest thing happened. Her mother hugged her. For a moment as Erin clung to her. She allowed herself to believe her mother was telling the truth._

*********

Erin bolted from her sleep. It was still dark outside her window, but the three lamps in her room started to flicker.

           She put her head in her hands trying to calm her breathing. "London," She said to herself, "Le Harve. Bruxelles. Berlin. Prague. Bratislava. Budapest. Bucharest." She let out a shaky breath, "Birnin Zana." She repeated the nine cities in her head, adding the capital city of Wakanda for the first time. It was a reminder to herself of where she was and how she got there. Sometimes the nightmares were so bad, she had to repeat the cities several times before she could remember. She also reminded herself that she was with Steve Rogers and his team of Avengers. She was in a safe house in Wakanda. Her family was gone. S.H.I.E.L.D. was destroyed.

She lifted her head from her hands to see the lights had stopped flickering and her room was dark again. She took a few more breaths to make sure she was in check then looked at the clock next to her bed. It was 3:04 in the morning.

A sound came from the hallway outside of Erin's room. Her head jerked towards the door. Someone was outside.

           By light of the moon, she slowly removed the covers off of her and got out of bed. Her bare feet felt wobbly on the soft carpet, but she managed to make her way towards the door. She grabbed the gun that sat on her nightstand and checked for ammo. She had a full round. She turned the nob slowly. As soon as the door opened she aimed her weapon.

Her eyes landed on a half asleep, half shocked face.

           "Bucky?" She whispered bringing her weapon down.

           Bucky's eyes shot open when he saw the gun and he put his hands up, "Whoa there."

           "What are you doing here?" She put the gun down but not away, "It's 3 in the morning." She whispered so she wouldn't wake Wanda in the next room.

           "I..." Bucky seemed to lose his words. He put his hands down and stood up.

           Erin narrowed her eyes at him, "Is something the matter with your arm?"

           "Umm, no I just... I walk the halls some nights... when I can't sleep. Or I used to... before." He cleared his throat awkwardly, "It clears my head."

           "But you were asleep. That spot looked particularly comfy?" She questioned. "I could have killed you!"

           Bucky let out a chuckle, like he was amused at the thought. "Takes a lot more than that tiny thing to put me down."

           "I think you underestimate me." She said sticking the gun in the back of the waist band of her pajama pants and crossed her arms over her chest.

           "You're probably right," Bucky let out a soft chuckle and looked down at the floor. "Listen, Erin I'm.... I'm sorry about today," He looked up, "I just... I haven't hear my name for a while and..."

           "I get it," Erin said. She looked to the floor then back at Bucky. "I'm... my brother, his name was James."

Bucky let out a breath and closed his eyes. "Now I really feel like an asshole," Bucky rubbed the back of his neck. "I never said thank you either, for my arm. I don't know how you did it but..." He looked his metal arm up and down like he was still trying to decide if it was real or not.

"Don't thank me yet, we have a long way to go before it feels normal again, but we'll get there... in the morning," Erin hinted.

"Right, in the morning." Bucky repeated backing away from her door, "I'll let you sleep. And put that thing away," He gestured to the gun hidden in the waistband of her pants, "Before you really hurt someone."

Erin chuckled softly, "Goodnight," She said.

He gave her a short nod then turned his back. He didn't give her a second glance as he hurried around the corner of her hallway.

_**_______________________________________** _

_**"Your soulmate is not someone who comes into your life peacefully.** _

_**It is who comes to make you question things, who changes your reality,** _

_**somebody that's a before and after in your life.** _

_**It is not the human being everyone idealized but an ordinary person** _

_**who manages to revolutionize your world in one second."** _

**-Unknown**

 


	13. Chapter 13

**"Mamihlapinatapai (n.) A look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something they both desire but which neither wants to begin."**

_The Winter Soldier. Bucky Barnes. They were the same person._

_Erin sat in a lecture hall at Oxford University in London starring at the photograph her grandfather had given her all those years ago. She couldn't believe it. Bucky Barnes, her grandfather's friend was alive. Not only that, but he was the most infamous assassin in the last 50 years._

_Details of the attack on the S.H.I.E.L.D. Triskelion had just been released. Her mother had sent her an e-mail that morning. Class hadn't been particularly interesting that day, so she read it during one of her lectures._

_Erin and her mother hadn't talked in a few weeks. If she was being honest, she hadn't been happy with her mother all summer. Whatever "contacts" her mother had talked about dealing with, they always took precedent over Erin. She was busy with her internship at the STARK lab in London, but a check in once a week instead of once a month would have been appreciated. It would have made her feel less alone. Whenever they did get to talk, her mother always seemed far away, like she was on a completely different planet._

_Erin read the e-mail. Then reread it, trying to make sense of it all. HYDRA had been secretly infiltrating S.H.I.E.L.D. all along under everyone's noses. Alexander Pierce, head of S.H.I.E.L.D. was actually a member of HYDRA as well as several other colleagues Erin's family had come to know and trust for years. Some of those people dated back to the beginning of the organization with her grandfather. Erin felt sick to her stomach. She had met Mr. Pierce. He was her best friend Jill's uncle. Her father respected him._

_She closed her eyes, trying to ease the nausea away. The next paragraph of the e-mail contained details about how Pierce used an assassin to kill Nick Fury._

Nick Fury is alive _. Her mother wrote in between paragraphs._ He's in hiding _._

_But it wasn't just any assassin that had tried to kill him. It was the Winter Soldier. Credited with more than 50 kills he was easily the deadliest assassin of the 20th century. Some didn't believe he was real, but his ghost story fascinated Erin. She had even done enough research to do a paper about him in high school._

_Now, Erin knew he was very real. He was the man she admired in the picture all these years. Little did she know when she looked at him, a smile plaster on his face, and his arm around Captain America, she was looking at the Winter Soldier._

_At_ _the_ _bottom_ _of_ _the_ _e-mail_ _her_ _mom_ _wrote_ :

I've found them. All of them. And this time they'll answer for what they did.

I love you.

_Erin felt like everything she knew had been turned upside down. She sat back in her lecture seat as breathing became harder and harder to accomplish._

_"Ms. McCall?" Her professor called. Erin tore her eyes from the screen to look at him, "Are you alright?" He asked._

_Erin didn't answer. Instead, she slammed her laptop shut, shoved it into her backpack, and ran out of the room. Just as she closed the door behind her, her phone started to ring. It was her mom._

_"Mom?" Erin answered it urgently._

_"Erin?" A voice said over the phone. It was Cara. "Are you there?"_

_"I'm here," Erin said, "What's going on?"_

_"Erin... I'm sorry." Cara said. Erin could hear her voice break._

_"What happened?" Erin pushed._

_"Your mom..."_

_Erin's entire body went numb. She didn't feel herself hang up her phone. She didn't feel her legs start to move as she made of straight line for the nearest exit, walked out the doors, and didn't look back._

_****_

_**May-July 2017** _

The weeks past. Everything Erin did fell into a routine. Wake up by 7:30. Breakfast. Train. Lunch. Work on Bucky's arm. Do whatever chores she felt the need to get out of the way. Dinner. Team Meeting. Sleep. Repeat.

However friendly Steve and his team were, Erin still felt like an outsider among them. She felt comfortable with Wanda and Clint kept an extra eye on her, but something still felt different. The rest of the team had a flow that connected all of them. Whatever that flow was, Erin didn't have it.

At least she wasn't alone in that feeling. Bucky was very much the same. He didn't talk much at meetings or meals. He trained with them and would laugh with Sam and Steve sometimes, but it seemed like there was something out of rhythm with him as well.

Since that night in the hall, he hadn't attempted to talk to Erin much. They sometimes made small talk while she worked on his arm, but it always ended in silence. Every day she thought about telling Bucky about who she was and who her grandfather had been. She almost took the photo out of her back pocket dozens of times, but every day she chickened out. She wasn't ready yet and she didn't believe he was either.

If Bucky had any indication of who she was, he didn't show it. Erin wondered if he even remembered her grandfather. She wasn't sure she wanted to find out either.

Work on Bucky's arm was slow but steady. For now he could use his metal arm again for most anything: climbing, firing a gun, punching, and hand to hand combat. He couldn't hang from things or pull him self up effortlessly with one arm anymore, but there was still some room for improvements. Erin knew she could do this. She had to.

This was the sole reason why she was the one who spent the most time with Bucky apart from Steve. They spent hours together while she worked on his arm and he would come to her whenever he felt it was becoming a problem. Other than that, he mostly kept to himself just like she did. Although they had spent many hours in each other's company, the Winter Soldier was still a mystery to Erin and if James Barnes had any interest in her life, he didn't show it.

One afternoon, a book sat in Erin's lap. The Wakanda sun covered her as she sat in the corner of the garden, a place that had become her sanctuary these past weeks.

Erin finished the last line of the page from her book and moved her finger to turn the page when something caught the corner of her eye. She looked up and saw him walking towards her. His dark hair hung over his face. He was wearing a dark blue baseball shirt and his two hands stuck in the pockets of his jeans. One hand was human the other metal.

She dismissed her thoughts as Bucky came to a stop in front of her, his blue eyes bright in the sun.

"Hey," She said looking up from her book at him.

"Hi," He said, looking from her to the bush next to them and back. Did he look nervous?

"Is there something wrong with your arm?" She asked, standing up to examine the metal.

"Umm, no, it's fine," He said. He rubbed his human hand on the back of his neck.

"What's the matter?" She asked him.

"I was just... a couple weeks ago you offered..." He ran a hand through his hair.

"Ahh, finally surrendering?" She teased him, smirking.

He gave her a small smile.

"Come on," She half grinned at him. She closed her book and elbowed him in the shoulder as they walked back to the house together.

****

A few weeks ago Erin had been working on his arm for a full hour when she had made the offer. That day they had both been silent and for some reason the silence made her want to scream. The first few times she had worked on his arm without Steve there watching, the silence had been fine. She was usually too focused on wires and tools that she didn't feel the need to fill the space with small talk.

For so long she had only been studying his metal arm, like it was the only part of him that existed. But this day she let her eyes wander to his other features. She allowed herself glances at his face, broad shoulders, and the line of his jaw. And yes, she couldn't help but notice his wild dark hair.

"I could give you a hair cut if you like." She blurted out.

He turned to look at her. For some reason, the look on his face was not what she was expecting. It was soft with a hint of amusement. It was enough to make her stop fiddling with the wires in his arm. It felt like this was the first time they had really looked at one another. Sure, they had made conversations at meals and during training. Small smiles were offered when Erin was feeling sassy, but it felt like it had only been in passing. She had never allowed herself to drink him in.

The strangest thing happened then. He actually laughed. A wide grin broke out on his face, "What?" He asked her.

Her cheeks instantly grew hot and she wished she hadn't said anything, "Your hair, I could trim in for you if you want..." She looked down at his arm and began fiddling with the wires again.

"It makes me look that bad huh?"

"No!" She added quickly, the heat in her face continuing to burn. "I just thought... you keep playing with it so I thought I would offer. Sorry, it was stupid of me." She definitely couldn't look him in the eye ever again. Ever.

She could still hear him chuckling as she continued her work.

Over the next few weeks, Bucky continued the joke. She was embarrassed at first, but after a while it became a sort of banter between the two of them. He would tease her and she would tease him back. Nobody ever knew what they were talking about, but Erin liked it that way.

*********

Ever since that day, something had been different between them. There was a certain warmth and level of comfort that hadn't been there before she had made him laugh for the first time. It wasn't precisely friendship either. She couldn't quite put a finger on it.

Now in her bathroom, he had finally asked her to give him a haircut. They were silent for a while, nothing but the sound of the scissors snipping his hair away.

For the first time, she could focus on another part of him, a part that wasn't made up of metal. She ran her fingers through his dark hair and found it surprisingly soft. _Maybe HYDRA was just a short name for hydrate, their secret shampoo and conditioner hair care line._

She chuckled to herself at the thought.

"What's so funny?" Bucky asked her, "You didn't mess up the back of my head did you?"

"No," She let out a small chuckle, "Just a joke to myself."

"Mhmm," He said. She couldn't see his facial expression as she continued shaping his hair.

"You're sure you know what you're doing?" He asked her suddenly.

"I've done this a hundred times," She assured him.

"Can I ask who for?"

Erin missed a beat. A small pain she hadn't allowed herself to feel in a while bloomed in her chest. "I used to do this for my brother," she replied quietly.

"Who does it for him now?" Bucky asked cautiously.

"No one," She paused, the weight of what she was about to say settled on her heart. "My brother's dead. My whole family is."

A paused, "Hey, mine too," He let out a small laugh and looked at her in the mirror. Erin met his gaze. He'd meant it as a joke, but Erin didn't find it funny. When she didn't laugh, Bucky let out a dry cough and dropped his eyes from the mirror. "I'm sorry, that was really bad humor."

Erin returned her attention back to his hair. She was quiet for a moment then said, "I'm just glad there's something left in you that can joke." Her voice quiet, "Although the humor may not be that great." She added jokingly.

"What kind of jokes do you suggest?"

"You could try, 'That's what she said,' or you could just make fun of Twilight."

"What's Twilight?"

She had to suppress a laugh, "You definitely don't want to know." She looked back up at the mirror and smiled at him.

She saw a ghost of a smile pass over his face as she laughed. "That book you were reading, _The Count of Monte Cristo_ , I didn't take you for a Alexandre Dumas fan." He told her.

"Considering this is the longest conversation we've ever had, it doesn't surprise me."

"I guess you make a fair point..." He flashed his eyes to her in the mirror. "Truth is, I never know what to ask you." He said it carefully but with a ring of honesty behind his words. "Everyone else seems to talk to me like I'm fragile... everyone except for you." She saw him look at her again through the mirror. "It unnerves me for some reason."

She stopped cutting and looked back at him in the mirror. "You can ask me anything," She said quietly, "I can't promise I'll always answer, but you can ask." She said snipping away the remainder of his uneven locks. She shook out his hair and examined her work. "There," She said putting the scissors down, "Not too short, but it should stay out of your way," She offered him a small smile.

He looked at the mirror and ran a hand through his freshly cut locks, "Feels weird," He chuckled. "Thank you," He whispered. She looked into the mirror to find his blue eyes looking at her intently. His gaze held her there and she couldn't seem to look away.

"You're welcome," She whispered back.

He looked down and stood up from his spot on the bathtub. He turned around to face her. Erin became suddenly aware small space between them. He towered over her, looking at her like he was trying to decide something, but couldn't make up his mind.

Erin swallowed as her face became suddenly hot. She cursed her heart for beating faster just because he was close to her.

"Erin," He whispered her name. He leaned closer to her, his human arm brushing her forearm. Something in his body language told Erin he wanted to be closer, but something else made him cautious.

Her stomach exploded in a burst of butterflies. This should not be happening. She had closed off the part of her a long time ago.

Bucky continued, "I-"

A knock on the door made them both jump way from each other.

Clint opened the door, "Oh," he said, "Sorry I didn't mean to interrupt." He raised his eyebrows, "Erin, Wanda's looking for you." Erin nodded at him and Clint turned his eyes towards Bucky. "Nice haircut."

"Erin's work," he said, turning to her and flashing her a rare half smile. She returned with her own shy smile.

"Uh-huh," Clint said looking back and forth between the two of them.

"I should go," Erin said, "I promised Wanda I'd help her cook tonight. She's trying to teach me to cook that that next time everyone won't have to lie to me when they say they loved what I made," She chuckled nervously. "I'll see you both at dinner?"

Clint nodded his head, leaning against the doorframe to give her room to get out. Erin looked back at Bucky one more time. He was looking in the mirror, studying his own reflection.

As she walked out of the bathroom, Erin couldn't help but still feel the touch of the Winter Soldier's fingers brushing her arm.

________________________________________________

**_"It's exciting when you find parts of yourself in someone else."_ **

**-Annaka Silvia**

 


	14. Chapter 14

**"Imbroglio (n.) an altercation or complicated situtation."**

"Arm up," Steve commanded, "Right foot forward and go for the jab."

Erin learned how to defend herself from a young age. Her brother and mother had made sure of that. Her mother put her in a self defense class when she was 9 and she began boxing with Jamie a year later. She picked up martial arts in high school too, but without consistent training the last few years, Erin quickly realized just how lazy she had become. 

The first training session with Steve had been torture. Her posture was all wrong and most of her shots were lucky instinct and muscle memory. She was so sore and tired after the first day, she slept straight through a 12 hour night. It took two weeks of brushing her up on basic combat skills  before she could even think about being a match for him. After a while she started remembering everything she had learned. Her fighting senses became sharper and she was able use her speed against Steve's brute strength. 

Yesterday she had finally bested him and he decided she was worthy enough to move onto knife fighting. Erin knew how to handle a gun, but she had never learned the art of knife fighting. She had never needed to use a weapon in that kind of up close fight. Erin had been training with Steve and Bucky all morning learning the basic movements and how not to cut off her own fingers in the process.

"You're teaching her how to avoid getting hit with a knife, but when are you going to teach her to use one?" Bucky said from the sidelines.

"The best way to use something is to know all of its weak points first." Steve replied. He turned back to Erin, "Okay, try dodging it this time. Bring your left arm up and try to disarm me."

Erin nodded and backed up a few steps, readying her stance. Steve brought his hand up and made his move. He first went for the right side of her torso. She escaped by dodging but noticed his other hand move up. She ducked and avoided his blow. She knew what was coming next. She brought her left hand up and blocked Steve's right arm from connecting any blow from hitting her. She twisted his arm so he lost all leverage he had on her.

Steve smirked, "Good," He backed away, "You're getting better."

Erin thanked him by raising her eyebrow.

Steve looked over at Bucky. "Here," He said, "Watch us. Study our moves, defenses, and attack patterns."

Erin looked over at Bucky who simply shrugged.

"Okay," She said stepping aside.

Bucky took her place, "You sure you're up for this old man?" Bucky teased, "If I remember correctly last time we had a little knife fight I kicked your ass."

"Yeah well, your memory is shit," Steve said readying his fight stance.

"Then you won't mind if I use the real thing?" Bucky said pulling a knife from his belt.

Erin's eyes widened, but Steve wasn't phased. "Be my guest."

It was funny the way Bucky acted around Steve. It was so completely different from how he was around the team. It was interesting the see his guard fall slightly whenever it was just the two of them. She felt like she was looking through a time portal and getting to see who Bucky truly had been. They were just two boys from Brooklyn. The glimpses she saw gave her a warm feeling inside, something like hope.

Quick as lightening, Bucky made his first attack. He went for Steve's side, but Steve blocked it. Up, down, side to side, Bucky tried to hit Steve in any vulnerable spot he had.

They moved like a dance. Watching Bucky flip the knife back and forth between his hands was mesmerizing, but he never touched Steve, he was too quick. He knew every one of his own weak spots and was quick to cover them before Bucky realized which ones were vulnerable. Steve was always one step ahead of him.

Bucky flipped the knife to his left hand going to another one of Steve's open spots, but something prevented his metal arm from following through. Erin watched as his arm turned against him, unable to finish out his offensive move.

Bucky's face scrunched in confusion for half a second, but it was enough to let Steve take the opportunity to drop down and knock Bucky right off of his feet. Bucky slammed on his back and dropped the knife that landing at Erin's feet.

"Looks like I was right," Steve smirked holding out his hand to help Bucky up.

Erin cocked her head looking at the vibranium on Bucky's arm, "In Bucky's defense," Erin said walking over to Bucky and examining his arm after he stood up. "Something's wrong with the prosthetic muscle connectors in his arm," She ran her fingers over the metal looking at the different wires.

"What does that mean?" Bucky asked, sounding uncomfortable.

Erin looked up and realized she had just entered his personal space. The pained look of repulsion on his face made her back away awkwardly. "It means that the serum I injected your arm with when you first woke up was only a temporary solution."

"What do we do?" Steve asked, crossing his arms.

Erin looked up from Bucky's arm. "Go back to the drawing board and see if I can find out."

"Guys," The three of them looked up to see Wanda running into the training room. "Come quick. You're going to want to see this."

Steve, Erin, and Bucky all exchanged looks and followed Wanda out of the room.

*********

"T'Challa just sent this to us. This note came to him yesterday." Wanda threw a picture of the note T'Challa had e-mailed them.

The note was hand written as if whoever wrote it thought the gesture meant something to them. It wasn't addressed to anyone and there was no indication of where it had come from. In cursive it said:

_I've been watching the weapon very closely. The progress that has been made is truly astounding. I hope to see it in top condition again. I will finish what was started._

_Best wishes,_

_D.K._

The blood in Erin's veins went cold. She looked around to find everyone else looking just as unsettled as she felt. _D.K._ She had seen that somewhere before but she couldn't remember where...

"Is this meant for all of us? Whoever they are, why didn't they address anyone? What weapon are they talking about?" Natasha said asking what they were all thinking.

"Who's D.K.?" Scott asked.

"They said they want to finish what was started..." Sam stared at the table thoughtfully. "What about those people that took Bucky? Do we have anything on them?" Sam asked.

Steve shook his head, "It's like after we rescued him whoever they were just... disappeared."

"I don't like it," Erin said, "It's been bothering me for weeks how easily we got out of there. Whoever this person is they didn't just disappear."

"I think she's right," Clint said, "This note says something about a weapon. I could be wrong, but isn't that all HYDRA saw Bucky as? A weapon? Whoever kidnapped Bucky, I don't think they're done with him yet."

Erin instinctively looked over at Bucky. Even though he was standing in the same room, she felt an urge to be closer to him. It was an overwhelming sense of protection. Whoever wanted to lay their hands on Bucky had to go through her first.

"I just find it strange we didn't find anything at that building. The soldiers we took out didn't have any symbols, no marks, nothing. And the building it was just... empty," Sam said.

Realization came over Erin. "I'll be right back." Erin said running out of the kitchen up into her room. She grabbed the file from her drawer and ran back downstairs.

"Have you seen this symbol before?" Erin dropped the folder onto the table.

"What is this?" Steve asked opening it up to examine its contents.

Erin was silent for a moment, "I found it in one of the rooms of the warehouse when we found Bucky."

"And you're just showing this to us now?" Steve asked obviously upset.

"I've been a little busy." She said in defense.

"What are these? Formulas?" Sam asked looking over Steve's shoulder.

"I think they are a record of experiments. I learned quantum formulas like this in college. They are meant for some pretty advanced robotics. I looked the sign up too. It's an ancient Greek symbol for strength."

"Then what's it doing on a 20th century German science experiment?" Wanda asked.

"Hold on," Bucky said speaking for the first time since the meeting started. He picked up the folder and stared at the symbol. "You're right, they are after me." He said quietly setting the folder back down on the table. "I've seen this before. When I was first taken by HYDRA, there was a doctor there who... didn't quite agree with the way some of the scientists were handling things." Bucky turned his eyes to the note again.

Erin looked over at Bucky, his blue eyes darting at the faces of each person in the room.

"I don't remember his name," He continued, "But he helped develop the serum they used to repress me. He believed he could perfect the it, make soldiers faster, stronger, more compliant."

Erin couldn't believe these scientists had gotten Bucky as a result of their experiments and still were not satisfied with they got in the end. She suddenly felt sick to her stomach.

"I remember the other scientists saying he was a madman and that his own serum turned men into uncontrollable beasts. I was sent to kill him in his sleep, but he escaped before I could get to him. He took all of the serum HYDRA had with him..." Bucky trailed off, "They found an alternative serum years later. That's when I was..." He looked down, ashamed of the actions that hadn't been his to control.

Wanda had told Erin Tony and Steve had argued last year not because of the Accords, but because the Winter Soldier had killed Tony's parents. Steve had known about it, but never told Tony. He chose to protect Bucky.

Bucky continued. "Before he and his followers disappeared, he left a note saying that he would finish his work and marked it with that exact same symbol."

"Do you believe this must have come from whoever is left of his followers?" Natasha asked.

Bucky nodded his head, "His followers were small, but fiercely loyal. They all truly believed in whatever it was this doctor wanted to accomplish. If they've waited this long to reveal themselves that can only mean one thing."

"Do I even wan to know what that thing might be?" Sam chimed in.

Bucky looked up at him, "They've perfected his serum," He turned his eyes to Erin, locking her gaze, "And I'm their perfect test subject."

______________________________________________________

**_"My demons, though quiet, are never quite silenced._ **

**_Calm as they may be, they wait patiently_ **

**_for a reason to wake,_ ** **_take an overdue breath,_ **

**_and crawl back to my ear ."_ **

**-Sarah Boswell**

 


	15. Chapter 15

**"Appetence (n.) an eager desire; an instinctive inclination; an attraction or natural bond."**

Erin had been working on Bucky's arm for a good portion of the morning trying figure out where her first serum had gone wrong. Even after she figured out what the problem was, she only had a theory on how to fix it.

A few days had passed since Bucky revealed what he knew about the symbol, but they weren't any closer to figuring out who _D.K._ was.

"Can I ask you something?" Bucky said out of the blue.

She glanced up from his metal arm, "No, I don't like cats."

"Darn," Bucky chuckled.

Erin laughed with him, "What is it?" She was curious. Bucky had never really initiated conversations during the times she worked on his arm. He must really be curious if he was now. Another small part of Erin however hoped it was something else.

Bucky hesitated for a moment, "Steve told me that you were one of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s top recruits. That guy with the eye patch, Nick Fury, he had high hopes for you. What happened?"

Erin stopped what she was doing for a moment and looked at him, surprised. He had never asked her such a direct question before. It took her a moment to figured out how to respond. "After... after everything that happened with HYDRA..." She swallowed, thinking of the memories.

Bucky looked down, "After we blew it to hell."

"That wasn't you." She said quickly. He glanced back at her, surprised. She quieted her voice, "Even I know that." His blue eyes stared at her. She looked back at his arm and continued working, "After that, I just didn't see the point anymore."

Another moment passed. "What made you want to be a part of S.H.I.E.L.D. in the first place?"

A ghost of a smile played on her lips, "I'm not sure you would believe me."

"Oh come on," He smiled at her and Erin's heart expanded in her chest. It was in this moment, he looked like Bucky Barnes. She was seeing him as her Bucky from that old picture. There was no trace of the Winter Soldier in his smile.

She dropped his stare, "It was you."

She looked back up to see more confusion flash across his face as he shifted in his seat turning his whole body more towards her. "I don't understand."

Erin bit the inside of her cheek. "My full name is Erin Margret McCall," She met his gaze. "My grandfather... his name was Matthew McCall. He was a sergeant during World War II," She paused, "He served with the 107th, was captured by HYDRA, experimented on, and rescued by Steve... all with you," She paused, "You were his friend."

Something fearful passed over Bucky's eyes. He looked away from her, into a window of some memory she knew she couldn't follow. She swallowed and continued, "After he was rescued, my grandfather worked closely alongside Mr. Stark and Agent Carter, helping develop the bio mechanics division of S.H.I.E.L.D." She said quietly. "And that only happened because of you."

He finally looked at her again, but if he recalled anything about her grandfather he didn't reveal it. Erin had been hesitant to bring up the subject with him. She held a small flicker of hope that he would remember, but she knew it had been foolish to hope. "He always told me the only reason Mr. Stark ever sought him out was because you recommended him before..." _You died? You fell?_ "Well, only you know what happened to you." Her voice was no more than a whisper.

His gaze was distant again, like he was trying desperately to grab onto something, but was helpless as it floated away out of reach.

"It's okay if you don't-"  She cut herself off. "When I was little, he gave me a picture. It was of the two of you with Steve. I took it with me everywhere. He... he told me all about you. He said you were a good friend and one of the best men he ever knew."

There was silence for a moment. "What happened to him?" He asked her, his voice hallow.

"He was killed before I graduated high school." She replied. He was quiet as she continued to work. Bucky didn't ask any other questions after that. He simply stared at the wall wearing an expression Erin couldn't decipher. "Alright," She said finishing up, "That's about all I can do today. I need to let the wires cool before I can reset the nerve frames. This is only a another temporary solution, I'm going to need to try and find a quantum magnifier-"

"Erin." He interrupted her. His human hand touched caught her forearm as she went to turn away. He looked at her, that blue gaze always holding her. She should be stronger than this, but right now she wasn't. "Thank you," He said, his voice was low, "For telling me."

Erin nodded her head, "I'll see at dinner."

She left the room as fast as she could.

*********

Erin didn't show up to dinner that night. Wanda knocked on her door a little after 9 and asked her if she was feeling alright.

Erin gave her a courageous gin and told her everything was fine and that she was just tired.

Once Wanda shut the door, Erin removed her box of treasures from its hiding place. Inside contained her entire world. There were letters her grandfather wrote to her grandmother during his time in the war. She didn't remember much of her grandmother, she died when Erin was just a baby, but the letters gave her a glimpse of the kind person she had been.

Her mother's purple heart sat in the box next to pictures of Erin and her brother throughout the years. There were other pictures as well, too many for her to reminisce on. In the bottom drawer laid a stack of folders and a flash drive that contained all of her grandfather and father's work. Some of it was published and some they had never shown anyone. She took it out carefully and spread the papers on her bed.

Erin spent hours mostly going over her father's paperwork. If anyone could help her figure out what the formulas from the other folder meant, it was him. The answer had to be somewhere in his work.

She was only half way through trying to string together her third theory when she heard a noise outside her room. She jerked her head up and looked at the clock, it was a little past midnight.

Erin stacked the papers into the different piles of information so she could keep track of what she discovered and put them back in the box. She got up from her bed and walked towards her door.

Erin opened to door to find Bucky sitting right outside. He looked up at her but didn't say a word, his eyes cautious with an unspoken question.

The locked eyes for a long moment. "Do you want to come in?" She asked quietly.

Slowly, he got up from his spot on the ground and crossed the threshold of the door to her room. Although it was one simple step, the action felt like it was unlocking another door that Erin hadn't opened in years. 

*********

They sat on Erin's bed. She leaned against her backboard with her legs crossed and Bucky sat against the wall her bed was pushed against.

They talked for hours. Erin asked Bucky what he remembered of his childhood and what it was like growing up in Brooklyn in the early 20th century. He told what he could, little bits and pieces that still came back to him but he couldn't remember a lot.

He asked her all about her life growing up. What her favorite movies were, what her favorite things to do, things she hated, and weird foods she liked to eat.

"I grew up in D.C.," She said, "My grandpa's work was too important to go anywhere else, but my parents took me to New York with them a lot too." She paused, "Do you... do you remember him at all?"

Bucky's face fell and he shook his head. "I tried. I..."

Erin had an idea then. She reached under her bed quick and retrieved a picture of her grandpa. It was a picture of her grandmother and him at their wedding reception, all smile. "Does this help?" She handed Bucky the picture cautiously.

He took it and looked at him, studying every detail. "Matty..." He whispered quietly. A small half grin spread over his face, "I called him Matty." He looked up at her.

Erin couldn't suppress her smile.

"Ester," He whispered quietly. "That's her name right?" He looked up at her hopefully.

Erin nodded her head eagerly, suddenly overcome with emotion.

"I... I don't remember specific memories, places, but... Everyone loved him." A sly smile played on Bucky's face as he launched into the story of her grandfather.

Mathew McCall was a man of honor. He carried a picture of her grandmother with him everywhere. Above everything else he cared about his family. He was funny and nice to everyone he met. He always looked on the bright side of things. Bucky said he remembered her grandfather's spirit, but it was his kindness that won him so many friends. "I'm sorry I can't remember more-"

"No," Erin interrupted him, "That was..." She couldn't think of words to describe, "That means everything to me." She smiled at him. Instinctively she reached out her hand and grabbed his.

Bucky looked down at their fingers, as if he was debating on pulling away or not, but he simply took her hand and rubbed the top of her knuckled with his thumb. Something in Erin's heart expanded then, like a muscle she didn't know she had. "What was he like as a grandpa?" Bucky asked in return.

So she told him. She told him how her earliest memory of her grandpa was him reading her stories from an American history book and how her father brought her to work some days and she would sit in the lab, content watching the two of them work together. She told him everything he was and everything he had meant to her. Bucky asked about her family, her mother, brother, and her father.

"Did your father inspire you to join S.H.I.E.L.D. too?"

"He was a part of it, but it was my grandfather that really inspired me to want to follow in his footsteps and be a part of it all." She said quietly, "And then my brother joined so of course I had to do exactly what he did." She said lightheartedly. "He was named after you, you know."

"Your brother?"

Erin nodded her head, "James Matthew McCall."

"Wow... I had no idea I had such an impact on Matty." Bucky said with a half grin.

"He was going to ask you to be my father's godfather too, before-" Erin shut her mouth, cursing herself. "Trust me, you were just as important to him as he was to you."

Pain flashed through Bucky's eyes and Erin regretted saying anything about it. "Who were you named after?" He asked trying to change the subject.

"My mom's grandfather and Peggy Carter," She half smirked.

"Your mom? You don't talk about her much."

Erin was quiet, "My mother was a veteran. She served four tours, two in Iraq and two in Afghanistan." Erin swallowed, "She was part of an elite team, people assigned the worst jobs you could think of. She saw things... things that changed her when she came home. She applied for discharge when I was thirteen and I think after that she didn't quite know what to do. I mean, my dad basically raised me and James. Don't get me wrong she was an amazing mother and she served our country bravely, but she was never really... entirely there. I think a part of her was left on the other side of the world..." Erin licked her lips, "When my father and brother... She didn't handle it well. I knew because for the first time since she came home, she was sharp and focused. Thinking back on it, there was something in her eyes... it was like she was back in the Middle East again. It was terrifying. She suggested that I take a semester and study abroad, clear my head, somehow... forget what had happened to our family. What I didn't know was that she didn't want me to know what she was up to." Erin's voice turned to a whisper.

"I didn't go to Oxford for education, I went because I was selfish. I was angry with my mom for shutting me out. All I could think of before I left was 'I don't care. Let her be with her self-pity.' I didn't call or send her emails as often as I should have. I was awful."

Bucky didn't disagree or try to comfort her. Erin appreciated that, "What happened to her?" he asked.

"The last thing she told me was that she had weeded out the men who had worked for my father under HYDRA. She was in New York for the final phase of her plan, but she couldn't..." Erin's voice fell. "They found her body in the Hudson. After her funeral, I went back to Oxford but my first day back in classes I just... I couldn't do it. So I walked out of my first lecture hall and never looked back."

"I know a thing or two about running," Bucky said quietly.

Erin thought about asking him what happened in the two years on his own, but she decided she didn't need to know. Not tonight. "I think everyone does it their own way," She said quietly. Bucky studied her again and it made Erin feel naked, like whenever he looked at her she was stripped of everything she had and there was nothing she could hide from him.

To distract herself, Erin looked over at the clock. It was 4 in the morning, "Well maybe we can exchange travel stories another time." She teased.

Bucky looked at the clock and his eyebrows shot up, "I guess you wanted to sleep huh?"

"You're not tired?" She asked.

He looked down at her bed spread, "I was frozen in sleep for 60 years," He looked back up at her, "It doesn't come as easy as it used to."

The words left her mouth before she could think, "Do you want to stay here?"

Bucky took a sharp breath, like the question pained him. He must have seen the look in her eyes because he quickly nodded his head.

They laid down on her bed. He tucked his human hand behind his head and looked at her and she looked back.

"Can I tell you something?" He whispered. She nodded her head, "I want to remember more. I remember bits and pieces, but... I want to remember my family, my home, Matt, I want my memories back, more than anything."

"I'll help, in anyway I can." She whispered back.

"Thank you, Erin not just for all the work you've done on my arm but... everything you've done trying to make me whole again."

She didn't say anything. She wasn't sure what to reply. "You're welcome" didn't sum up what she was feeling. So she leaned closer into him, his body a pleasant warmth she hadn't realized she needed until now.

___________________________________________

_**"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves,** _

_**and no** **t** **twist them to fit our own image.** _

_**Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves** **w** **e find in them."** _

**-Thomas Merton**

 


	16. Chapter 16

**"Mauerbauretraurigkeit (n.) the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends you really like."**

_Erin's endless parade of funerals started with her grandfather when she was 17. Of all the funerals she had attended in her life, this one she remembered the clearest. She hadn't cried during the ceremony or when she gave her elegy about how much her grandfather meant to her. She didn't even cry when they lowered him into the ground or when she was forced to recall her favorite memories to indulge the mourners who had come._

_No, the tears came when she closed the door to her bedroom after listening to a never-ending stream of apologies that came from people she didn't know. After her parents had gone to bed and James had gone out, Erin let her grief flow freely._

_It washed over her like waves, the realization of it hitting her over and over again. It wasn't until nearly an hour later that she looked up through her puffy eyes and noticed the flowers that had been set on her desk. It was a huge beautiful bouquet. Every kind of petal seemed to flow from it and in the middle was a single white rose that acted as the centerpiece of the arrangement._

_Erin got up slowly got up from her spot on her bedroom floor and walked over to examine the bouquet more closely. She ran her fingers over the lilies, peonies, and carnations. They were real, the petals soft under her touch. She wondered when her mom had, had time to set them in her room, or if they were from James._

_Then her fingers brushed against something too hard to be a flower petal or even a leaf. Erin ran her fingers over the spot again and noticed a card nestled in between two of the lilies. She plucked it from the flowers and read it._

Our deepest condolences

-D.K.

_****_

Erin already forgot what she had been dreaming about when a knock on the door woke her up.

"Erin?" Wanda said from outside her door, "Breakfast is ready."

Erin groaned, "Be down in a minute!" She mumbled still half asleep. She tried to turn over but noticed she was trapped by an arm, Bucky's human arm.

Her eyes shot open. Erin looked down to see his arm lightly wrapped around her waist. Her senses came alive as she felt his steady breath hit the back of her neck and and heard the sound of his light snoring in her ear.

They had fallen asleep. Bucky had spent the night. In her bed. Next to her. _Oh gosh._

A fluttery feeling washed over Erin. A beat that felt like it was being driven by a hammer reverberated inside her chest.

 _Breath._ She commanded herself. She wiggled around to face Bucky, but he didn't move. He was still sound asleep. She thought about nudging him awake, but something held her back for a moment, like it was commanding her to stay in the moment for a little while longer.

So she took the opportunity to study him. His face was so peaceful. It was so different from the hard lines of his face when he was awake, like a mask he couldn't quite shed. Something about it made Erin's heart ache a little. A strand of dark hair hung in his face and she gently pushed in out of the way.

Her eyes followed the lines of his face and down his neck. She had never noticed before, but his neck was littered with tiny scars and indent marks that looked like they never fully healed. She looked at his chest wondering how many scars he had underneath the red cotton shirt he was wearing. How many did he have to prove his years of service to war and then HYDRA? Her eyes flashed back to his face as he moved his head slightly, like he was trying to sink further into Erin's pillow.

Goodness he was beautiful.

She allowed herself a few more moments before she she realized her moment had to be over or else she would want be stuck here, content with Bucky, maybe forever. Wanting something you couldn't have was a danger Erin was too familiar with.

"Bucky," She whispered.

His eyes moved under his eyelids.

"Bucky," She repeated.

"Hmm." He mumbled with his eyes still closed.

"We have to get up, it's time for breakfast."

Slowly, his eyelids fluttered open and his eyes were as clear as a blue sky taking Erin's breath away for a moment.

Her cheeks filled with heat as his eyes roamed over her face. Now he was studying _her._

She suddenly became aware of how she must look. Her hair was most likely disheveled and she probably had horrible morning breath, but when she tried to scoot back, Bucky's arm kept her in place. If he found her morning look repulsive he didn't show it.

"Did you sleep well?" she half teased.

He nodded his head and slowly his mouth turned into a grin. Erin swore her heart stopped for a moment. He looked just like Bucky from the picture her grandfather had given her. _Her_ Bucky.

That feeling vanished as a stormy look clouded his face, causing his smile to fade. He scrunched his eyebrows together like he was confused.

Bucky didn't say anything as he removed his arm from around her waist and stood up from her bed, "I'll see you downstairs."

Erin nodded her head. She watched him walk out of her room and shut the door behind him, feeling much colder than she had a few moments ago. She already missed the feeling of his arms around her.

*********

Erin changed into her training clothes and freshened up. Before leaving her room, she took out her box and opened it. Sitting on top of a pile of pictures was the picture of Bucky, her grandfather, and Steve. She grabbed it and headed downstairs.

Erin's mind was jumbled as she made her way down to the kitchen. What had last night meant exactly? Her and Bucky had just talked and slept next to each other. _It was no big deal._ She said to herself. _You just fell asleep._ However innocent Erin told herself it was, the act still felt more intimate than anything she had ever done.

How did Bucky feel? What did he think about it? Why did he have that look on his face before he left?

"Where's Natasha?" Erin heard Sam ask as she entered the kitchen.

Erin mindlessly reached for a plate and a glass for orange juice. "She had to leave early this morning, she didn't say why." Clint replied from the table.

"Geez Erin, you look like you're thinking about something too hard this early in the morning," Sam noted as she scooped herself some eggs onto her plate.

Erin snapped out of her trance, "You could say that."

"You look tired. Long night?" Clint said looking from her to Bucky, who was talking with Steve at the table.

Her eyes lingered there a moment before returning Clint's gaze. "I was going over some of my dad's old research last night trying to make a connection with the formulas in D.K.'s folder."

"Any luck?" Wanda asked peeling an orange from her seat on the counter.

Erin shook her head, "It just keeps looping back around in a circle, like a never ending paradox." She said setting her plate next to Wanda and sitting in a chair at the kitchen island.

Erin looked back at Steve and Bucky who were still talking. She chewed her lip looking at Bucky's arm ideas flying through her mind.

"Wanda, you can look into people's minds, make them see things right?" She asked turning to her friend, "Like fears and desires?"

Wanda gave her a startled look at Erin's sudden curiosity, but still nodded her head. "Yes."

"Can you... can you tap into someone's memory?"

Wanda gave her a skeptical look. "Memories are tricky. It's easy to read what someone is thinking in that moment because it's at the forefront of their mind, but memories are hidden deeper than that, so I can only catch glimpses at a time," She paused, "Why?"

Erin shrugged, "Just a theory I'm working on." She looked over at Bucky again. He and Steve had their heads close together discussing something that looked serious. Steve's eyes flashed over to her for a moment and she quickly looked down at her food.

Once everyone finished breakfast, they headed for the training room. They usually all trained together in the mornings, pairing off and working on different things. This morning she continued combat training with Steve and Bucky.

Bucky hadn't so much as glanced at her during breakfast and it made Erin uneasy. He finally looked at her as he handed her a practice knife, "Go for his left side," He whispered in her ear causing a shiver to go down her spine. "Sometimes he forgets to guard it, the trick is knowing when," He smirked at her and gave her a wink.

Erin's uneasy feeling seemed to dissolve, "I'll be on the lookout."

"Ready Erin?" Steve smirked from the place mat.

"Are you?" She said stopping in front of him taking her defensive stance. She eyed his position. Bucky was right. Steve's left side was guarded but not nearly as much as right. She had an idea.

Erin made the first advance. She went for the obvious blow to his face. He blocked her of course and she managed to escape his grasp before he could trap her by twisting her arm. She continued to attack his right side, forcing him to over protect it. He seemed to always refresh his stance, reminding himself to protect his left side. But the more she attacked his right, the more Steve seemed to forget his left. She just had to be patient. She kept a close eye on his left side and at the right moment...

She twisted around quick as lightening and attacked his left side. She twisted the other way and knocked Steve on his back, her practice knife hovering above his throat, "Gotcha," She smirked looking down at him.

Steve looked up at her in disbelief then a slow smile crept over his face. Erin smirked back and stepped away from Steve allowing him to sit up and catch his breath.

Erin could hear Bucky chuckling from the side.

"You know what Buck, how about you show her how it's done?" Steve said hauling himself from the floor and walking away from Erin. He clapped Bucky on the shoulder as he passed him.

Bucky looked up and Erin shrugged. He surrendered and placed himself in front of her, taking his stance.

"Want to give me any tips this time?" She teased, readying herself.

He smirked, "Not a chance."

Erin had only seen Bucky spar with Steve and she noticed he favored his vibranium arm. She would too if she had that advantage, so she suspected he would lead off with it. She was right.

He threw his left arm at her first. He was bigger, but Erin was faster. She ducked and managed to avoid the blow. She tried to hit a blow in his abdomen but he was too quick. He grabbed her arm, forcing her to twist herself out of his grasp. She sprung up and he tried to jab her with his practice knife, she blocked both blows, but wasn't prepared for him to use her own trick against her. He dropped down and knocked Erin off of her feet. As she felt herself fall, her instincts took over and grabbed the nearest thing to try and save herself. In this instance, that thing was Bucky's arm. She felt herself land on her back and she pulled Bucky down on top of her.

Erin was momentarily stunned as Bucky froze. He stared at her for a moment, almost like he couldn't move. He wasn't putting his full weight on her, but they were chest to chest, so close she was sure Bucky could feel her wild heartbeat. His eyes flashed from her face to her lips. He swallowed hard as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down. Was he blushing?

"Eh hem." Someone coughed behind them.

Bucky suddenly realized they weren't the only two people in the room. He scrambled off of Erin and she slowly sat up, her cheeks flaming. Everyone had stopped what they were doing to watch the two of them spar. Sam stood next to Scott, both of them trying not to laugh. Clint stood next to Steve looking un-amused. When Erin looked at Wanda, she simply raised her eyebrows as if to say: _You have something you want to tell me?_

Erin looked at Bucky, "Gotcha?" She teased.

Bucky looked up at her just laughed.

*********

After their sparing session, Erin found herself sitting next to Bucky watching Steve and Wanda practice. Wanda was able to throw Steve up in the air, but Steve wanted to work on Wanda keeping him suspended for longer periods of time.

These past few weeks Wanda was just beginning to explore her powers again. She had told Erin that it had taken her a while to get back into it since they had arrived in Wakanda. 

"You aren't as light and you think, you know." Wanda said to Steve after the 3rd try. "You might want to lay off the bacon."

Steve took the joke with grace, "Or maybe you need to do more weightlifting."

Wanda only glared at him.

Erin watched the two of them. It was easy for anyone to see Steve had a soft spot for Wanda. He cared about her a lot and Erin could see Wanda felt the same. The ease of their relationship made Erin miss Jamie.

Once they had finished their exercise, Wanda and Steve began to spar. It didn't seem like much of a fair fight because of Wanda's advantage, but Steve surprisingly held his own. At least that's what Erin thought for the first two minutes of their duel.

"Wanda is going easy on him." Erin noted.

"What makes you say that?" Bucky asked.

Erin looked over at Bucky, "I've seen footage of her ripping apart robots like feathered pillows. She could kick his ass into next week. She's holding back."

"I can't say I blame her. Power like that... Some days I don't know how she handles it." He admitted.

"She was born to do it." Erin said confidently.

Silence fell over them for a few moments. Erin took the opportunity to build up her courage. She wanted to say something she had been holding in. "So, I have something for you." She looked over at him. Bucky's blue eyes were studying her. "You remember that picture I told you about? The one of you with Steve and my grandpa?"

He nodded his head, his eyes cautious. She reached into her back pocket and pulled out the old photograph her grandfather had given her, the picture of her Bucky.

She handed the picture to him and he examined it, his face unreadable, "He would want me to give it to you." She gave him a small smile.

He was silent for a long moment, studying the picture. He turned and looked at her, his face stone cold. "What the hell would I do with this?"

She looked at him confused, "You said you wanted to try and remember-"

"Yes, things that would actually help me, not remind me of everything I lost." He was close to yelling now. Bucky never raised his voice with her. Ever.

Erin noticed everyone around the room stop what they were doing to look at the two of them again. "I just thought-"

"Well don't," He hissed, "It's hard enough having _you_ around as a constant reminder of another friend I've lost." He said venom laced in his voice. He hauled himself off the ground and threw the picture back at her feet. He walked out of the training room without another word.

Erin was stunned in silence for a moment. She picked the picture up and looked at it again. The Bucky in this picture was not the person she had just seen. He was not the Bucky she knew, that was the Winter Soldier. Tears of hurt and frustration stung her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. She stood up and shoved the picture in her back pocket and looked up to find everyone staring at her.

Scott looked awkward while Sam and Wanda looked sympathetic. Clint looked like he was going to kill Bucky and Steve stared at the ground.

Erin didn't look at them as she stalked out of the room.

"Erin," Steve ran after her into the hallway, "Hey, he didn't mean that-"

"I know what he meant," She retaliated and spun around to face him. She rubbed her hand on her forehead, "He and I are more alike than I thought," She scoffed.

"You can't do that, you can't shut yourself in again."

"What choice do I have? I don't fit in anywhere, not here, not at S.H.I.E.L.D. You guys, you're a family," She gestured to the house around her.

"It's yours too-"

"I had a family and they were taken from me, by HYDRA-" She looked away and licked her lips. "It means a lot that you care," She continued and gave him a weak smile, "The world would be a dark place if you didn't." She paused and looked at the ground. "I'll fight your war, Steve and if I survive it," She looked up a flinch of pain crossed Steve's face at the word _if_. "I'm gone." She paused, "And I don't want you to come after me."

___________________________

**_"Light is easy to love_ **

**_Show me your darkness"_ **

**-R. Queen**

 


	17. Chapter 17

**"Toska (n.) an ache of the soul; a sick pining; a spiritual anguish."**

A week past and they didn't speak. Her and Bucky didn't share any words during meals, training, or when they passed one another in the hall.

"You need to keep working on his arm," Steve urged her one day during training.

She wouldn't be the first one to approach him. "If he wants his arm fixed, he knows where to find me." That was all she said before she walked out of training for the day. Steve didn't brought it up again.

Everyone else acted as if nothing had happened, but there was always tension in the air. Erin felt it and wanted to punch it apart like a brick wall.

"This is getting ridiculous," Wanda whispered to Erin after catching her look at Bucky for the 10th time that night during a team meeting.

Steve was going through possible people _D.K._ could be. He and Erin had strung together a list of doctors and scientists known to be associated with HYDRA during World War II.

Erin looked over at Wanda and whispered, "I'm not the one who lashed out like an 8 year old."

"Not talking isn't going to do anyone any good or bring us closer to figuring out who _D.K._ is." Wanda persisted.

"If he wants his arm fixed he can ask me." She replied stubbornly.

"Now who's acting like an 8 year old?"

"I don't know what you expect me to do," Erin said frustrated. She didn't need another person nagging at her to fix something she didn't break.

"I want you to think about what's best for the team. What happens if we go on a mission and Bucky's arm acts up? It could put us all in danger. Whatever this _D.K._ person wants with Bucky, it isn't going to be pretty."

"It's not like I have a magical way to fix his arm."

"Can't you just manipulate the wiring? You can still control electricity right?"

"It's not that simple." Erin whispered back, "Whoever put it together had a very specific way they wired his frames. Vibranium may be versatile, but once its bonded a certain way it's not so easily redone. I've made progress on how to replicate it with my father's research and my electric energy helps, but it's not like there's a recipe for it lying around anywhere."

"It would be nice if you could ask the scientist himself." Wanda said.

It suddenly occurred to Erin, "That's it." She whispered.

"What is?" Wanda asked.

"That's it!" Erin said louder, standing up from her seat. "Wanda you're a genius!" Steve stopped talked as everyone in the room looked over at her, even Bucky turned to her in surprise.

"Thank you?" Wanda said confused.

"You have something you want to add Erin?" Steve asked her from the front of the room.

"'I will finish what was started' that's what the note to T'Challa said right?"

"Yes?" Sam questioned.

"Then that means whoever this is, had a hand in constructing Bucky's arm, but his work was cut short."

"What makes you think that?" Steve asked, leaning against the table curiously.

"Whoever this person is also thinks of Bucky as a weapon, just like HYDRA. Bucky's arm contains several layers to it, vibranium isn't just the outer defense it's weaved throughout every aspect of it. There's a specific pattern. I think that D.K. had something to do with making that pattern but was never able to finish. The arm itself is made almost entirely of wires that are supposed to act as nerves. There is a bone line structure and then on top of that are all the wires that act as nerves. The first layer of vibranium acts as a cast to protect the wires like muscle. The second acts as the muscle itself. The outer layer acts as skin and muscle both moving and contorting to whatever form Bucky needs in the moment."

"A hybrid of metal and human," Steve said.

"Exactly," Erin nodded. "Bucky," She said turning to him, "Were you ever awake when they first worked on your arm?"

For the first time in a week, Bucky spoke to her. "I... I don't know. Maybe a few glimpses but I don't have a clear memory of anything... why?"

"If Wanda could tap into your subconscious memory, I could possibly _see_ what HYDRA did to get your arm to work in the first place and maybe figure out who _D.K._ is."

Bucky's face went white.

"And how do you expect to do that?" Sam said.

"Wanda," Erin said, "Have you ever tried... projecting your psycho analytical energy onto another person? Like connecting two subconscious at once? Like Facetime or Skype?"

Wanda stared at her blankly, "Is... that even possible?"

"I think for me it might. The brain acts as one giant body of electric nerve waves. Your gift, it's like an outlet for mental plug ins, all we would have to figure out to make you a connecting hard drive instead of a plug in, you could stream Bucky's consciousness through your energy and into me. With my electrical energy I would be like the power generator. I could contort the electrical current of the brain and see if there's anything there that I could use to help fix his arm or... any other kind of information that might be helpful." She turned to Bucky, "That is, if you're okay with it."

"Can't Wanda just look for the memory you want and report back to you?" Scott asked.

Wanda stiffened beside her.

"Wanda won't know what to look for," Erin said answering Scott, "She might get lost trying to find what I try to describe to her. This way I will know exactly what I need without hearing second hand from Wanda. Also, I'll know exactly which memory I'm looking for without raking through his mind."

           "Hold on," Steve said, "You're talking about prying Bucky's brain-"

"Do I have to be thinking of the memories?" Bucky asked quietly interrupting Steve. "Will I have to remember?"

"No," Erin said confidently, "You could just go under and Wanda will work her magic. Remembering things is like pulling a file from a hundred different cabinets and bringing it to the main table, what I plan on doing is just taking a peak at the file as it's in the drawer. It shouldn't affect you at all."

Bucky was quiet.

"Although I would understand if you said no," She said quietly, realizing what she was really asking of Bucky, of the things she was asking him to relive. "You've spent half your life having your brain poked and messed around with. I wouldn't say yes."

There was a beat a silence before Bucky said, "I'll do it... But you may not like what you find."

*********

It only took an hour for Erin to figure out how Wanda could connect Erin and Bucky. Wanda would put Bucky in a sort of sleeping trance. He would go under while Erin remained awake. Once Wanda got a hold of Bucky's mind, she would tap into Erin's own consciousness and stream it into Bucky's so Erin could find the memory she is looking for.

They were in the lab. Bucky laid on the cot while Erin sat in a chair next to him. Steve stood in front of them, nervously pasing.

"You're sure this will work?" Steve asked.

"You know I can't give you 100% yes," Erin said quietly. Steve looked at her grimly.

"Are you ready?" Wanda asked Bucky.

Bucky nodded his head at her and then turned to Erin, "I hope you find what you need." He offered her a small smile.

She smiled weakly back.

Red sparks shot from Wanda's hand and Bucky laid his head back fast asleep.

"Alright," Wanda said, "I've got him."

Erin nodded her head, "Ready."

"You can do this," Steve said putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Be careful Erin," Wanda said, "A person's mind... it's a fragile thing. Be careful of seeing something you might not want to."

Erin nodded. That last thing she saw was Wanda's hand move over her head as she fell into darkness.

*********

The first thing she felt was the cold. It was so cold everywhere. She couldn't move or think. She should have been dead.

But she wasn't.

She faded in and out, blackness and a blur. She felt someone dragging her from the cold ground.  The ground was white except for the pool of red at her side. Was that her blood? There were faces all around her, yelling in a language she didn't understand. They were dragging her somewhere. She couldn't find her voice to ask where they were going before everything faded to black once again.

The next thing she knew was a different kind of cold. This cold belonged to metal table. Something didn't feel right.

There was pain in her left shoulder, unbelievable pain. She blinked slowly but her eyes wouldn't focus. There were faces all around her. She didn't recognize any of them. Confusion blinded her as anger took over her mind. She lifted her hands from the table and her left arm felt significantly heavier.

It was made of metal. She blinked.

"Sergeant Barnes." She heard someone whisper.

Erin had entered Bucky's mind. She knew these were the memories she had been looking for, but everything that was happening to Bucky felt like it was happening to her. She tried to pull away, but she had no control.

She didn't feel a thing as she lifted the arm, Bucky's arm, and grabbed onto the nearest person. She watched the life go out of his eyes as she crushed his windpipe.

"You will be the new fist of HYDRA," The same voice said again.

The next thing she knew, she was in some sort of chamber. The next thing she saw was some kind of toxin that put her in a frozen sleep.

The memory shifted. Some part of Erin knew this wasn't real. She was aware she had entered Bucky's mind and was seeing his memories as he had lived them. But they _felt_ real. She tried to summon her electricity to control the current of the memories but she was stuck, suspended in an uncontrollable current.

She was colder than the first time she woke up, completely unaware of her surroundings. She was tired... so tired.

Erin felt Bucky's body roughly grabbed and dragged through a series of hallways. A door opened and she was forced down into a chair. Men strapped her so she couldn't move. She tried to fight, but it was no use. She looked up to see something slowly coming down towards her face. It looked like a black headband. It split into two pieces as it made contact with her head and suddenly pain exploded in her brain. She yelled out as agony struck her skull again and again. There was nothing at all except for the pain, indescribable pain. It was the kind of pain that made Erin forget her own name. She forgot her mission, who she was, everything.

Finally, relief came. The black band lifted from her brow and her mind was blank. She couldn't remember anything. She couldn't remember who she was or where she came from. The only thing that consumed her mind was this: obedience. She was waiting for orders.

"Soldat?"

Her voice didn't sound like her own, "Ya gotov otvechat'."

*********

This wasn't right. She was supposed to be looking for a way to fix Bucky's arm. She had to find who fixed his arm... She had to.

It was harder than she anticipated, but she started to gain control. She was able to shift through his memories, like files in a cabinet.

"Dr. Krav," A voice said. Erin stopped the flow of memories. This was it, the one she had been looking for. "His arm please."

Erin sat in another chair staring at the man who had been addressed as "Dr. Krav" as he worked on fixing the arm of the Winter Soldier.

Erin observed him and everything he was doing, soaking in every detail, every move, so she could remember and replicate it. He reached for a bottle of...

 _Palladium?_ She thought. _That was the secret?_ Erin kept watching Dr. Krav construct the arm. When he was done she hoped it would be enough to fix Bucky now.

"Well done Dr. Krav, we look forward to working with you." Another voice said.

That was it. She was done. She had all the information she needed. She tried to pull away from Bucky's mind, but another memory took over.

 _No._ She thought.

A man stood before her. He spoke to her in Russian, but she still knew what he was saying. "Two hits. Peter and Mila Hitzig. I want a report in 13 hours."

She heard Bucky reply, "Understood."

 _No!_ She tried desperately to pull away, to bring herself back to reality, but like a river current, the memories swept her away pulling her down, down, down, until she was nowhere near the surface.

*********

It was cold again. Up on a rooftop of an unfamiliar building the wind beat hard against her back.

Erin crouched down and looked through the gun scope on her Barrett M82A1M. Through a window of their home, she saw two people sitting at a table sharing a bottle of wine. Slowly, she moved her finger, feeling the tip of the trigger.

 _No._ She thought. _This is wrong._

A wave of pain struck through her head, reminding her that this was a mission, nothing else mattered but completing the mission.

She waited for the man to stand in front of his wife. No need to waste bullets.

The man finally stood up, lining his head right next to the woman's. She pulled the trigger and the man and woman dropped to the floor. Two birds with one stone.

Then Erin realized what was happening. She had just felt his first kill.

*********

One by one, memories of death appeared in her eyes, each kill more brutal than the last. The years played out in her head. Mission. Report. Cryo sleep. Mission. Report. Cryo sleep. It was a never-ending cycle. Each time she woke up, she had a hard time remembering who she was and what she was doing.

Again and again she tried to pull away, to go back to the lab room in Wakanda, but the kills kept playing in her mind like a movie, a horrible, terrifying movie.

*********

She was on a bridge, fighting with another man. He was good, quickly dodging all of her moves. He had a shield, the only thing that was saving his life. She dodged an attacked and rolled over, the mask on her face falling off in the process.

"Bucky?" The man on the bridge questioned.

She replied back, "Who the hell is Bucky?"

****

She sat in another unknown room, staring into nothing. Memories flashed before her eyes. A train. A table. A foreign metal arm. A sleep chamber. The memories made her angry. Who was he?

A man in the room tried to touch her arm, but Bucky's metal arm shoved him away, slamming him into the nearest wall.

She heard a voice from the hallway, "Sir, he's unstable."

A man walked into the room and appeared before her. Erin recognized him. He was the head of S.H.I.E.L.D. Mr. Alexander Pierce. "Mission report." He said. She said nothing back, only continued to stare off into nothing. "Mission report, now." He said again.

Once again she didn't reply.

Suddenly, a hand connected to her cheek, pain shot through her face almost knocking her out of the chair.

"Mission report." Pierce said again.

"That man on the bridge," She said, though it was Bucky's voice who she heard, "Who was he?"

Pierce paused pursing his lips, "You met him earlier this week, on another assignment."

Another memory flashing into her mind. "I knew him." She heard Bucky say looking up at the man who had struck him.

Pierce pulled up a stool and sat in front of Bucky, "Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped the century and I need you to do it one more time. Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning we're going to give it a push..."

Erin starred at the floor through Bucky's eyes and didn't listen to the rest of what Pierce had to say. When he heard his voice stop, Bucky said quietly, "But I knew him."

Pierce pursed his lips and stood up from the stool. "Prep him," He said to a man in a lab coat.

"But, sir, he's been out of cryo freeze too long-" The man in the coat said.

"Then wipe him and start over."

The man is the coat hesitated for a moment but obeyed. He nodded at two men on either side of Bucky. Erin felt them shove Bucky's shoulder down back into the chair.

She felt her mouth open, willingly accepting the mouthpiece so that she wouldn't bite her tongue off from the pain she knew was coming. The black band slowly came down and separated into two pieces, each one wrapping around her face. Erin yelled out, the pain threatening to tear her apart.

__________________________________________________

**_"The darkest place I've ever seen was inside me_ **

**_and nothing scared me more."_ **

**-Unknown**

 


	18. Chapter 18

**"Verklemp (adj.) completely overcome with emotion."**

Erin gasped awake. She was back in the lab at the safe house. She was back in Wakanda. Though her eyes were clouded with unshed tears, she saw Steve and Wanda looking at her. Bucky was still asleep in the chair.

            "Did you-?" She asked looking at Wanda.

            "Only a glimpse," She whispered.

Tears escaped down Erin's cheeks as she struggled to control her breathing. She gasped for air again, but it felt useless. She put her head down in her hands trying to calm herself, but the memories kept flashing in front of her eyes.

            "What happened?" Steve asked, concerned. He knelt beside her putting a hand on her back, trying to comfort her.

            Erin didn't say a word. She looked up from her hands at Bucky's sleeping face. He looked harmless in this moment. Nothing was there to suggest he was the most feared assassin of the century; no proof that his own mind had been taken from him. Someone else's hands had assaulted his thoughts, memories, and tampered with his emotions. The thought made her want to punch her fist through a wall and make the people responsible pay.

            "Erin?" Steve asked again, looking at her hands.

The lights in the lab were flickering. She hadn't realized she had clutched her hands together so tightly that it hurt when she opened them. When she released the tension, the lights remained on.

            She looked from Bucky to Steve and Wanda. Both of their faces were a mixture of confusion and concern.

The room was too small. She needed to get out of there. She bolted up from her seat and walked out of the room.

            "Erin!" Steve called after her.

            "No," She heard Wanda say, "Let her go."

            Erin slammed the door shut behind her. She walked through the maze of hallways until she found a room in a part of the house she didn't go often. She thought about what she had just seen. Every memory played in her mind, pressing her closer and closer to suffocation. She tried to calm down, tried willing the tears away, but nothing worked. She put her hand over her mouth suppressing the sobs that racked her chest.

            The memories kept flashing before her eyes, one by one like a punch to a bag. Bucky had never done anything to deserve his fate. All he had wanted was to protect Steve and serve his country.

            She screamed into her hand in frustration. Uncontrollable tears started to roll down her face. She couldn't erase the memories that weren't hers, memories that would now haunt her.

            Tragedy seemed to enjoy keeping her company.

*********

Erin leaned against the railing that kept her from falling over the balcony edge. She looked into the night sky. Stars glittered across the black night canvas and she let her mind wander. The moon was bright in the Wakanda sky and Erin imagined for a moment what it would be like to be weightless. She imaged herself floating into the vastness of the sky, forever exploring the stars. She would give each one a name and leave behind all the pain that tethered her to the ground.

The sound of the door behind her sliding shut made Erin come crashing down back to the earth. She turned around the see Wanda walking towards her with two mugs and a bar of chocolate floating next to her covered in red mist.

            "Perks of my ability," She joked, "Now I never get to complain about needing a third hand." She smiled joining Erin at the railing, "Hot chocolate?" Wanda offered with her hand making it float towards Erin.

            Erin smiled weakly and took the mug from Wanda, "Thank you," She said quietly and looked back up at the sky.

            From the corner of her eye she could see Wanda studying her, "Do you want to talk about it?"

            Erin looked blankly ahead of her, "What happened... while we were out what happened?"

            Wanda held the cup close to her face, "The lights flickered a lot and Steve paced nervously. That was about all."

"What did you see?" Erin asked quietly.

            "Very little," Wanda replied, "Images mostly, I saw what he saw when he first woke up, I saw him go to sleep, and I felt... cold. It was a coldness I couldn't seem to shake."

Erin looked at her. There was kindness is Wanda's green speckled brown eyes, but also sympathy. Erin had been given a sympathetic look one too many times in her life.

"I imagine what I got was the trailer and you received the whole movie." Wanda continued.

            "It was like a nightmare," Erin whispered, "My mind was aware, but... I couldn't control my own body. The things I saw..." Erin shook her head, "I never should have suggested it. I had no right to see those things." She paused, "Is he awake?"

            Wanda took a sip of coco and nodded her head, "Yes, he woke up shortly after you left. He wanted to see you, but Steve told him to give you space."

            "How am I going to explain this to him?" Erin felt frustrated tears sting her still sore eyes.

            Wanda thought for a moment, "This could turn into a good thing."

            "What do you mean?"

            "No one really understood what it was he went through, mostly because he couldn't explain it. Now, he has someone who has a little taste. Maybe this will help him not feel so alone."

            "Of course, because nothing spells friendship better than sharing terrible memories," Erin took a sip from her mug.

Wanda chuckled. She looked thoughtful for a moment, "Pietro would have liked you," Wanda said with a half grin.

            _Pietro._ Wanda's twin brother. She didn't talk about him much, but then again Erin had never really asked. Now that Erin thought about it, there was a lot about Wanda she didn't know that she should. She suddenly felt very selfish and an awful feeling settled in the pit of her stomach. "I saw what happened in Sokovia," Erin said, "You must miss him."

            Wanda had a sad look in her eyes, "I think of him everyday, how different things would be if he were here. I think about how happy he would have been and all he could have done to help us. I wonder what he would think of me now..."

            "Pietro would be proud of you. You're using your gift for something good, standing for what you think is right." She offered Wanda a smile.

            "I'd like to think that," She half returned Erin's smile. "You know something of losing a brother as well. I'm sure he would feel the same."

            Erin's face fell, "All I've done is drop out of college and run from my problems. Now this..." She turned her hand over as if the electric spark in her veins was visible." James wouldn't know what to think of me."

            "Then make him proud," Wanda said. Erin looked at her. "Act in a way that's worthy of his memory. It's the only way I can manage the hole in my heart where Pietro lived."

            Erin looked once more up at the night sky. Each star shined and for a moment, she let herself believe they were all people she had lost. Each one represented her father, brother, grandfather, mother, Pietro, and the other countless people who had been lost in this war. She silently promised each one that she would not waste anymore of what she had been given.

*********

That night, despite all the horrible things she had just witnessed in Bucky's mind, it was what he had said to her a few days ago that kept her awake. _It's hard enough having_ you _as a constant reminder of another friend I lost._

That had never been Erin's intention. She had never considered what she was to Bucky or realized that revealing her grandfather, Matthew, as Bucky's friend would affect him so much.

Erin tossed and turned in her bed, just like the thoughts in her mind that kept her from sleep.

            What she really hated herself for was letting her guard down. Her mouth tended to act like a river when that happened. She had gotten so comfortable talking to Bucky, she didn't even think about how he would react to the picture.

            She was an idiot and the whole team got to witness it.

            She turned on her light and shoved her covers off. Opening the door to the hall, she half expected Bucky to be sitting there like he had a few weeks ago.

            He wasn't.

            She stalked down the hallway, barefoot in her pajama shorts and oversized shirt until she came to the piano room door.

            She opened it and was greeted by her grand piano and a full view of the moon through the glass windows. She turned on a lamp and walked towards the instrument.

Erin sat on the bench, touched the keys, and tried to play away her sorrows.

She tried playing several songs, but her heart wasn't in it. After a few tries, she gave up and sat in front of the keys and stared out at the night darkness. The moon was full and bright in the sky. It looked inviting to Erin like she could simply jump high enough she could soar through space and visit it.

"Erin?" A voice came from the doorway.

Erin was suddenly jerked from her thoughts and turned around to find Bucky standing in the doorway. He looked pained, like he was a dam holding back a thousand tons of water.

Erin thought of the man who fell from the train. She thought of the soldier they had turned him into and she couldn't look at him. She looked at him for a moment then returned her attention to the piano keys. She began to play a soft melody to distract from his presence in the room.

She didn't hear him make a sound as he walked over to her and sat next to her on the piano bench. She didn't look at him. She couldn't.

"He was my bunk mate," Bucky said quietly, "Matthew, your grandpa, I remember. He was my closest friend apart from Steve. We would stay up talking. I would tell him about my life in Brooklyn and he told me all about his girl back home-"

"Why are you telling me this?" Erin stopped playing and turned to him frustrated, "If the memory brings you so much pain, how can you even stand to look at me right now?"

Of all the things to talk to him about, she wasn't sure why she chose the topic she had been angry about. Bucky said nothing, but didn't look away.

She continued playing the keys while she spoke. "I really don't understand it because one moment you talk to me like- like I'm your best friend and then the next... you throw everything back in my face."

He didn't answer for a few moments, letting the sound of her playing be the only thing between them. "I lied to you, you know." He said quietly.

            "What do you mean?" She asked, frustrated and stopped playing once again.

            "I don't wander the halls because it calms me." He paused, waiting for her to react, "I sit outside your door because it helps me."

Erin gave him a confused look. "I don't..."

            "It helps me sleep," He whispered.

            "What does?" She whispered back.

            "Knowing you're safe, that there's only a wall between us. Making sure I'm here and if anything were to come and hurt you, it would have to go through me."

            Erin looked at him confused, "Please don't protect me out of pity," She stood up from the bench, "Just because you feel like you need to keep me safe because you think you owe something to my grandfather."

            He looked at her confused and almost hurt. Erin couldn't be sure. "I'm not doing it for him." Bucky stood up from the piano bench and walked a few feet away from her. "Im not that selfless." He half grinned at her.

            "Then why?" Erin asked now getting up from her spot on the bench to face him.

            Bucky looked at her, his eyes softening. "Do you really not know?"

            "Know _what_?" She said more frustrated than ever, "Am I missing something?"

Bucky looked away for a moment. "After Steve rescued us from HYDRA, the first thing Matty said was 'Well that will be a story to tell the grandkids.'" Bucky softly laughed, "I never thought I would get to actually meet one of his grandchildren, much less..."

Erin's stomach did a summersault, "Much less what?"

"I didn't expect to feel the way I do... in an appropriate context." He chuckled a little nervously.

"And how do you feel?" She asked quietly.

He was silent for a moment as he stared out the window. "I'm not sure how to describe it," He said walking slowly towards her. He came toe to toe with her and looked her in the eye. "I care about you," His voice dropped into a low whisper, "The only thing I can think about is keeping you safe."

"You're a soldier," Erin said quietly, though in her mind she felt like screaming as it raced a million miles an hour. "It's what comes natural to you. You would do the same for everyone on the team."

"It's not like this with Sam, Wanda, or even Steve," He paused, "When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I want to do is see your face. All those weeks, when you worked on putting my arm back together and we didn't talk, it was because I cared what you would think of the things I had to say."

Erin's heart felt tight in her chest as he echoed the feelings she had kept hidden away for weeks without even realizing it. She didn't want to let herself believe what Bucky was saying, or the things that were implied as he said them. She couldn't let herself have hope for something like this. It wasn't possible... was it?

            "I don't know if this is right or if I'm an idiot for saying these things right now. We're on the brink of war and nothing makes sense, but... I just wanted you to know I wish I had said the thoughts that had been running thought my head all those weeks. I wish I could tell you now." He paused, raking a hand through his dark hair. "When you gave me that picture, it... it made me realize... I don't know how to say this."

            "Bucky, you're really frustrating me right now-"

            "I have feelings for you."

            Everything in Erin's brain flew out the window. "What?"

            "I... I don't know. All I know is that I for a long time I couldn't feel anything, but when I'm with you... I feel... I don't know _something._ Which is more than I've felt in a really long time." He took another cautious step towards her.

Erin couldn't move. The closer he was to her, the further she was pulled into his gravity. "When we woke up that morning... You had this look on your face. Will you tell me what you were thinking then?"

            "I..." He tried to gather his thoughts, "For a moment before I woke up, I felt... like me again. For a moment I was Bucky Barnes, the guy from Brooklyn, waking up next to a woman I- I care about. I felt... _happy._ "

            "You ran out of the room because you were happy?"

            "No, I-" He paused running a hand over his face. "You really believe after everything I've done, I deserve to be _happy_?"

A sudden anger burned in Erin. She was tired of him torturing himself like this. "You think I'm perfect? You think the things I've done don't haunt me?" Erin said.

            "It's not the same-"

"Bullshit it's not! Maybe you should stop treating yourself like something that needs to be fixed!" She yelled, the words were like water pouring out of a dam she had held back for too long. After a moment, she softened her voice, "It's not about your demons, it's how you choose to fight them."

            He just looked at her.

            She wasn't sure if she should have said what she did next, all she knew is that she had wanted to scream it in his face since the moment they met. "It wasn't your fault-"

            " _Don't,_ " He hissed, shoving his pointer finger in her face. She didn't back away from him. She stood her ground.  "You will _never_ understand," He said taking a few steps back from her, each one feeling more like a cavern than a step. He didn't stop until his back hit the wall. His eyes looked hollow, like he had seen everything the world had to offer but it turned out to be nothing. "No one will." He lowered his voice and hung his head in defeat.

            "Yes, I do." She said taking a few steps towards him now.

            He said nothing.

            "Did you... feel anything when Wanda connected us? Do you remember anything?" She asked.

            Bucky shook his head, "One minute I was awake and you were sitting in front of me, then the next... You were gone."

            Erin looked down, "I saw everything." She said softly.

            She looked up at Bucky. Horror was written all over his face.

            "I- When I was looking for that memory, I lost control," She admitted quietly, "I thought I could control what I saw, but I was wrong. Bucky I'm so sorry. I didn't mean..."

            The look on his face told Erin that he knew what she had seen. Tears shined in his eyes, "So now you really know how they made the monster."

            It nearly tore her apart. Tears sprang in her eyes. "I'm looking at you right now and there's not one thing that I see about you that I would consider a monster. Nothing can erase what happen to you all those years. Those things, they were unforgivable, but they _happened._ They made you different, but you are nothing like a monster. The real monsters are the ones that did that to you," She paused, "You can't change what happened, anymore than I can change what happened to me. But it's up to us who we can be from here on out."

He looked at her like it was the first time he'd heard those words. For the first time, he was trying accepting the fact that he was no longer James Buchanan Barnes from Brooklyn. He was someone else entirely.

"Will you tell me?" She asked softly, taking another step closer to him.

He was silent for a long time before he finally spoke, "It was like... being in a dream," He said softly, pushing himself from the wall and taking a step towards her. "Except everything I did... every person I killed. It all actually happened. When I woke up..." He didn't finish his thought. "They broke my mind, bending it to their will. I wasn't even me anymore... I was nothing more than a weapon." He whispered. "They say no one can take away your thoughts, your beliefs... Do you have any idea what it's like to have your mind taken from you?"

            Erin shook her head, another tear spilling down her cheek.

            "Sometimes, I just want to jump out of my own head and be somewhere else." He admitted.

            She walked closer to him and took his metal hand. He looked down her fingers touching his vibranium ones. When he looked up she asked him a question with her eyes. _Is this okay?_

            He simply nodded his head. She pulled him from the wall and led him back over to the piano. She sat down on the bench and gestured for him to sit next to her. He looked at her curiously.

            "Will you do exactly as I tell you?"

            "Anything," He whispered back. It sent chills down Erin's spine.

            "Close your eyes," She commanded. He looked at her skeptically but obeyed, "Now picture yourself in your favorite place. It can be the middle of nowhere, nothing but grass, trees, and mountains surrounding you. Picture that and just breathe."

            He kept his eyes shut as she began to play. Key by key, note by note, she played for him. She played the sweetest thing she could think of, a lullaby from her childhood. Her grandfather would hum it to her as a little girl and later taught her the melody on the piano. She played it for Bucky, hoping that it would keep him transported to this small sanctuary he created in his mind. If she could offer him this little bit of peace, she would be satisfied.

            When she finished he kept his eyes closed for another minute. Two trails of tears were visible on his face. The look he had was peaceful and Erin hoped she achieved what she had hoped.

            He opened his eyes and looked at her. This was Bucky, her Bucky that looked at her like she was the only star in a night sky.

Gently, he took her face in his hands and placed a kiss on her temple. Then he rested his forehead against Erin's. For the first time in many years, Erin felt at home.

___________________________________________________________

**"She was never afraid of his darkness or the demons that danced in his eyes.**

**He thought no one could ever love him if he revealed what lurked inside.**

**He always knew he was different, how could anyone ever understand?**

**But she was never afraid of his darkness or the beast within the man..."**

**-Unknown**

 


	19. Chapter 19

**"Forelsket (n.) the euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love."**

Erin and Bucky walked into the kitchen for breakfast together the next morning. Their fingers brushed as they walked towards the kitchen and Bucky gently gave her hand a squeeze. She looked over at him to find him smiling at her. She couldn't help but smile back. Erin felt like she was breathing new air and a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Nothing could surprise her today, not with Bucky by her side.

That was what she thought, until she walked into the kitchen. She stopped in her tracks to find Nick Fury sitting at the table, deep conversation with Steve.

The whole team was there. Sam sat back and eyed Fury skeptically. Scott looked mildly confused and Wanda's expression was as unreadable as Natasha's, who was back sitting next to Clint, looking like she was the only thing keeping him from flying across the table and sticking an arrow in Fury's one good eye.

"Well I'll be damned," Fury said standing up from the table when he saw Erin and Bucky walk in, "I wasn't sure I believed him when Rogers said he had adopted a McCall."

"Fury," She said back, bitterness in her voice, "Aren't you suppose to be dead? That's why you couldn't bother coming to my father and brother's funeral right?"

Fury looked away.

Bucky put a steady hand on Erin's back, letting her know he was there. Slowly, Erin's blinds of anger disappeared and she was able to think straight again. "What are you doing here?"

"I brought him," Natasha confessed, "We've been stuck for too long. I thought he could get us out."

"Believe it or not," Fury said looking back at her, "I'm here to help."

Erin directed her gaze at Steve and he nodded confirming what Fury said.

"I've heard something about a mad scientist running around? Cap filled me in on what's happened since they picked you up in Romania." Fury said.

"We haven't had a chance to talk about what happened..." Steve said referring to Erin's journey through Bucky's memories. "Did you see anything at all that could help us?" Steve asked, directing the question at Erin.

Erin swallowed and looked at Steve. Over his shoulder in the middle of the table, someone had put a vase of flowers there. A memory triggered in Erin's mind. "I know who _D.K._ is, and I think I've met him before."

*********

"Dr. Krav?" Steve questioned after Erin explained how she connected _D.K._ to the memory of the man she had seen yesterday.

Erin nodded her head, "It was the only name I heard. I saw the work he did on Bucky's arm and know how to replicate it."

"What makes you think you've met him before?" Bucky asked.

Erin took a breath. She had never told anyone what happened after her grandfather's funeral. "When my grandfather died, I was sent flowers. There was a card signed _D.K._ Whoever they are must have known my family. The note said 'Deepest condolences D.K.'. The same flowers were sent after my father and brother's funeral. I must have come into contact with them sometime in my life, maybe even on a consistent basis."

"Are you sure it's the same person?" Sam asked, "I mean lots of people send flowers when family members die. You probably received more condolences from people you've never met than people you have."

"That's what I thought, but these weren't sent to my family, they were sent to me specifically. I found them in my room after the funeral and my mom didn't put them there or tell me anyone put them in my room. I've been sent the exact same arrangement three different times. Once after my grandfather's, again after Dad and James's," She looked at Clint and Wanda, "And the same arrangement was waiting for me before I left Romania with you all."

"It's true," Wanda said, "Clint and I saw them ourselves."

"The card on that arrangement said something different though. It said a date: 4.15.2014." Erin said.

"The day I revealed HYDRA." Steve said.

Erin nodded, "The anniversary of their deaths."

"But how could it be the same person? Dr. Krav has to be at least 100 years old by now." Scott said.

"I don't know." Erin admitted.

"Well, now that we have a name, the real question is what does he want with the Winter Soldier?" Natasha asked.

"And why did he make it so easy for us to take him away?" Clint echoed.

Erin stood there and thought as the others discussed amongst themselves, "What if they wanted us to find Bucky?"

They all went silent and looked at her.

"What if the Winter Soldier wasn't the endgame?" She looked from Bucky to Steve, "Dr. Krav strived to be like the Red Skull, right? Well, what exactly was the Red Skull's goal?"

"He wanted to tesseract, to create weapons." Steve said.

"Well this guy has to know that the tesseract is no longer in this realm, there's no way he's going to get it. So what else did the Red Skull want?"

Realization passed through Steve's eyes.

"Am I missing something?" Natasha asked.

"The Red Skull wanted me too." Steve said, echoing Erin's thoughts.

"Steve I don't mean this the way it sounds but anyone with a computer knows that the fastest way to get to Steve Rogers... is Bucky Barnes." She looked over at Bucky apologetically, but he wasn't looking at her.

"So how to we find this son of a bitch?" Fury asked.

"Easy," Erin replied, "He never left that warehouse."

*********

The next few days were spent planning and strategizing. They didn't want to ambush the warehouse because whoever Dr. Krav is would likely see them coming, but they also didn't want to go in over their heads.

Erin continued working on Bucky's arm. Repairs on it were nearly complete thanks to the things she had seen from Bucky's memory, but there was still something missing... Erin just couldn't quite put her finger on it. A lot of the time she would work all afternoon and into the night, but Bucky didn't seem to mind. It gave them time to talk and Erin enjoyed picking apart his brain, seeing what thoughts he had been holding in for so many years. They talked about new scientific discoveries and every conversation seemed to bring up a whole new list of books Erin told him to read.

"What's your favorite book?" Bucky asked three days after Fury had shown up. They were in the lab again and Erin had done all she could for Bucky's arm for the moment, but she just wanted to do some fine tuning to be sure.

Erin acted like she had just been stabbed in the heart, "How could you ask me such a question?"

Bucky let out a laugh, "It's a common question?"

Erin pondered for a moment, "I'm not sure if I have one. I love too many to pick just one." She paused, "Although, there's this book called Perks of Being a Wallflower and there's a line from it that I think about a lot," She looked up and Bucky was studying her. There was something in his eyes that looked like a slight smile. Erin's heart started to beat faster.

"What it is?" He asked quietly, leaning closer to Erin from his chair.

Erin swallowed, "The line is, 'We accept the love, we think we think we deserve'."

"Do you believe that?" Bucky whispered leaning closer. If Erin moved an inch their lips would touch. She wasn't sure if she remembered how to breath.

"I do," She whispered back.

"Do you think I could deserve..." He flashed his eyes to her lips.

"What?"

And then he answered her question by kissing her.

Kissing Bucky was liked drinking water Erin didn't know she needed. The feeling of his lips on hers sent electricity through her veins Erin had never felt before. Bucky brought up his human hand and placed it on the side of Erin's face, pulling her closer. She wanted him closer, closer, closer.

She stood up from her chair without breaking away her lips from Bucky and swung her leg around the lab chair he was sitting in. He wrapped his metal arm around Erin's back. She placed her hands on his hard chest, reveling in the warmth of his skin.

This was so different from the sparks she was used to feeling in robotics and wires, this was real man made electricity running between the two of them. This wasn't something that could be made by hand or with a computer, this was the result of two souls colliding, putting all the electric energy on the earth to shame.

Bucky pulled away first, only far enough away to rest their brows together.

Erin kept her eyes closed, focusing on steadying her breathing, "My grandfather always said you were a lady's man, but..." She couldn't finish only chuckle.

"Not bad for a couple years without practice?" Bucky winked at her, not taking his hands off her waist.

"A couple?" She chuckled again, "How long has it been? Since 1945?"

"Something like that," He teased, "Seems like it hasn't been a while for you either."

Erin didn't know her face could get hotter than it already was, "Come on," She said getting of of the chair. Bucky reluctantly let her go, "We have a team meeting to get to."

______________________________________________________________

**_"Her heart sank into her shoes as she realized at last how much she wanted him._ **

_**No matter what his past was, no matter what he had done.** _

**_Which was not to say that she would ever let him know,_ **

**_but only that he moved her chemically more than anyone she had ever met,_ **

**_that all other men seemed pale beside him."_ **

**-F. Scott Fitzgerald**

 


	20. Chapter 20

**"Nebulous (adj.) not clear; difficult to see."**

_"Jamie, did grandpa ever shown you his trick?" 17-year-old Erin asked her brother James._

_It had been a week since her grandfather's funeral and she had done nothing but think of him since. It hadn't helped that her family had to go through all the belongings in his house. There had been pictures of family, his collection of comic books, and all of his old research papers and theories. They were all stored neatly in his basement._

_"What trick?" James asked flipping through the TV channels on his couch. James had moved into his own place in D.C. once he graduated and started working with their dad for S.H.I.E.L.D. Erin often took the metro train to escape from the house when she needed . James had always been there for her, ever since they were kids._

_"The one with the lights." Erin recalled the memory._

_********* _

_Her grandfather would stand at one end of the hall in his house and make Erin stand by the main switched._

Okay, Erin. _Her grandfather would say,_ Are you ready?

            _Seven-year-old Erin would nod her head eagerly in anticipation. This was her favorite trick. The single light in the hallway turned off then on. Off, on, off, on, off, on they would flicker until Erin giggled with glee._

How do you do that grandpa? _She would asked him, running into his arms._ How do you make the lights turn off without touching the switch?

            I hope one day I can show you, Erin. Maybe even one day you'll be able to do it yourself. _He would say._

Really? _Erin asked excitedly._

One day, when you're ready, I'll show you how.

            I can't wait! _Erin wrapped her arms tightly around her grandfather's neck, not yet knowing that the day he talked about would never come._

_********* _

_"No, he never showed me that one, I was only interested in his comic collection." James laughed sadly._

_"He promised he would show me someday..." Erin trailed off. "There are so many things I want to know... should have asked him..." Erin studied the threads of the pillow she was clutching, tears threatening to spill from her eyes._

_"Hey," James said turning towards her, "Don't regret what you can't help. Remember everything he did say. He taught us to be brave, selfless, kind. He taught us to be everything he was. If we do that he'll never really be gone." James smiled at her and reached towards Erin's face. He gently wiped away a tear that had escaped down her face._

_"What if I can't be those things? What if I can't be brave?" Erin asked quietly._

_"You can't, not be something you already are." James gave her another smile and pulled her into one of his hugs. James's hugs were special. They had the ability to make Erin feel safe, like as long as her brother's arms were around her, nothing could harm her. For a while they sat there, embracing one another and for a moment, Erin allowed herself to let her walls down and feel safe._

_********* _

"So I hear you can do an electric trick," Nick Fury said.

            "Something like that," Erin replied, her arms crossed over her chest..

            "How'd that happened?" He asked.

            "You said it was hereditary," Steve entered the conversation, "What did you mean by that?"

            Erin paused before answering, casting a glance at Bucky who was sitting at the table next her. "My grandpa was experimented on with the infantry captured by HYDRA in 1943. The same people who experimented on Bucky did something like that to him too. Whatever they did to him..." She lifted her hand and felt for the kitchen lights and made them flicker, "Resulted in this."

            "So that explains his genius," Fury said, "He literally could feel how wires in the robots operated."

            Erin nodded her head, "Whatever this is skipped a generation, my dad didn't have it."

            "Did your grandpa ever tell you?"

            "When I was little I think... I was so young, I thought it was magic. I think he slowly became weaker over time."

            "Did he teach you how to control it?" Wanda asked.

            Erin shook her head. "The trait didn't reveal itself to me until shortly after my mom died."

            "So you've figured it out on your own?" Fury asked.

            "I don't know. Sometimes it feels like I have control and other times..." Erin trailed off. "What's the plan for tomorrow?" She asked trying to change the subject. They had all agreed what day they thought would be best to infiltrate the warehouse and this meeting was suppose to finalize details.

            "The goal of the mission is to find Krav, get answers, and get out. Whatever threat he poses we'll deal with another day," Steve said, "Erin, you'll knock out as much of the power to the warehouse as you can," He continued, "Natasha and Clint will come in the from the east, Scott and Sam from the north, Wanda and I from the west, and you and Fury from the south."

            "What about Bucky?" Erin asked.

            Bucky looked at her and paused, "I'm the bait."

The thought of Bucky in danger sent a pain in her chest. "No." Erin quickly protested.

            "How else do you plan on drawing out Krav?" Natasha asked.

            "When did we discuss this? Why am I just now hearing about this part of the plan?" She looked around the table, "Wanda?" Wanda hung her head low. She turned to face Bucky. "Why didn't you talk to me?" It hurt that he hadn't said anything, that none of them had even suggested it to her before making a decision.

           Bucky met her gaze, "If Krav is after me, then I'm more than willing to sit and chat."

"He won't hurt Bucky," Steve said, "I know guys like him, he won't threaten anyone until things don't go his way."

           "And what if he's not like these other 'guys' you know?" Erin asked. She felt betrayed. Why hadn't anyone told her?

            "It's a good plan, Erin." Bucky said, trying to calm her.

            "And the only one we've got." Sam said,

           "I'll be fine," Bucky tried to give her a reassuring smile.

            She didn't believe him for one second.

*********

"You can't let him do this," Erin said following Steve out of the meeting as soon as everyone went to their rooms for the night, "You can't be okay with it."

            "I told him he didn't have to but..." Steve hesitated. "You said so yourself, the fastest way to get to me is through Bucky," Steve said.

"So you want to use Bucky as _bait_?" She asked horrified. "Since when have you ever resulted to sacrificing one of your friends to achieve a goal?"

            "Erin, just trust me-" Steve tried to argue.

            Erin let out a dry laugh, "Trust? You know, that's very arrogant, expecting people to _trust_ you all the damn time."

            " _Trust_ is the only way we all make it out of this alive."

            "You talk about it like it's the most natural thing in the world, well guess what, Cap. _I._ _Don't. Trust you_." A look of hurt flashed in Steve's eyes, but it only fueled her anger. "You expect everyone to just follow you because you're Captain America. You really believe you represent what's good, right, and honorable?"

            "I know my duty-"

            "Really? Is that what you told yourself when you busted all those people in the other room out of prison? A prison guarded by the country you're named for? A country you have a _duty_ to?"

            Steve starred daggers into her. She could see a storm brewing behind his blue yes.

She gave daggers right back, "You think you stand for justice, but you don't know anything about it. You call what happened to S.H.I.E.L.D., my father and brother, my family, _justice_?"

"You think you know so much?" Steve met her chest to chest, "You're a _child._ You have no idea, the things that I have seen. I have ripped up everything I loved trying to do what I believe to be right. I tore the Avengers apart. I've made mistakes and you don't think I live with the choices I've made every single day? You think there's an hour that goes by that I don't regret any of the things I've done?" Steve was near yelling now, but Erin stood her ground. 

            When Erin didn't reply, Steve softened his face, "I can't make you trust me," He said quieter, "But we need you. _Bucky_ needs you."

            _Bucky_. Steve knew just what to say to get her to back down. She had one last punch to throw. "Just do me a favor, Steve," She said, venom seeping through her words, "You can act as high and mighty as you want, but don't think for a second that you make the decisions you do for anyone but yourself."

            Steve's eyes fell to the floor. Erin brushed past him down a hall she hoped would lead away from her shame.

_____________________________________________

_**"I can't help but want oceans to part** _

**_Because I'm overcome in this war of hearts"_ **

**-Ruella, War of Hearts**

 


	21. Chapter 21

**"Naz (n.) the pride that comes from knowing you are loved no matter what you do"**

Erin couldn't sleep. Her conversation with Steve kept ringing in her ears like a church bell.

 _You're a_ child. _You have no idea... the things I have seen.... We need you.... Bucky needs you._

Over and over the words shoved against her brain like waves on sand.

She still couldn't bring herself to believe she had said those things to him, a man she had grown up admiring. _You think you stand for justice, but you don't know the first thing about it._

Erin heard a soft tap on her bedroom door. She thought about pretending to be asleep, but maybe it was Wanda. She always knew what to say to make Erin feel more at ease.

She shoved the covers off of her and walked towards the door. She opened it to find Bucky standing outside. No matter how many times she looked at him and knew his face, his blue eyes still took her breath away.

"Can I come in?" He asked softly.

Erin nodded and stepped aside.

They sat on her bed like they had a few nights ago. Except this time, they were closer, and more comfortable with each other, like they figured out that they seemed to fit.

"I talked to Steve," Bucky said.

Erin instantly looked down, ashamed. "Did he tell you all the awful things I said to him?"

"He told me you said some... strong things." Bucky didn't seem mad or disappointed, but Erin still had trouble reading his emotions, "Hey," He said making her look at him, "Want to tell me what it was really about?"

Erin hesitated. Telling him what was on her mind... she wasn't sure she was ready. Once she put it out there, it would make it real, a tangible weakness and it scared the hell out of her. So she did what she did best, she dodged the question with another question, "You want to tell me why you decided to be a sitting duck?"

"It's the fastest way-"

"Oh bullshit!" Erin said getting up from the bed. She began pacing around her room. She came to a stop in front of Bucky who was now sitting at the edge of her bed, his hands folded together as if he were trying to decide something. "I want to know why you so recklessly want to put yourself in harms way? After everything that's been done to save you, you want to risk your neck again?"

"It's not like that," Bucky said standing up from the bed. He stood towering over Erin like he always did. Damn him. "If we want this over fast, it's the only option we have. Everyone else...I'm the logical choice."

 _Oh_. She thought. Now she understood. "So that's it?" She said mockingly, "You want to sacrifice yourself because you think you aren't worth it?"

"I'm expendable-"

"Not to me you're not! Don't you get that?" There it was, the truth she had tried to hide was out in the open. "And I'm sure as hell you aren't to Steve either," She added quietly.

He didn't say anything, but he had a sad look in his eye. Erin knew that look only came when he vanished to a far off planet she could never reach. She wasn't sure she ever would.

"I don't want you to do this," She begged quietly.

Bucky got up and walked closer to her. He put his hand under her chin, forcing her to look at him and gave her a small reassuring smile, "I trust Steve. We have a plan."

"I know, but I..." She knew there was no point in arguing with him about this. She looked away. "Why are we doing this?" Erin asked quietly, "After all of the shit that's happened, why do we keep fighting?"

"We fight for what we believe in." Bucky said steadily.

"After all this... I'm not sure what or, if, I believe in anything anymore..." She said, "What about you? What do you believe in?"

He took a moment to answer, "I believe in Steve, and what the Avengers stand for, despite everything that's happened." She saw him turn to look at her from the corner of her eye, "I also believe in you," He said quietly.

She turned and looked at him, his blue eyes holding her.

Her lips parted. "But I'm not Steve or an Avenger... I'm... I'm just one person."

He let out a soft laugh, "One person? You are the one person that was able to get through the Winter Soldier and find Bucky. I haven't been this much myself in so long. You are one person that believed I could still be me. You are the one person that told me to hang on when I wanted to let go. And you are the only person that made me believe I could control myself again. You taught me to accept who I am now. Even Steve hasn't been able to come to terms with the fact that I'm not who I was 75 years ago. YOU, just one person changed my entire outlook on the life I could have, what I could be."

Erin had no words. She looked at him. His blue eyes reflected everything she couldn't describe.

"Did you mean what you said? About your... feeling?" She chuckled dryly.

Bucky looked down at her hands. He gently took both of them into his. He didn't answer for a moment, "Erin..." He looked back up at her. Her name on his lips sent chills down her spine. "You mean so much more to me than a feeling."

Before she knew what she was doing, she kissed him. She kissed him with everything she had. Some part of her, a door deep inside of her she had never opened, never been able to reach cracked open and she let him in.

With his human hand he cupped the side of her face. There was something about the way his mouth moved against hers that told her he had been as desperate to be close to her as she was to him. She noticed something else, it was like he was trying to say goodbye.

That wasn't what she wanted this to be about. Reluctantly, she pulled away just far enough to rest her forehead against his, "I don't want to do this because of what might happen tomorrow," She said trying to catch her breath.

For a super soldier, his breathing was as uneven as her, "What do you mean?"

"It's like you're trying to say goodbye," She said suddenly choked up. She looked into his eyes, "This can't be the last time we're together like this. I..."

"Hey," Bucky said gently cupping the side of her face so she had to look at him, "Everything is going to be fine."

Erin wanted to believe that, but she couldn't shake the bad feeling she had.

She shoved it down trying to be in the moment, this moment she had with Bucky would get her through whatever was to come. So she simply nodded her head.

Bucky kissed her cheek pulling her into him, resting his head between her neck and shoulder. Erin wrapped her arms around his neck gripping him closer. He wrapped his arms around her back and she savored the feeling of safety in his arms.

*********

Steve was strapping on his gear when she approached him. She took and deep breath and said, "Hey."

Steve turned around and looked at her, "Hey." He said cautiously.

"Your gear looks different without the shield." Erin said awkwardly.

"It feels different," Steve said looking down and strapping his glove.

Erin opened her mouth to say something else, but didn't. She could only say what was on her mind, "I'm sorry." She said quietly, "For everything I said."

Steve looked up at her then his eyes looked down, "You were right." Steve admitted quietly.

"I know," Steve looked at her. She gave him a sly grin, "But not about all of it. Like I said, I have a temper."

Steve chuckled, "Got that right." He paused, "For so long, all those things that I thought was right... the truth is I don't know what the hell I'm doing. And I question myself everyday. Sometimes I think 'God, what did I drag these guys into?' Scott, Clint, Sam, Wanda... Everything that's happened since... what if it's all for nothing? What if they threw away everything... to help me?"

"Then that's a sign of a great leader," She said, "When the people you lead are willing to walk through fire for you, that means you're doing something right, something worth while. If the decisions you made have all been wrong so far, then it should have gone to shit a long time ago. And Bucky... He would have been lost if it wasn't for you." She added quietly.

He smiled at her, his signature Captain half grin.

She smiled back, "I do trust you, Steve. It's not easy for me to admit, but I do. I hope some day I'll deserve yours."

"You already have it."

"I know, but I'd still like to prove to myself that I deserve it." She paused, "And for what it's worth, my grandfather believed in you. And when you came out of the ice, my father believed in you too... and so do I."

He smiled at her and together they walked into the main room where the team, _her_ team, stood ready to battle any kind of hellfire for her and anyone in the room. Bucky shot her a small smile when she walked into the room. She walked towards him and stood between him and Wanda.

"We know the plan," Steve addressed them, "We're ready and we've been through a hell of a lot worse. Let's get in and get out."

"Good cause I have dinner plans," Sam said shooting Erin a smile.

Everyone chuckled and Erin looked around the room. Everyone was in their gear and ready for whatever awaited them at the warehouse. Clint nodded his head at her and Wanda gave her a toothless smile. Erin reached for Bucky's hand inconspicuously and squeezed it. As long as he was there, she could do anything. 

**_______________________________________ **

**_"She held chaos in her heart;_ **

**_but she would only open it up for someone_ **

**_who could understand her storm"_ **

**-TheStoogeofPoetry**

 


	22. Chapter 22

**"Suton (n.) twilight; the approach of death or the end of something."**

The ride to the warehouse was quiet; everyone was lost in their own heads. Bucky sat next to Erin in the back of a transport truck, Steve, Wanda, and Fury on the other side. They had taken two, each coming from either direction of the warehouse. The rest of the team was located inside the other one.

Once the building was in sight, Erin prepared herself to move into position. She started to feel for the electric current that lit up the building, looking for its sources and testing to see how hard it would be to take out. What she felt so far was manageable, which didn't necessarily make her feel better. The energy was different from the last time they were here and it didn't help settle the uneasy feeling in Erin's stomach.

"Alright, everyone knows their positions," Steve said, "Are you ready Buck?" He turned to his friend. 

Bucky simply nodded.

Erin looked at him and he turned towards her. _Everything is going to be fine._ He seemed to say to her in silent communication.

Erin nodded her head. She reached for his metal hand and gently took it in her own for one moment and then let go.

"Erin," Steve said, "It's time to work your magic."

Erin nodded and closed her eyes. Inside her head, an electric current map appeared. There were multiple generators that were running the building. She dug deeper and deeper into the pit in her stomach and gently pushed against it.

The warehouse lost power right where she wanted it. Apparently Dr. Krav had done some upgrades since they last broke into his little hideout. There were now working keycards on each entry of the building. Erin just took them all out.

The truck came to a stop and they all quietly piled out of the back.

"Can everyone hear me?" Steve asked into his bluetooth earpiece that connected everyone.

"Roger Cap," Sam said so everyone could hear, "Ha-ha, see what I did there?" He laughed at himself.

"Hilarious," Natasha said back.

"Is everyone in position?" Steve pushed on.

Everyone confirmed one way or another. "Okay," Steve continued, "Everyone knows the plan. Let's go."

*********

In the darkness, they all started towards the warehouse. Bucky broke away from the group, going towards the main entrance to do his part. As Erin watched him walked away, the bad feeling in her stomach only grew. They were not all making it out of this unscathed.

Erin and Fury broke away from Wanda and Steve to cover the entry they had studied. As she had hoped, the card readers were out and she was able to open the door with little effort. She hoped everyone else was able to do the same.

Erin gave Fury a nod before they started to walk down a dark entry hall. The only thing that lit the corridor was an exit sign and a silent red light that lit up the walls every few feet.

"Bucky how are you doing?" Steve asked quietly through the com piece.

"Well the main entry was pretty much deserted, no sign of guards. I'm headed down another hallway now to-"

His line went dead.

"Bucky?" Erin said panic in her voice. She was going to be sick.

"Bucky are you okay?" Steve asked urgently.

Erin tried to feel for his tiny earpiece but couldn't pick up anything, "Guys his ear piece is down, and I can't feel it anywhere."

"Well I think he's completed his job." Sam said.

"That means it's time to do ours," Steve said, "Erin where's the largest power source coming from?"

Erin went back to the mental blueprint painted in her head. "It's strange," She said, "There's energy surging from all over the building. It wasn't there a few minutes ago. I can't pin point a location." She said frustrated.

"Just give us the general direction and we'll figure it out." Steve said.

"Okay," Erin said closing her eyes again. "There's something in the basement for sure, it feels almost like a huge computer."

"Clint and I will take it," Natasha said.

Clint scoffed, "Lovely."

"On the... northwest corner of the third floor there's something, but it doesn't feel as big."

"Tic Tac and I will take that one, we're already up here." Sam said.

"Has anyone come across any kind of security yet?" Fury asked as he and Erin continued to walk down the corridor.

"Not so much as a security camera..." Natasha said, "I don't like this."

"Yeah? Well, that makes all of us." Scott said.

"There's another place on the second floor in the southeast corner, it's bigger than the first floor, probably a lab set up in there... If someone has Bucky, I'm betting that's where they'll take him."

"Wanda and I will take it," Steve said.

"There's one more on the first floor. Fury and I are headed that way now." Erin said.

"Alright, remember if anyone gets into a tight situation, call for backup or get the hell out." Steve said, "Good luck and I'll see you all in a few."

Erin and Fury started to jog down the hallway, Erin leading him blindly. There was a split passage up ahead of them and Erin took the left, leading her more towards the power source.

"So... you and Barnes?" Fury asked.

"What?" Erin turned to him, but continued walking.

"Come on, I may have a bad eye but I still see things."

Erin shook her head in the darkness, "Is this really the time or place to be asking?"

"You know he did try to kill me once. What would your father think of you and the Winter Soldier?"

Erin stopped in her tracks and whirled around to face him. He stood a good 5 inches taller than Erin, but she didn't falter, "You _do not_ get to talk about my father _._ " She said with lethal quiet in her voice, "And you don't get to talk about Bucky either. You have no _idea,_  the things he's been through, or the things he's seen."

"And you do?" He challenged.

If he only knew. "Better than most." She retorted. "You don't have a right to an opinion on either subject."

"You can't run forever, it's going to catch up to you."

"Oh really? Isn't that exactly what you did once S.H.I.E.L.D. went down? My family, the future you promised me... It was all gone and you ran."

Instead of shrinking back as Erin expected him too, he seemed to grow taller, "Well guess what little miss boo hoo," He said, "That's how life goes. That's why you never assume something is guaranteed. Something that was once promised to you can be taken away like that," Fury snapped his finger, "Yes, I ran, but I ran because I had a fight to finish and attending the funerals of those lost wouldn't have helped avenge their deaths. I didn't have time to feel sorry for the people I let down."

Erin swallowed and turned her back to him continuing down the hallway, "Yeah you keep telling yourself that."

A few seconds later, she heard him follow behind her.

*********

They came to another turn in the hallway. She could either go straight or left. The darkness of the left passage gave her an eerie feeling so she chose to go straight. "Erin!" Fury yelled behind her.

Before she even had time to turn around, someone had her in a headlock. All those training sessions with Cap paid off as her instincts kicked in. She jammed her elbow into the abdomen of the man who attacked her. He let out a groan, but didn't let go. Erin twisted around and managed to break his hold of her neck. She grabbed the gun out of the back of her holster belt, but he twisted her arm.

Pain roared in Erin's shoulder, making her drop the gun. The man shoved her to the ground and tried to kick her. She managed to roll over just before his foot made contact with her stomach. Erin managed to get to her feet and made her first offensive move.

She tried to eye any weak spots the man had. He didn't have any weapons on him except for a single long silver knife. No wonder she hadn't been able to sense him. Erin's eyes went big and the man smiled wickedly.

Out of the corner of her eye, Erin saw Fury fighting off two other guards; a third was already on the ground.

The man she was facing made his first move with the knife. All the training she had done with Steve and Bucky raced into her head. _Dodge. Block up. Block down. Dodge again_. She had to repeat the steps in her head three times before she saw her opportunity.

The man favored his knife hand, leaving his other side vulnerable. Quickly, she punched his ribs, taking the air out of his lungs in the process. Erin side kicked him while he was hunched, then kicked him in the chin in hopes that would knock him out.

The man went down and stayed there.

She looked up to assess Nick's situation. He was still in the process of taking down his last man. Erin looked down the other end of the hallway, where more men were coming.

"Erin this way!" Nick yelled, still fighting off the man.

Erin didn't have to be told twice. She ran towards him. She tried to help him fight, but he shoved her down the passageway.

"Find Barnes!" He yelled.

Before Erin could protest, the passage shut itself. Erin was cut off from Nick by a sliding door she hadn't noticed earlier. "No!" She yelled pounding against the wall, willing it to slide open. "Hello?" She said frantically into her ear piece. No one replied, "Can anyone copy?" Nothing.

Erin swore silently under her breath. Someone had taken out her earpiece. Looking up, Erin realized she was left in total darkness.

__________________________________________________________

**_"She, in the dark, found light brighter than many ever see._ **

**_She, within herself found loveliness, through the soul's own mastery._ **

**_And now the world receives from her dower:_ **

**_The message of the strength_ **

**_Of inner power."_ **

**-Langston Hughes**

 


	23. Chapter 23

**"Erlebnisse (n.) the experiences, positive or negative, that we feel most deeply, and through which we truly live; not mere experiences, but Experiences."**

When Erin went a full minute without being able to see a thing, she started to panic. Everything she knew about the plan flew out of her head as pure terror took over. The walls she couldn't see felt like they were closing in around her. She slid down to the ground and hugged her knees. She shut her eyes tight. She couldn't breathe or think. She was utterly alone.

*********

_"Daddy?" Seven-year-old Erin asked her father who was making breakfast for the two of them. Her brother had a soccer game a few hours away and her mother was still at work over seas, so it was just she and her father on a Saturday morning._

_"Why did you pick your job?" She asked sitting on the kitchen counter, the smell of pancake batter and bacon filling her nose._

_Her father smiled as he flipped an egg he was making for himself. "Because I have a gift for what I do."_

_"A gift? Like a present?"_

_He chuckled, "Not exactly. It's like a special talent, something I'm good at."_

_"Oh..." She said, "Do I have a gift?" She asked innocently._

_"Of course you do. Everyone does."_

_"What is it?"_

_"Well, that's for you to find out." He said stirring the pancake batter._

_"When will I know?"_

_Her father looked over at her intently, "Everyone's gift reveals itself in different ways and times."_

_"I hope mine is special like yours and grandpa's."_

_"Well it does run in the family," Her father smiled at her, his eyes bright._

_"I'm going to be the best!"_

_"I'm sure you will have your grandfather and I running for ou_ _r_ _money," Her father laughed. She loved her father's laugh. It was deep and true, making her feel warm inside. After a moment his face turned serious. "But I want you to remember Erin, it's not about how extraordinary your gift is, it's about what you do with it. Will you be selfish with it? Or will you use it to help other people?"_

_"I wanna help people! Just like you and grandpa!"_

_Her father smiled kindly at her, "I hope you hold onto that. You have something very special inside of you, a light in here," He pointed his giant finger to the place where Erin's heart was inside of her body. "When the time comes I hope you will use it. No matter what life throws at you, no matter where you find yourself, there's always light. Even if you can't see it, it's there._

_"How do I find it if I can't see it?"_

_"You look for the light a different way."_

_********* _

_Look for the light._

Erin slowly opened her eyes, allowing them to adjust to the darkness.

 _Look for the light._ Her father's voice echoed in her mind.

Erin focused. She may not have had her sight, but she had other tools to guide her. She expanded her senses and reached for any electric pulse she could find.

            _Erin._ Bucky's voice echoed into her mind. _Erin!_ He repeated. Erin shot up from where she sat. Blindly, she reached for the wall of the passage and started to follow the electric current.

            "I'm coming Bucky." She said to the darkness.

*********

Five minutes later she was still stuck in the passage. She had to turn left and then right two times. She had felt a few doors, but all of them were locked and she couldn't feel the source of the electric current in any of them.

            Finally, she turned left one more time and saw a low light at the end of the hallway. This was it.

            Erin jogged towards the door still keeping her hand on the wall. Once she reached it she reached for the handle. It was unlocked.

            She threw open the door and the little light that was in the room made her shut her eyes. She blinked slowly, letting her eyes adjust to the light of the room and she observed her surroundings. She was in a lab of some kind. There were computers and monitors and wires everywhere. She felt the source of the electric current flow from the middle of the room.

            Erin slowly made her way deeper and deeper into the lab. At the end of the room, there was a black chair where Bucky occupied the seat.

"Bucky!" Erin yelled starting to run towards him.

            He saw her and panic seized his face."Erin, no!" He yelled back.

            Erin felt it before she could do anything. Suddenly, a circle of force field energy shot up around her. The energy she felt around her attacked her senses and her senses were off the charts. She almost buckled under the sudden burst of electricity she felt. When she regained her balance she tok in her surroundings turning in a full 360. She was trapped in a cylinder force field of some kind .

            "Well, well, well," A voice said from behind Erin.

            She looked around to see a young man in a white lab coat walking towards her. He was flanked by three dark soldiers. They wore the same thing as the men who had attacked her, Sam, Wanda, and Steve in the abandoned HYDRA base in Romania.

            "Just the person I was looking forward to seeing." A wicked smile played on the man's surprisingly handsome face. He couldn't be more than 35 with dark hair and eyes black as night, "Did you get the flowers I sent you?"

            Erin felt all the color drain from her face.

            "Forgive me," He said with a distinct German accent, "I am being rude. You probably don't know who I am."

            The man came to a stop in front of her, his dark soldiers maintaining their distance. The only thing separating them was the wall of energy. Erin kept her eyes on Bucky over the man's shoulder. She quickly tried to compose herself and gather her thoughts. It wouldn't do her or Bucky any good if she couldn't think. "I don't believe I've had to pleasure." She finally replied, trying to keep her voice from shaking.

            "I suppose you could guess who I am." He said tauntingly, like this was some kind of game. Fine. She would play along.

            Reluctantly, she tore her eyes from Bucky and looked at the man in his black eyes, "You wouldn't be one of Dr. Krav's followers, would you?"

            His wicked smile grew wider, "On the contrary, I am _thee_ Dr. Krav."

Erin's stomach dropped and she couldn't help it as her eyes went wide. He noticed the confusion and said, "I am Dr. Krav, just as my father was Krav, and his father before him. My grandfather was the one that designed the serum in the Winter Soldier's arm." He nodded towards Bucky behind him. "And we have been perfecting his serum every since."

            Erin tried to disguise her surprise, "The family business means a lot I assume?"

            "Something like that." He smirked at her.

            Erin's eyes flashed back to Bucky for just a moment, but it was enough for Krav to notice.

            "Ahh," He turned around to look at him, "Don't worry about your friend just yet, you and I are having a chat. No harm will come to him."

"What do you want with him and Steve? I mean he is the reason you went to all this trouble, right?" She had to keep him talking. She needed time to think, a way to contact the team. Anything.

"The Captain _?_ You think I am after that tiny patriot?" Krav laughed like she had said something funny, "Oh my you really have no _idea_ do you?"

His words made something feel very wrong in the pit of Erin's stomach.

"I will say, Captain America would be a nice collectable, and the Winter Soldier would be a valuable weapon, but _you_ Erin McCall, are the real prize." He purred the words as if they gave him pleasure, as if she was a shiny trophy he was mere steps away from acquiring.

Erin saw Bucky's face twist in anger as he tried to free himself from his restraints.

"Me?" She said shocked, trying not to empty the contents of her stomach. "What do you mean?"

"Our fathers worked together at S.H.I.E.L.D. did you know that?" He said avoiding her question starting to circle her, like a lion eyeing their prey.

"You're father was part of the HYDRA infiltration?" She accused.

Krav scoffed, "No, our family has not had dealings with HYDRA since the last World War. He infiltrated S.H.I.E.L.D. for his own purposes, specifically your father's research."

Erin suddenly remembered those black eyes.

Krav saw the realization come over her face, "Yes, my father was Dr. Smith."

She had known Dr. Smith her whole life. He died in the HYDRA attack with her father and brother. He had been her father's friend and colleague. He had come to her grandfather's funeral. He had actually _hugged_ her. Erin swallowed the bile that rose in her throat.

"We've been watching you Erin." He said quietly. It sent chills down her bones and for the first time in a long time, Erin was truly afraid. "Just like we watched your grandfather... we also knew what he was and the talents he possessed. From the first time daddy brought you into the lab we've been keeping tabs on you. And you never disappointed. You were nothing short of a protégé. We knew your work would be invaluable to us one day all we had to do was be patient. Then, everything blew to hell when HYDRA was revealed to have been part of S.H.I.E.L.D. all along. Even we were unaware of the threat. We simply decided to be patient a while longer. We knew your mother would thirst for vengeance and we served it to her on a silver platter."

Erin wanted to scream. " _You_ killed my mother?" She would tear him apart. She would tear this whole place to the ground.

"Oh no," He looked amused, "But we knew who wanted to. We simply gave them... the tools to dispose of her. Once mommy dearest was out of the way, we were going to come find you but... you disappeared. For three years we looked for you. You were a difficult challenge to track, but guess where we found you?"

Erin already knew, but Krav continued, "When you decided to sneak into an old HYDRA facility we found you. And to make things ever _sweeter_ your ability to manipulate electricity considerably intrigued me. We never in a thousand years would have guessed you would inherit your grandfather's talents."

            "What do you plan to do then? Use me for your evil plan?" He turned her head to watching him continue to circle her.

            "We wish you to work for us, _with_ us. Together we could change the way the world sees robotics. We will become gods among men with our creations." He stopped in front of her, every ounce of sincerity in his eyes. He was truly insane.

            _It isn't about how extraordinary your gift is, it's what you do with it._ Her father's words echoed in her mind. "Fat chance." She said.

            "We thought you might say that." Dr. Krav smiled wickedly and turned to walk towards Bucky.

Bucky looked murderous. He thrashed against his restraints, but not even his metal arm could break them.

"Perhaps you need a little... motivation." Krav pulled a lever next to the chair and a thick black band started to creep its way towards Bucky's forehead.

Erin had seen that chair and band before. She had felt it against her skull. Her stomach turned to ice as panic seized her.

            "No," She said, "No, no, no! Leave him alone!" She yelled.           

            "Erin!" Bucky yelled just before the black band separated and wrapped around his head.

            "Don't!" Erin screamed again. Tears pounded against her tear ducks. Every ounce of courage he had two minutes ago vanished. She couldn't let this happen. She wouldn't. She tried to shut down the power of the electric chair, but whatever this force field was made of, it was neutralizing her power.

There was nothing she could do as Bucky started screaming.

______________________________________________

**_"There are different kinds of darkness._ **

**_There is the darkness that frightens, the darkness that soothes, the darkness that is restful._ **

**_There is the darkness in lovers, and the darkness in assassins._ **

**_It becomes what the bearer wishes it to be. It is not wholly bad or good."_ **

**-Sarah J. Maas**

 


	24. Chapter 24

**"Dor (n.) an untranslatable Romanian word that describes the emotional pain one feels when separated from the one they love."**

"No, no, no!" Erin pleaded. She pounded her fist against the force field that separated her from Bucky, but it only sent waves of pain through her hands. Tears clouded her eyes, but Krav wouldn't stop. "I'll do it!" She screamed, "I'll do it! Please, just- just leave him alone! _Please._ "

Krav nodded his head. He pulled down the lever. Bucky stopped yelling, but his head fell limp as the black bands disconnected from his head.

Erin turned her eyes towards Krav. He strutted over to her, a look of triumph on his face. "Now before I let that shield down," He said, "Just in case you decide to do anything funny, I'd like to show you your friends."

Krav turned his head to a set of monitors on the wall to Erin's right. She followed his gaze and saw footage of the team in every corner of the warehouse. How had she not noticed the cameras?

"If you try to contact them, they will be incinerated before you can even blink. Understand?" Krav threatened.

Erin stared at her friends. They had no idea where she was or what was at stake. They had no way to get to her, no way to know... She had to think. _Think. Think. Think._ She turned and faced this monster. "Why?" She demanded.

"The world is at a breaking point, evolution is playing its role by weeding out those who are too weak to survive. Why do you think there have been so many persons of enhanced abilities to show up the past few years? We must do all we can to remain strong. You will help me do that."

"You're _sick."_ Erin spat.

"Maybe, but you cannot be a genius without the monster I think." He shot a grin at her that made her very bones shake. How was she going to work with a man whose only goal was enhancing himself?

Krav lowered the shield, but Erin didn't move from where she stood. Her feet felt like they were glued to the floor.

            "Come here, don't be shy," Krav said.

            Somehow Erin managed to put one foot in front of the other until she stood next to him in front of Bucky. He was breathing, but he still sat limp in the chair. Slowly, his eyes blinked open and he looked at Erin. He looked so tired, it made Erin's heart hurt.

            "Oh, and I'll take this," Krav said ripping the earpiece out of Erin's ear. He threw it to the floor and crushed it under his foot. "Now, the first thing I want you to do is put all of your father's work into our data base."

            "Your father had access to all of my father's files, you should have everything." It was the first excuse Erin could think of.

            He didn't buy it. "Ahh, but he did not put _everything_ he found into the S.H.I.E.L.D. data base did he?"

            Damn him. "I don't know."

            "I think we should agree not to lie to one another, Erin. You want him," He gestured to Bucky, "To remember who you are? You want your friends to survive? The you will enter the information into the data base."

            Erin looked over at Bucky once more. Thick beads of sweat were already covering his face. He looked back at her though, fierce as ever. He shook his head weakly, telling her not to do, not to give in to what Krav wanted.

But Erin wouldn't let him torture Bucky. She took a deep breath and walked over to the database and began typing in the information Krav wanted.

*********

**_WANDA'S POV_ **

Wanda and Steve had been wandering around the complex for nearly half an hour and found nothing but useless security. There was no sign of Bucky anywhere or this Dr. Krav who was responsible for this.

            "Can anybody read me?" Nick Fury yelled out of breath through the earpiece.

            "Fury, what's wrong?" Steve asked him.

            "Erin's been taken and I'm overwhelmed I could use some help!" Wanda heard him grunt, like he was exerting himself in combat.

            "Wanda and I are headed your way." Steve said. He nodded at Wanda and together, they sprinted towards the stairs up to the floor Fury was.

            They found him nearly surrounded. There were at least five guards pushing their way through to fight Fury, and he was shooting left and right. There were already at least half a dozen unconscious bodies on the ground.

            They fought their way through the guards, Wanda instantaneously knocking out anyone she could. Her red magic flew left and right as Steve and Fury continued to throw punches.

            Finally, Steve took the last man down with one punch.

            They looked at each other, trying to catch their breath and assessing each other's injuries.

            "Where's Erin?" Steve demanded. Wanda knew he was worried. He always worried about Erin.

            Fury was still out of breath when he answered, "There's a hidden passage right here," He put his hand against a spot on the wall, "It closed by itself once Erin went through. I'm not sure how to open it."

            Steve turned to Wanda, "Wanda-"

            "On it," She said. She put her hand on the wall and felt for a lever or switched of some kind. She had to go deep within the tunnel, it was bigger than she anticipated. She searched and searched but she couldn't find anything.

"Wanda?" Steve asked impatiently.

"I'm looking," She had to find it. She had to.

Suddenly, she felt something spark. She followed the trail and-

 _Click._ There it was. "Erin," Wanda whispered. That was Erin's spark she felt.

            The passage door slid open. It was so dark, Wanda couldn't see very far into it. Something about it made her uneasy.

            "Team, meet up here on the second floor, Fury will be where you need to go."

            "Natasha found something in the basement, but it's going to take her a while to crack. Scott is going to stay with her. Falcon and I are coming to you." Clint said.

            "Fury you stay here and wait for the team, Wanda and I will go on ahead."

            "Whatever you say Cap," Fury nodded his head, "We'll be right behind you."

            Cap nodded his head and turned to Wanda, "You ready?"

            "She's in there," Wanda said, "I feel her spark... I think she's leaving a trail for us." Wanda felt for it again, "She's warning us too. I don't think she's alone."

            "Be on your guard, and keep track of that trail."

            Wanda nodded her head and Steve took his first steps into the passage as they plunged into the darkness.

****

**_ERIN'S POV_ **

"That's everything," Erin said turning away from the computer, "All of my father's work that wasn't in S.H.I.E.L.D. database. She looked over at Bucky who was staring at the floor still looking dazed.

            Dr. Krav eyed her suspiciously, "Are you sure? I wouldn't want to have to scramble Bucky's poor brain again-"

            " _That's everything._ " She said through her teeth.

            He smiled wickedly at her, "Very good. Now, you are familiar with who Dr. Zola was, correct?"

            Something caught the corner of Erin's eye. A red mist seemed to seep through the door. Erin kept her eyes on Krav and swallowed, "Yes." She eyed the TV monitor's behind her. One by one she took them out, trying to keep Dr. Krav focused on her. It wouldn't be long before his dark soldiers noticed something was up.

            "This chip," Krav held up a small chip the size of a flash drive, "It contains his algorithm HYDRA used to take out its enemies. With your father's work, we're going to hone it to do our bidding." He smirked as his eyes flashed to Erin's lips. He walked towards her and put his mouth way too close to her ear, "If we work together, we will be unstoppable." Erin's stomach turned and an unpleasant chill made its way down her spine.

            "So what's the plan? World domination?" She just had to keep him distracted and talking a little bit longer.

            A smile played on the corner of his mouth, "Survival of the fittest, and I intended to be the fittest of them all."

            "You know," Erin said eyeing the two figured in the corner, "Evolution always bored me in class. Seemed silly." Quick as lightening Erin went into action. She knocked the flash drive out of Kravs hands and it went flying across the room.

            "Why you-!"

Steve yanked Krav from behind and threw him to the ground. "So you're Dr. Krav," Steve said towering over him, "I have to say I'm a little disappointed."

            "Not for long," He spat back. Before anyone could react, Krav reached inside of his jacket and pressed a button. More dark soldiers flooded into the room from every nook and cranny, guns up ready to fire.

            Wanda sent of wave of red sparks up, taking out most of the men's guns, but they still had their fists. Erin and Steve started moving, combatting the nearest soldier.

Bucky was fully awake now and tried to fight the restraints in his chair. He managed to break one of his arm restraints. She tried to get closer to him, but the wave of troops was overwhelming. Erin saw Krav try to run towards the lever that controlled Bucky's chair, but she focused all her power into overriding the circuit.

Steve knocked him aside and he hit his head against a wall, knocking him out.

Bucky was now freed out of the chair and fought his way through the soldiers to get to them.

They continued to work as a team, but the soldiers kept coming. The four of them were now backed into a circle, surrounded.

"Any ideas?" Erin yelled looking around desperately.

She was answered when an arrow landed in the armor of a soldier in front of her.

"Could you use some help in here?" Clint yelled from across the room, Sam at his side.

            "Just a little!" Steve yelled as he kicked another soldier to the ground. Sam and Clint turned the heads of half the soldiers in the room, distracting them long enough for Wanda, Erin, and Steve to keep fighting.

            One by one they each took down the enemy. Kicking, punching, and dodging blows, they all moved as one unit, an unstoppable force weeding through the room until Steve took out the last one standing.

            When the last dark soldier fell to the ground, they all looked around the room at one another, out of breath.

            "You guys do this all the time?" Erin said putting her hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath.

            Clint and Sam walked towards them and he put a hand on Erin's shoulder, "You'll get use to it." He smirked at her.

            Erin's eyes landed on Bucky from across the room and he was smiling at her, like he was proud.

            "Where's Krav?" Steve asked looking around the room.

            Before anyone could answer a shield wall shot up from the floor. Erin stared in horror as she realized the same force field wall that had trapped her earlier, now completely divided the room. They were separated from Bucky and Dr. Krav.

"No!" Erin said running towards the force field, the team close behind her. She tried to shut it down, but she couldn't. It was neutralizing her energy again.

Krav was standing next to a control panel on the other side of the room. Bucky tried to run towards him to take him out, but Krav was too quick. Another circle of energy surrounded Bucky, fencing him in.

            "I told you what would happen if you tried to fight, Erin." Krav said, slowly making his way towards Bucky. "You can't run from what you are."

            "Don't do it Krav. It's over. You've lost." Steve said.

            Clint and Wanda both tried to take out the force field. Clint's arrow bounced off and Wanda's magic didn't seem to have any effect on it.

            "We'll see about that." Krav said, then he started yelling is Russian: "Zhelaniye!" 

            Erin knew that word. _Longing._ "No," Erin whispered. She knew _those_ words. They sometimes haunted her nightmares, "No!"

            "Rzhavvy!" He yelled. _Rusted._

            "Stop!" Bucky yelled, falling to his knees.

            This shouldn't be happening. Wanda had removed all of that from his head, the words shouldn't effect him. Could they?

            "Semnadtsat'!" _Seventeen._ "Rassvet!" _Daybreak._

            "Stop it!" Erin pleaded. She banged against the force field, but it only sent her flying backwards.

            "Pech'!" _Furnace._

            Erin stayed on her knees and closed her eyes. She went deeper and deeper within herself. She wouldn't let this happen. She _wouldn't._ Suddenly it was like Erin could feel every wire in the building. The sudden impact of energy almost knocked her out, but she focused on her task, taking down the energy shield.

            "Devyat'!" _Nine._  Bucky started screaming. Tears streamed down Erin's face.

Steve was running back and forth along the force field, trying to find any weak point. Wanda kept throwing throws of energy at the shield.

"Dobroserdechnyy!" _Benign._

Erin started breaking whatever energy she could get her hands on. The force field began to spark. She was close, so close...

Krav looked nervously around him, but kept saying the words, "Vozvrashcheniye na rodinu!" _Homecoming._

A scream of pure anger ripped from Erin's mouth.

            "Odi-!"

The feeling in Erin's stomach exploded. The force field blew up in front of them. All over the room sparks were flying and lights flickered.

            Once the shield was down, Steve ran towards Krav and took him out once and for all.

"Bucky!" Erin yelled running over to where he had been trapped. He had fallen to his knees, barely keeping himself off the floor. He was breathing heavily, like he was fighting with an invisible enemy. She took his head in her hands, "Bucky? Bucky, come on look at me."

He looked at her with droopy eyes, he looked confused, like he didn't recognize her. "Ah!" He let out another gasp as if he were in pain.

"No. I won't let him take your mind away from you again." Erin said her eyes full of tears. "You know us. Please Buck." She said desperately.

"Ready- Ah!" He cried out again.

Steve was now at Bucky's other side, a hand on his shoulder, "Buck it's me, it's-" But Bucky only threw out his hand, shoving Steve away from him.

"This isn't you!" Erin said desperately, "You're name is James Buchanan Barnes. You were born in 1917. You're from Brooklyn. Steve Rogers, that man, is your best friend."

            He looked at her still confused and conflicted. Even now the thought at the forefront of Erin's mind was how beautiful she thought his eyes were. These weren't the eyes of a killer. Not anymore. "I c-can't," He stuttered painfully.

            "You played baseball as a kid. You had a sister, Rebecca. HYDRA took you hostage and experimented on you-"

"Stop!" Bucky yelled clutching his head.

"You escaped but you fell from the side of a mountain, helping Steve take down a HYDRA train-"

Bucky grunted, his hands still clinging to his head.

"HYDRA found you and... and they did unspeakable horrors to your mind and body. They made you a weapon and for seventy years they used you-" She choked as tears kept streaming down her face, "But not anymore-"

The sound Bucky made threatened to tear Erin apart. Her heart felt like it was being ripped from her chest piece by broken piece.

"You can _fight_ this Bucky." She said as strongly as possible. She took his head in between her hands and forced him to look at her, "Those words are not who you are. HYDRA _cannot_ control you anymore."

            "Help me- remember you. I can't forget-" Bucky grunted against the pain.

            She stifled back a sob. Tears still blurring her vision, "My name is Erin McCall. You saved my grandfather's life in 1943. He got to come home. Two- two years later- my dad was born. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be alive."

Bucky groaned again.

"I-I fixed your arm. I tell you stupid jokes. We talk about books." She sobbed again, "The truth is we all need you, _I_ need you. If we-"         

Another yell came from his mouth.

"You are the person I care the most about in this world." It was the first time she said the words out loud. She surprised herself. For so long the words had only been a thought in the back of her mind. She never could bring herself to believe them. She thought they were just silly thoughts. "You are my missing piece Bucky. Stay with me. _Please._ " Her walls were coming down and the dam that was behind it started pouring out. There was nothing she could do to stop it.

She looked deep into his eyes, willing him to remember her. She would have done anything, anything to take away this pain.

Like light shining through a cloud after rain, Bucky's eyes began to soften. Clarity spread across his face and Erin felt the tension leave his body. "Erin..." He said her name with certainty.

            She let out a shuttered breath, "Yes," She breathed.

            He wrapped her in his arms. "Don't let go." He whispered.

Erin's heart threatened to break apart right then and there. He clung to her like she was the only thing tethering him to the earth. She cradled his head against her shoulder and whispered the same two words to him, "I'm here."

**____________________________________ **

**_"And in the middle of my chaos_ **

**_there was you"_ **

**-Paullina Simmons**

 


	25. Chapter 25

**"Krasivaya (adj.) beautiful, but with strength; unique."**

Erin watched through a window as Wanda weaved her magic through Bucky's mind. She stared vacantly thinking about what had happened.

            Once Sam and Steve managed to pry Bucky from Erin's arms, she wasn't sure what had happened. She didn't remember how they got out or how they found their way back to the lab where Bucky had been kept before being transferred to the safe house.

            She woke up on one of the benches outside of the room Bucky was being worked on. She slowly sat up, every inch of her body felt sore. What had happened? She looked up to see Clint walking towards her with a cup of coffee in his hand. He handed it to her and told her she had passes out shortly after they left the warehouse.

            "I knew you wouldn't want to wake up at the safe house," Clint said, "You wouldn't want to leave him." His voice got quiet as he looked through the widow of the lab. Erin didn't know what to say.

            She heard a phone start to ring and looked to see Clint pull one from his pocket. "You going to be okay?"

Erin nodded her head.

"I'll come check on you later," Clint offered her a small smile, "Yeah?" He answered the phone as he got up to leave.

            Erin watched him go until he disappeared around a corner. When he was gone she got up from her seat and walked towards the window that allowed her to look inside the room.

T'Challa's team were running back and forth performing tests while Wanda worked through Bucky's mind. She hoped Wanda was looking for what they missed so Bucky would never have to fear those words ever again.

            Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Steve walk towards her and stop right next to her, a solid presence reminding her that they were safe. This wasn't a dream.

            "Krav is being transported. The Wakanda police were anonymously tipped off about this secret hide out. Turns out he's wanted in seven different countries." He tried to joke.

            Erin couldn't bring herself to laugh. "You think he'll talk?" she asked, her voice hallow.

            "Well, it also turns out that his family has a mental history, paranoia, bipolar disorder, that kind of thing. And he took a substantial blow to the head, so if he starts talking about something crazy like a team of vigilantes attacking his operation, which were in fact, illegal, I don't think the judge would take sympathy."

            "What about the security footage? All of his archives?" Erin tore her eyes away from the window and turned her body towards Steve.

            Steve hesitated, "When you dismembered the force field you... did more than just take those down. Anything electric in that building was shot. All of the computer hard drives were wiped. All the footage, his data base, and information is completely gone."

            Erin's eyes widened, "I did that?"

            Steve nodded his head, "There's no record of any of us being inside of that building."

            Erin looked down at her hands, "What am I?" She asked no one in particular, "All this time, he was looking for me, because of who I was and what I could do. And Bucky-" She cut herself off as a lump began to form in her throat, "Bucky almost..." She paused, looking at the ground, "It's my fault," she whispered. Tears stung her eyes as she looked up through the window. Breathing suddenly became an impossible task. She turned to Steve, "It's my fault!" She gasped.

            "Erin," Steve said taking her shoulders.

            "My fault." Tears started spill down her face. She grabbed onto Steve's forearms sobbing into his chest, grasping for something, anything to keep her grounded.

            "No, Erin," Steve said pulling her into him. His strong arms wrapped around her, creating a circle of comfort. It reminded her of Jamie. She cried harder.

            Erin couldn't control the sobs that raked her body or the tears streaming down her face. The weight of everything she couldn't escape threatened to throw her into an endless black hole. All she knew was suffering, shattered pieces of her soul were everywhere. All this time she thought she had picked up the pieces, that there was no trace of the trail of destruction she left behind. She had been a fool. Was there a time she had ever been whole?

_My fault. My fault. My fault._

*********

The team spent the night at the lab. No one went back to the safe house. T'Challa's team had set them up makeshift beds out of some hospital cots they kept around just in case.

            After an hour of Wanda's magic and the team's amazing work, Bucky was fast asleep. Wanda said he wouldn't be waking up anytime soon, so they should all get some sleep.

            Erin's body ached with exhaustion, but sleep wouldn't come to her. After an hour of trying to keep her eyes shut, she gave up. She sat up in her bed and looked around the dark room. The rest of the team was asleep. Even Steve's chest was rising and falling in a rhythm that could only come from deep slumber.

            She looked over at Wanda whose cot was only a few feet away from Erin's. She couldn't imagine how exhausted Wanda must have been. She had expended so much of her energy today. Erin wouldn't be surprised if Wanda slept for a whole week.

            _She was born to do it._ Erin had told Bucky.

            _Bucky._ His name rang through her mind like a church bell. Wanda hadn't been clear on what kind of state Bucky was in. She said he had been so close to being wiped again, becoming the mindless Winter Soldier. She wasn't sure how close he was to the edge. He could wake up and not remember anything.

            _He might not remember you._ The thought in Erin's head sent a wave of panic through her. Her heart began to beat out of her chest at the thought of him looking her in the eyes and not recognizing all that he was to her. It made her soul ache.

            Quietly, she shoved the blanket off of her and walked towards the lab Bucky was sleeping in.

*********

The door to the lab slid open, a small glow illuminated the room through the lights in the floor.

            There he was, sleeping on a hospital cot sound asleep, his chest slowly rising and falling.

            Erin's heart ached a little more at the sight of him. She walked towards the cot and cautiously took his human hand. It was warm against hers. She hadn't realized how cold the lab was, or maybe the cold she felt inside her own heart was getting to her.

            She pulled up a nearby chair and sat next to his bed. He was so beautiful. In his sleep, the lines of his face were calm, he could never quite soften them like this when he was awake.

            Erin looked to the floor, his hand still in hers. She let herself wonder for a moment what he had truly been like before HYDRA or even before World War II. He had told her a little of what he could recall, but she wanted to know if this was what his face had looked like before he had been burdened with all this pain. How much of Bucky had HYDRA buried? Was he always happy before any of this? She wondered if he could ever be that way again. Could _she_?

            Erin felt a light squeeze in her hand. She looked up to see Bucky's eyes slowly start to open. He blinked a few times and Erin held her breath. She wasn't sure if she was ready.

            His blue eyes fixated on her for a moment, a blank expression on his face. Then the corners of his mouth slowly turned into a smile, "Erin." He said her name quietly.

            Erin gasped with relief. She felt the heavy weight of wondering lift from her and for a moment, she felt like she was floating on air. "Hi," She said with a lump in her throat, tears blurring in her eyes.

            Bucky's eyes clouded with a storm of worry, "What's wrong?" He lifted his hand to stroke her cheek with his thumb.

            Erin let out a laugh, "Nothing!" She beamed, "How do you feel?"

            Bucky brought his hand back down to hold hers, "My head feels a little fuzzy," He looked around the lab realizing they were in a new place, "What happened?"

            "I fried the warehouse," Erin laughed the turned her eyes towards Bucky's metal arm, "Can I take a look?" She asked.

            Bucky nodded and tried to sit up, but he winced in pain like something hurt him.

            Erin furrowed her brows in concern, "Are you hurt?" Her eyes scanned over him looking for any wounds.

            "I'm just a little sore-"

            "Did he hurt you?" Erin asked, anger in her voice, "I swear if he laid a finger on you-"

            "His minions weren't very gentle, but that tends to happen when you fight back." He joked.

           Erin regarded him for a moment. "What happened after they took you? Do you remember?"

            "They injected me with something because I fought back at first. Then when I felt my limbs go limp they dragged me to that lab. Krav introduced himself and told me everything. _You_ were the weapon he had been after all along, not Steve."

            "I still can't believe..." She trailed off quietly, "Oh well, it doesn't matter."

            She turned her attention to his arm before he could reply. She started with his shoulder where she had welded his shoulder and arm together. There were no cracks. Erin had apparently underestimated her welding skills. She ran her hand down the back of his arm searching for any cracks or loose wires, feeling for anything that was off. She looked at the back of his hand and then flipped in around testing each finger for movement making sure each wire performed as it was suppose to. "Well," She said still looking at the hand, "I may have fried everything else, but I managed to leave your arm alone." She looked up to find Bucky studying her. There was something mysterious in his eyes that she had never seen before. _He_ had never looked at her like that before.

            Erin's hand was still in his metal one and she felt the cool vibranium tips close around hers, "I'm sorry," Bucky said quietly, looking down at their hands.

            "For what?" Erin asked confused. What in the world did _Bucky_ have to be sorry for?

            "I was powerless," He admitted still not looking at her, "He could have..." He looked up fiercely at her, like he was making sure she was there with him. "He could have hurt you, and I couldn't have done anything to stop him. Then he started saying those damn words." Bucky voice grew louder as his anger increased. He looked away, into a void Erin couldn't follow. "I'll never be free will I?" His voice was dangerously quiet.

            "Hey," Erin said. He looked back at her, his eyes hallow. "Nothing happened to me, or anyone else on the team. You _resisted_ the words, Buck. You fought them and _won_. Has that ever happened before?"

            Bucky was quiet for a moment, "It was only because of your voice. It was like I was standing in front of a void ready to fall over, but your voice... it brought me back."

            Erin felt fresh tears sting her eyes. 

            A concerned look washed over Bucky's face, "What's wrong?"

            "I thought..." Erin couldn't look at him, if she did she was sure she would lose it completely. She looked down at their intertwined hands, "I was afraid you were going to forget me." She said, her voice shaky.

            She felt Bucky's warm hand lift her chin, forcing her to look at him, "Never." He replied, his hand cupping the side of her face, running his thumb along her jawline.

            She couldn't seem to control the wobble in her lower lip or hold back the tears in her eyes any longer. She rested her forehead against Bucky's and let the silent tears fall.

_______________________

**_"Help,_ **

**_I've lost myself again_ **

**_But I remember you"_ **

**-Billie Eilish, Six Feet Under**

 


	26. Chapter 26

**"Absquatulate (v.) to leave without saying goodbye"**

"So this man, Nathanial Krav, was behind it all?" T'Challa asked. He had just gotten back from figuring out a mystery of his own. The team was gathered in the conference room as Steve and Erin tried to explain to him the events that had transpired over the past few days.

Erin nodded her head, "The flowers, the note, everything." She looked at the team around her until her eyes landed on Bucky sitting next to her.

"He must have been keeping tabs on all of the old HYDRA bases, just in case. That's how he tracked us." Steve said.

"So your father worked with Krav?" Sam directed the question towards Erin.

She took a moment before answering, "Yes, well Nathanial's father did. He went by Dr. Smith at S.H.I.E.L.D." She let out a dry chuckle then turned to Fury, "Any idea how you failed to see not one, but _two_ infiltrations?"

Fury just glared at her.

"Do you think he was behind the death of your grandfather?" Wanda asked.

"I don't know," Erin replied quietly, "He said something about my mom but... I don't know."

"Bucky, how did he know the trigger words?" Steve asked.

Erin had also been curious about that, but if Bucky knew the answer, he didn't show it.

"I'm not sure," Bucky admitted, "They didn't start conditioning like that until years after my first mission... Maybe he had someone on the inside." He turned to look at Wanda. "I'm not blaming you Wanda, but... why was I still susceptible? I thought you were almost positive that stuff was out of my head."

Wanda looked sad. Erin knew she blamed herself for what happened, but she had no way of knowing there were even other people out there who knew how to activate the Winter Soldier.

Wanda swallowed, "We wove through your mind for months. I came across road blocks that led to different paths. And eventually I came to some kind of solid ground. The truth is, the mind is... it's a whole different kind of magic and science than whatever it is I have." She paused, "I'm not sure how to explain it. Think of it as a place that housed a button that I didn't want anyone to touch, so I had to create a shield around. I didn't want to destroy it because I didn't know how that would have effected you mentally. If I had made one wrong move, you could have been stuck in Winter Soldier mode forever. I was too scared to pull the problem up from the root." She admitted quietly, "Then Krav was able to break through the barrier I created. I'm not sure why, but... after Erin brought you back and we were able to work through your brain again, the blocks I created were still there, but that place in your mind with the button... it was destroyed. There were still traces, but..." She looked at Erin, "I think Erin took care of it." She gave Erin a small smile. "I don't think you're in danger of those words ever again."

Sam snorted, "I really hope we never have to be in another situation to find out."

"I have spoken with my psychological teams. They also feel Mr. Barnes is no longer susceptible to HYDRA influence." T'Challa asked.

Erin let out her breath and reached for Bucky's hand under the table. He found hers first.

T'Challa turned towards Bucky. "When this war is settled, I will make sure the world knows it." He said looking Bucky straight in his eyes.

Bucky stared back, "Thank you, for everything." His voice sounded shaky. Erin made a note to ask him about it later.

"Well, I think this calls for a celebration!" Sam said clapping Steve on the back.

"I'm always down for a party!" Scott said.

"Oh can we please Cap? Pleeeeeease?" Sam said pretending to pout.

Steve shot him a glare, but softened his gaze after a moment, "I think... a party might be a good idea." He shot his signature half grin.

There were murmurs of celebration and excitement throughout the room. Even Erin found herself smiling with excitement.

"Speaking of celebrations..." Clint said.

The room went quiet and Erin turned her gaze to look at him. She could tell he was fighting back a smile. "Laura and I have decided to renew our vows."

"When?" Wanda asked excitedly.

"In a few weeks," Clint smiled.

Erin grinned from ear to ear, "Here? In Wakanda?" She asked.

Clint nodded, "Thanks to this giant cat over here," He shot T'Challa a smile. "The kids and her arrive in two weeks."

"That's amazing!" Wanda said getting up from her chair, tackling Clint in a huge hug.

Everyone else followed suit and gathered around Clint congratulating him and clapping him on the back.

Erin gave him a huge hug, "I can't wait to meet the kids," She beamed.

As she stepped away to let the rest of the team talk to Clint, she seemed to be the only one who noticed Bucky get up and slip out of the room without saying a word.

*********

Erin didn't see Bucky until later that night. As Sam requested, they disrupted their usual schedule to simply hang out. Erin helped Wanda make a nice dinner, Bucky hadn't shown up for that part, but Steve reassured her he was just tired and would join them when he was ready.

Once they had all ate, Sam was the DJ for the evening and T'Challa generously opened up the wine cellar for them.

Erin was never one for alcohol, but she casually sipped a beer beside Wanda as they watched Clint and Steve play beer pong, which Erin thought was grossly unfair because Steve couldn't even get drunk. Then again Clint never missed, so she supposed it evened out.

Next to Erin, Wanda had on a long sleeve dark green velvet dress with black see through tights and black boots, her hair loosely falling over her shoulder.

Erin had opted for something more casual. She wore a soft loose maroon shirt with her favorite pair of jeans. She had braided the front half of her hair back leading into a low messy bun, letting loose hairs fall around her face.

Now that she was thinking about it, everyone looked good tonight. She had never seen them more relaxed. It was nice seeing them in something other than combat or training gear.

She was suddenly overcome with a warm feeling. Her emotions got the best of her. "Wanda," Erin said turning to her friend next to her, "I never got to thank you."

"For what?" Wanda asked, her hazel eyes looking more lively than they had since she had met the Scarlet Witch.

"Everything," Erin shrugged, "You've been there and stuck up for me ever since I joined the team. I'm sorry I was... frustrating for a while. In an effort to protect myself I usually... end up hurting people instead." She had never told anyone that, not even Jamie. It felt good, like a weight she could finally let go of.

Wanda smiled at her, "In many ways you have helped me as well. You... reminded me of Pietro and for a while it was hard because I missed him so much, but having you here... it makes me miss him less," She paused, "You've been more than my friend, you've been more like a sister." Wanda chuckled.

"I've never had a sister," Erin smiled, "But then again," She looked up at that moment to see Bucky walk into the room, "This team has given me a lot of what I didn't know I was missing." She turned back to Wanda and smiled, "Sister."

"Sister," Wanda held up her pinky and Erin took in with her own.

Bucky walked up to them and took a seat next to Erin. He looked quite handsome. It was the most dressed up she had seen him since he first woke up. He wore a blue blue button up shirt, which offset his blue eyes. The sleeves were rolled half way up to his elbows and he had on blue jeans with a pair of leather combat boots Erin didn't even know he had.

Her heart fluttered a little bit and a sense of nervousness came over her. Damn him for looking so good. "Hi," She smiled cautiously at him.

"Hi," He smiled back warmly. "You looked beautiful," He whispered into her hair, placing a light kiss on her head.

Erin felt her cheeks get hot. She turned to look at him, "You don't look too bad yourself." She said back. Her eyes averted to his hair, "You need a haircut soon though," She joked. Erin cautiously reached up to touched it, but quickly pulled back as she noticed Bucky stiffen at her touch. She awkwardly withdrew her hand and avoided his gaze. "Are you okay?" She asked changing to subject, "You left so suddenly this afternoon..."

"I'm fine," Bucky said looking at Erin's hand and taking it in his metal one, "Just... thinking." He looked up, a hint of a smile in his eyes.

There, with Bucky at her side and a new found sister on the other, watching men that have become brothers to her have fun, Erin finally felt like she belonged somewhere.

*********

**_BUCKY'S POV_ **

Bucky swung the backpack over his shoulder outside of the safe house as he walked the edge of the garden. He looked up at the window he knew belonged to Erin's room. The light was off and he knew she was sleeping peacefully.

He turned his eyes back to the garden, thinking of all those weeks she sat outside reading during her free time. He would sometimes watch her as she turned page after page, tucking loose strands of her hair that would fall in her face. God, she was so beautiful.

 _Erin._ He knew this would hurt her. If she hurt a faction of what he was feeling... No, Bucky couldn't think about that or he would change his mind. His only regret is that he wouldn't say goodbye to her. He tried to make the most of tonight at the party, while she still held his hand, not even remotely repulsed at the metal beneath her skin or the monster beneath the metal. He knew she would hate him in the morning. _Good._ He thought. She should hate him. Things would be much easier if she did.

"You know," A voice behind him said, "For a former assassin, you're not that good at sneaking around."

Bucky turned around to find Clint Barton standing back by the entryway casually leaning against one of the structure's pillars.

Bucky didn't know Clint very well, but he knew he was protective of Erin. He was glad she would still have him to take care of her.

"It's not really a job I should be good at anymore." Bucky replied.

Clint eyed him up and down, "So you're going to slip away, just like that? Does Steve even know?"

Bucky paused before answering, "He doesn't need to know."

In the darkness, Bucky could see Clint roll his eyes. "What about Erin? You don't think she deserves to know why you're sneaking off in the middle of the night?"

Bucky didn't say anything.

"You love her." He didn't phrase it as a question, but a fact, like he was saying the sky was blue or the sun was bright.

Bucky knew it was true, but he wasn't sure he had the courage to admit it. "It's better this way... for everyone."

"Everyone? Are you sure you don't have your concepts mixed up?"

"It doesn't matter-"

"Bullshit!" Clint raised his voice. He pulled himself from the wall he was leaning against and stalked over to Bucky coming toe to toe with him. Even though he was several inches taller than Clint, Bucky found himself shrinking back from his glare. "You think you're sacrificing yourself for her?" Clint demanded.

Bucky's temper was slowly rising, "I have a lifetime of debt to repay. I think doing what's best for people you care about is a pretty good start-"

"Do you truly believe leaving her is the best way to _redeem_ yourself? Is your ego really that big? I've known Erin since she was my daughter's age. She's like her mother. She doesn't forgive and she doesn't forget. If you go now, she'll resent you for the rest of her life and you'll regret it."

Bucky was still fuming but he stayed quiet.

"Stop running. Haven't you done enough of it to last even your lifetime?"

Anger kept him silent.

"Geez, you're like talking to a brick wall. Look, if you want to go I'm not going to stop you. But you should know that you're a pain in the ass to find, so if you're going to leave at least tell the team, tell Erin, she deserves it." Clint turned to go back inside.

Bucky looked up at Erin's window again. _You love her._ Bucky couldn't dare to believe she could ever love him back.

"Oh," Clint said turning around to face him again, "If you need another piece of motivation, if you don't get your ass back inside, I'll stick an arrow in it." Clint turned around and walked back inside.

Bucky fought a smile and followed him.

___________________________________________________

**_"You can be broken and messy and hurting and healing_ **

**_and still be worthy of love and choosing."_ **

**_-_ Unknown**

 


	27. Chapter 27

**"Redamency (n.) brings forth nostalgia of the purity of love's nature; loving the one who loves you; a love returned in full."**

Erin took a sip of her drink and looked out at the small group of people she had come to know and care about over the last few months.

Clint and his wife, Laura, were slow dancing in the center of the room. Clint's daughter and son were dancing with Wanda, each of their hands in one of hers. Natasha stood near them where she held little 2-year-old Nathan in her arms swaying to the music.

T'Challa had once again been more generous than he needed. He had secured Clint and Laura his private lake house (well actually _mansion_ is a better way to describe it) for the ceremony and reception afterwards. Erin wondered what his actual house looked like (or maybe he actually lived in a castle because he's a king?).

Erin chuckled to herself at the thought as she continued to watch Clint and Laura sway to the music. Laura's head gently rest on Clint's chest, his arms wrapped protectively around her.

Erin couldn't imagine what Laura and the children had given up so that Clint could do this job; be an Avenger. She wondered if such a life was ever possible for herself. Could she become a mom after all the things she had seen? Could she love someone like that with all that darkness she kept locked away?

The thought turned her mind to Bucky. He had been distant the passed few weeks and Erin had no clue what to make of it. She decided to give him his space, even if that meant he no longer felt the same way. The thought hurt her, but she could bare it. She'd rather have him in her life than not at all. She had lost too much already.

"You look like you're thinking about something way too hard." Steve's voice knocked her out of her trance, "It's a wedding, relax."

She quickly smiled, pushing away her thoughts as Steve came over to her. "Technically it's a vow renewal, but call it what you want." She smiled back at him, "Is it strange for you? Being around all this, the things that you wanted all those years ago?"

Steve looked at her curiously. "Yes and no. All those things... they were a lifetime ago. They were things a different person wanted. My priorities have shifted further than I ever thought possible."

They were silent for a moment, "It seems silly doesn't it? A wedding when we're on the edge of war..." Erin said quietly.

Steve gave her his half grin, "Yeah, but I think we need something worth celebrating. It gives us a reason to remember why we do this. The things that we do... the things we have to live with are so dark we have to let some light in or else we would go mad." Steve looked at her then turned his eyes over to Bucky who was standing next to Sam laughing at something Sam had said.

Erin knew then that Steve wasn't talking about the wedding anymore.

Bucky looked over at them and caught her eye. She quickly looked away and Steve chuckled beside her.

"What?" She asked.

"I wish you would just tell him," Steve said looking amused.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing," Steve said shaking his head then lifted his gaze at something over Erin's shoulder. "Hey Buck."

Erin turned around to see Bucky had walked over towards them. "Steve," Bucky gave him a quick smile and then his eyes settled on Erin. He gave her a small, almost shy smile, "Hi Erin."

Erin felt her face get hot. She swallowed and flashed him a smile, "Hi Buck."

Erin saw Steve looking back and forth between the two of them, "I'm going to go get a drink." He said giving Bucky a sly smile. He winked at Erin before backing away.

"You look..." Bucky looked at her dark blue dress and then his eyes rested on her face, "Beautiful."

She smiled then. A genuine true smile spread across her face, "Thank you." She replied, "You don't look so bad yourself." And she was right. If Erin thought he had been dressed up a few weeks ago, it was nothing compared to the dark suit he had on tonight. The cobalt blue in his suit almost matched the blue in Erin's own dress and it made his eyes look like the sky on a clear day. He wore a white shirt underneath with a plain black tie and black dress pants. Erin thought it should be illegal for someone to look so good. 

"Is that a new haircut?" Erin teased to distract herself.

He smiled back at her, the corners of his eyes crinkled, "Yeah, but I really miss my old barber, but unfortunately he's been dead for quite some time so I had to settle on this dame I didn't know very well."

"Dame?" She laughed.

He laughed too, "Sorry, girl... woman." His eyes sharpened as he looked at her, like he was drinking in the details of her face. "Would you like to dance?" Bucky finally asked quietly.

She looked at him for a moment, half wondering if he was joking, "When was the last time you went dancing? 1943?" She joked.

"Well I may be a bit rusty," He reached for her hand, "But I still have a few moves left."

"I'll warn you I really can't dance." She said.

"Don't worry," He just gave her a teasing smile as he pulled her closer to him, "I'll lead." He whispered. His voice melted Erin and she let herself be pulled her onto the dance floor as a slower song started to play. To her own surprise, she didn't resist.

She didn't resist when his metal arm slid around her back and pulled her closer to him. She didn't resist when he started to sway back and forth or when he twirled her around and out and then spun her back in.

She loved every moment of it. She loved the way their hands fit together and the way the silence was comfortable. She loved the way his beautiful blue eyes never left her face and the way they lit up when he laughed because she almost stepped on his feet. Most of all she loved that he was the perfect height so that when she decided to take a chance and rest her head against his shoulder, her head perfectly fit into the curve of his neck and his cheek rested perfectly on the top of her head.

They danced like that for a while, in their own little bubble. Erin forgot everything and everyone around her. She was so content in this moment with Bucky she didn't have time to think about the future or even tomorrow. She let go.

Bucky stopped swaying and lifted his chin from her head. Erin pulled back and looked at him. He took his human hand out of hers and brushed a strand of hair that had gravitated away from her face back behind her ear. His hand lingered on her cheek, brushing from her chin to jaw bone.

Erin closed her eyes and leaned her face into his hand and his touch. Each stroke of his thumb was electrifying. Her body didn't feel like her own. She felt Bucky's hand grip the side of her face more firmly and then she felt it.

His lips brushed hers. She was surprised at first and opened her eyes. His face was only inches from hers. The look on his face was a mixture of longing and a vulnerability she had never seen from him before. He almost looked.... Scared.

She brought her hand behind his neck and pulled his lips to hers. He snaked both his arms around her back and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

Every moment was electrifying. They had kissed before, but not like this. An entirely different feeling washed over Erin. She knew the energy of lights, televisions, iPods, and phones, but this kind of electricity was something entirely different. His lips on hers, this was electricity she had no idea how to control. It was both terrifying and exciting at the same time.

Their kiss lasted for a few seconds before they pulled away. Bucky brought his hand up against to pull her in for one more kiss. When they pulled away again they were only far away enough to let their foreheads rest against each other.

Something passed between them then, on that dance floor as they looked at each other not caring if someone was watching. This was something Erin hadn't known she's wanted from the start. She hadn't realized there was this much feeling... this much love building inside her. All these weeks she had known she cared for Bucky but she never imagined this.

Maybe it felt different because they hadn't yet passed some emotion threshold. Erin knew her feelings for Bucky ran deep, but maybe... maybe this is what people talked about when you ask them how they know they love someone, they just _know_. This is how people know they've crossed the line into love.

That's when Erin knew, if she hadn't loved Bucky before, she did now.

"Erin," He whispered her name, his voice breaking a bit with desperation. It made her feel sad and happy and excited and scared all at the same time, "I'm sorry." There was so much pain in his voice it made her want to cry, "I shouldn't have done that." He pulled away from her.

"I'm glad you did," She said, holding onto his hand for dear life. All of her feelings were threatening to tumble to the ground.

He shook his head and pulled away from her hand and backed toward the door.

She followed him, determined to make him see. "Bucky. Bucky!" The night air met her skin as they both exited the house, greeted by the vast lake bathed in moonlight.

He turned around to face her, "I can't do this, not to you."

"Why not?" She demanded.

"Why not?" He asked. He looked like he might laugh at her. "I can't-" He paused, frustrated, "I don't deserve you, I'm not... I'm not _good._ " He tried to turn away from her again. "There is still darkness in me, a darkness that has nothing to do with HYDRA that I don't know how to control. One day it's going to come out and you're going to run the other way and I won't let it come to that. I can't."

"But I can. Bucky I _want_ to see that side of you. I'm tired of running and I'm tired of not feeling anything!" Tears of frustration brimmed her eyes. Didn't he see? Didn't he know?

"After everything that's happened and everything I've done how can you even think that I could have a- a normal life with you? I can't love you the way you deserve to be loved, Erin. You don't deserve that."

"James Buchanan Barnes," She said his name grabbing his metal arm. She forced him to look at her, "You do not get to lecture me on what is and is not possible. You think I can have a normal life? News flash: you're not the only one who feels broken beyond repair!" She took a deep breath, trying to reel in her anger.

Bucky stayed quiet and just looked at her, judging the weight of what she had just said.

"You have cared for me in a way I have never felt before," Erin continued, "You don't get to decided what kind of love I receive and you don't get to decide _who_ I should receive it from. Only I get to decide that. And you sure as hell don't get to make me love you and decide that you don't want it!" She yelled. Her eyes were filled with tears. As hard as she tried to hide it, she couldn't stop her lower lip from trembling.

Bucky just looked at her, all the pain of the world in his eyes, She walked closer to him and took his metal hand, "Do you remember what I told you? The words that you said brought you back, do you remember them?"

Bucky nodded his head, his eyes never leaving her face.

"You are the person I care about the most in this world and I meant every word of it." She looked down at his hand in hers. "I don't care what you did or who you think you are." She searched his eyes. "I know there's darkness inside of you. I know because I have that same darkness inside of me. If you think for one second that you think you can use me to punish yourself, you have another thing coming." They were toe to toe, chest to chest. She had expected him to back away by now, but he stood his ground.

He looked at her painfully, "I can't give you anything. I don't... I'm all kinds of messed up. I can't ask you to be with someone like that." He said bringing his face closer to hers.

"You're not asking. I know you think you're a monster and I know you think you can't find happiness, but I'm telling you what I think. I think you can overcome what's been done to you. I see it in the way you love Steve and the way you care about the people you've come to know and the way you regret the things you were never in control of. My whole life was planned out for me but I've never belonged anywhere, but when I'm with you Bucky... I know that's where I belong." She took another step closer to him and he didn't stop her. "I don't care what's ahead," She whispered to him, "I'll walk through fire as long as you're with me."

Bucky didn't say anything. He just looked at her the way she always dreamed someone would.

"Please say something." She whispered.

"All I know is that I want you so bad." Bucky said, desperation in his voice.

Erin inhaled a sharp breath. Their lips so close. "As long as you want me... I'm yours."

"How can an angel fall in love with the devil?" He whispered, brushing his lips against hers.

"Trust me, I'm no angel." She whispered into his lips.

Then Bucky crashed his lips into hers.

"I love you," They whispered in between breathes.

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

_________________________________________________

**_"Tell me every terrible thing you've ever done_ **

_**and let me love you anyway"** _

**-Sade Andria Zabala**

 


	28. Chapter 28

**"Querencia (n.) a place from which one's strength is drawn; where one feels at home; the place where you are your most authentic self"**

_"I have something for you." Erin's grandfather whispered. It was late in the evening of Christmas Eve when Erin was 16. Most of the house was asleep already, but Erin and her grandfather always stayed up later than everyone else._

_It was a tradition that Erin and he had held since she had turned 4 when she had convinced her grandfather to let her stay up and see Santa Clause. Every year she fell asleep and every year she asked her him if she could stay up again._

_Even after Erin was old enough to realize that Santa would not be coming down the chimney, they still stayed up together, eating cookies and drinking milk and talking together about anything and everything._

_"Grandpa, it's still ten minutes until Christmas." Erin laughed taking another sip of her mug._

_"I know but I can't wait any longer," He smiled and the wrinkles in his face lit up his eyes in a way that made Erin's heart happy. She watched him get up from his chair and go into the living room coat closet._

_"That's where you've been keeping the presents all of these years?" Erin laughed._

_"Some of them," He winked walking back towards his chair and handing her the present._

_It was a fairly heavy square box wrapped in the most beautiful blue wrapping paper that shined in the firelight. It was wrapped with a golden bow and a card sat on top:_ For Erin.

_"Well are you just going to stare at the wrapping all night or are you going to open it?" Her grandfather joked._

_She looked up and gave him a smirk and then untied the ribbon. It came loose easily and fell to the floor. She ripped open the paper corner by corner until it was ripped free._

_Her eyes widened. Sitting on Erin's lap, was the most beautiful box she had ever seen. The dark wood was worn and scuffed, but still shined like a fresh polish. The box was framed and detailed in silver designs. She knew exactly what it was. "Grandma's silverware box?" Erin breathed looking at her grandfather in disbelief. "You never let anyone near it after she died."_

_Her grandfather nodded his head, "I know, but once you open it, you'll see why."_

_Erin ran her fingers over the silver lock that held the lid fast to its bottom. "What's the code?" She asked._

_"I think you already know." Her grandfather teased._

_Erin narrowed her eyes in suspicion and entered in her best guess._

_It immediately unlocked._

_Inside were all kinds of treasures. There were two levels to the box, the top opened like a chest and then a pull out drawer laid underneath. On the top level were piles of pictures. Erin didn't know how old they all were, at least the 1920s. On the left were three piles of letters, each cluster kept together with an elastic band._

_"You kept all these?" Erin asked in wonder._

_Her grandfather nodded his head._

_Erin gingerly picked up the first stack of letters that were held together and looked at the top letter. "1943?" She read the date aloud, "Letters to grandma?" She asked with more amazement. Tucked onto the ceiling of the top layer was her grandfather's army cap and dog tags he kept from the War. In the top corner of the ground layer was a velvet case. She opened it to reveal her grandfather's Distinguished Service Cross and her grandmother's wedding ring._

_"She would have wanted you to have it." Her grandfather smiled._

_Erin didn't know what to say as tears gathered in her eyes._

_Erin opened the drawer on the bottom to reveal what else her grandfather kept hidden away. It was a stack of papers and folders of all different kinds and colors. Erin took them out and leafed through them. They were papers of codes and formulas and blueprints of all kinds from robotic programming to bio mechanical engineering ideas._

_"This is amazing," Erin whispered, more to herself than her grandfather._

_"My life's work," Her grandfather told her. She looked up at him, confused. "It's yours now." He said._

_"No, this is yours-"_

_"I'm all out of ideas Erin. I've spent my life trying to perfect all of these, but I just can't. I've come to realize that now. You can take them and make them better. You can do more with them than I can."_

_"But Jamie-"_

_"James does not have the mind for this and he knows it. He's an intelligent young man, but he doesn't possess the same tools a person needs to work on these, the tools_ you _have."_

_"I-I wouldn't know where to begin."_

_"That's the beauty of it. You can make it up as you go." He smiled kindly at her._

_Erin didn't have words so she gently placed the papers back into the box. Her hand brushed against something in the back of the drawer that felt like a button. She looked up at her grandfather curiously, but all he did was raise his eyebrows. She pushed the button and on the side of the box sprang open a secret compartment. Erin looked down in it to see her grandfather's S.H.I.E.L.D. badge and a small journal._

_"I have one request," Her grandfather said as she reached for the journal. "Don't open that until I am gone. Forever."_

_"I don't like to think about that." She said as she ran her hands over the cover._

_Erin's grandfather smiled weakly, "The time will come though."_

_Erin looked back to the S.H.I.E.L.D. badge and picked it up opening it. Inside revealed a picture of her grandfather. The man in the picture was much younger than the man who sat next to her now. Although her grandfather now held the weight of a lifetime in his eyes, they still shone just as bright and seemed just as kind._

_The first of Erin's tears ran down her cheek. "Thank you," She managed to say wiping away her tear. She set the box aside and hugged her grandfather tightly._

_He hugged her back just as fiercely, "I love you, Erin. You have such a gift and a light. Don't waste it. No matter what happens to me or to you or the family, don't let it go out." He whispered into her shoulder._

_"I won't." Erin promised._

_********* _

"Close your eyes," Erin said. She stood in front of Bucky as he sat at the end of her bed. His hands gently rested on either side of her waist as hers rested on his shoulders.

They had spent the afternoon in her room, talking and reading. Bucky was finally starting Erin's master list of books he needed to catch up on. It took Erin 200 pages of _The Fellowship of the Ring_ to rake up the courage to do this.

"I really don't like surprises," Bucky replied hesitantly.

Erin lowered her face closer to his, "Just do it." She whispered as seductively as she could. She was pretty sure she failed.

Bucky glared at her, but obeyed.

Erin waved her hand in front of his face to make sure he wasn't watching. She smirked and backed away from him. She turned to retrieve the box that she kept hidden away.

Once Erin got it from its hiding place, she sat down next to Bucky on her bed and took a deep breath. "Okay. Open."

Bucky opened his eyes and looked up giving her a confused look as if to say: _What's in the box? I'm slightly terrified._

Erin held up her grandmother's silverware box. "This," She said setting the box down on the bed. "Is the most precious thing I own." She put in the code that opened the top to reveal all of the treasure inside.

At first glance it looked chaotic. Her grandfather's once orderly papers were everywhere, stacks of photos are unorganized, miscellaneous jewelry and other things from her grandfather's house Erin had collected when he died were everywhere, but Erin knew this box by heart. She knew exactly where everything went and her reasons for placing it there.

Bucky looked at her, questions still lingering in his eyes.

Erin nodded her head, "Go ahead."

Bucky ran his fingers over the edges of the box. "What is this?"

"It's... I guess it's what's left of my family." Erin licked her lips, "These are pictures from all the way back to the 20s. There are pictures of my grandfather, all of our family.

Bucky looked at each picture, setting them down in a neat pile when he was finished looking at them. A stupid smile spread across her face. She loved this, watching him see her most precious things; things she had never shown to anyone.

"Who's this?" He held up a picture.

Erin's smile faded. It was a picture of her and James. In the picture they had their arms around each other laughing and making weird faces. Bucky flipped to the next picture. It was another one of the two of them. James had graduated from high school early when he was 16, but a girl he knew from another school had asked him to her senior prom when they were 18. In the picture he was wearing his tux and his arm was around Erin. They were both smiling, ignorant of what was to come. "That was my brother." She said quietly.

"James?"

Erin nodded, "I called him Jamie," Her lip twitched into a half smile, "But don't flatter yourself, he was nothing like you." She teased.

Bucky's face was serious when he looked at her. _You want to talk about it?_ He seemed to ask.

Erin shook her head. _Not yet._

Bucky seemed to understand and continued to flip through the pictures.

When he got to one picture, a smile spread across his face, "Is this you?" He held it up. Erin was probably 5 years old wearing a princess Leia Halloween costume, complete with the iconic buns and white dress from the original movie.

Erin nodded her head and bit back a smile, "I was just beginning my Star Wars obsession."

"Star Wars?"

Erin gasped, "It just occurred to me that you haven't seen Star Wars yet."

"I haven't!" He laughed. "I've been a little busy if you didn't notice."

Erin put her hand over her face and fell back onto her bed, "I can't believe it." She stared at the ceiling.

"Is it about a war in space?" He snorted.

Erin hit him with her pillow.

"Hey!" He protested.

Soon it turned into a war and he started to tickle her.

"No! No-! Bucky!" She laughed, "Stop!" She couldn't stop laughing her cheeks hurt from smiling.

"I had no idea you were so ticklish!" Bucky laughed.

"Buck- please," She laughed harder twitching from side to side trying to escape from Bucky's grasp, "Stop!"

"Only if you kiss me." He laughed.

"Okay- okay fine-" She didn't have time to finish the sentence before Bucky brought down his lips to hers.

Erin lost herself in his kiss, like she always did. He placed his hand on her waist, his metal one hovering next to the side of her head.

She brought her hands up to his face and pulled him a bit closer.

He pulled back and looked at her, moving stray hairs that had fallen onto her face. She just smiled at him, so happy in the moment.

"I like your laugh," She grinned giddily, running a hand through his hair, "It's nice." She smiled.

Bucky simply smiled back, "Don't tell Sam or else he won't stop making terrible jokes." He chuckled. Then his face turned serious, "Thank you," He whispered, "For sharing this with me."

"I've never shown this to anyone," Erin admitted, "But I'm glad I shared it with you." She smiled.

Bucky kissed her again, "I love you." He said.

"I love you." She ran a hand through his hair.

Bucky smiled, then his eyes suddenly flashed for a moment to her desk next to the bed. His eyebrows scrunched together like he was trying to make sense of what he saw. He sat up on the bed and took the photo that was sitting on top. It was the one of her grandfather, Steve, and him. The one he had thrown in her face.

"I should have put that away," She tried to take it from Bucky, but he pulled away.

"I'm sorry," He said quietly still looking at the picture, "For that day in the training room. I don't know what came over me."

"It's not your fault," Erin said quietly. "Does it...still hurt? To remember? I mean, not physically, but..."

Bucky kept his eyes at the picture, "I suppose... it just reminds me of what they made me; what I've become. I know I'll never be this person again." He looked up at her, his eyes tender and vulnerable. "And that scares me."

Erin rested her chin on his shoulder, "It's okay to be scared." She said, "It means you have something worth fighting to keep."

Bucky turned his head towards her and placed a kiss on her forehead then turned back to the picture. "Do you mind if... if I keep it this time?"

Erin smiled as he peered down at her. "Of course." She said.

He half smiled and looked back down at the box. "What's this?" He asked pulling the half opened bottom drawer of the box.

Erin sat all the way up and reached over to pull the drawer out fully. "It was dad's and grandfather's work. Every design they thought up is in here along with some of Jamie and I's ideas."

Bucky flipped through the pages. "I don't understand any of this but-" He suddenly stopped flipping and landed on a single page. "What is this? It looks a lot like my arm."

Bucky held up a blueprint and Erin took it from him, "It was one of my grandfather's designs," She said, "He never completed the formula though. He thought eventually he could somehow combine the mechanics of robotic and cellular ligaments similar to the way yours works. He never completed the formula though. He was missing something..." Erin trailed off. A single thought started to grow in her head and the more she thought about it the more it grew.

"Erin?" Bucky asked concerned.

"Bucky." Erin said, "I think I know how to permanently fix your arm."

_____________________________________

**_"The most beautiful part is,_ **

**_I wasn't even looking when I found you"_ **

**-Unknown**


	29. Epilogue

**"Kairos (n.) the perfect, delicate, crucial moment; the fleeting rightness of time and place that creates the opportune atmosphere for action, words or movement"**

"Palladium?" Steve asked curiously as Erin once again dashed in front of him to the other table. She had been in the lab all afternoon working on her concoction and Steve and Bucky had been idly keeping her company as she worked.

"Yep." Erin replied, "My grandfather's missing equation. I would have never thought to put the two together in a million years. The formula he originally thought of included quantum magnifiers with geranium and nitrogen and a hydro pulse absorber, but those never mix well with the formula he had so he never figured it out-" Erin stopped for a half a moment to see Steve and Bucky looked completely lost.

"Basically he had both sides of the equation but whenever he tried putting them together something went wrong. It turns out, all he was missing was a final ingredient: Palladium."

"Isn't that what you saw when you... took a field trip through Bucky's memories?" Steve asked.

"Yes but then I didn't know it was one half of the equation I needed. In other words, I had both pieces, it just took me a while to realize they were part of the same puzzle." She paused. "Sit." She ordered looking at Bucky.

Bucky raised an eyebrow, "Yes ma'am."

Erin took out a syringe.

"Are you sure this will work?" Steve asked skeptically.

"I'm really tired of you doubting me Rogers." Erin said not taking her eyes off Bucky's vibranium arm. From the corner of her eye she could see Steve also raise an eyebrow.

"Ready?" She asked looking at Bucky.

He steadily held her gaze. "Let's do it." There was something gleaming in his eyes and it looked suspiciously like hope.

*********

"Okay try lifting this," Erin said pointing to the bar that held 100 pounds on each side.

Bucky looked at her skeptically.

"Metal wiring needs physical therapy just like muscles and nerves. You might not have to be as careful, but it's a good idea." She said.

Bucky walked over to the bar and easily lifted the it up and over his head with his metal arm.

Erin couldn't help but smile, "The serum is working better than I expected." She walked over to Bucky and examined his arm, feeling for anything that could have gone wrong. "The wires aren't even hot." She looked up at Bucky and he was staring at her with those blue eyes. Erin couldn't stop the redness of her face from spreading.

Bucky couldn't suppress a smile, "Erin McCall? Blushing?"

She shoved him away playfully, a smile starting to grow on her face. "Shut up Barnes and go try a couple pull ups."

"Whatever you say." He grinned at her walking over to the pull up bars.

Bucky successfully did 10 one arm pull ups and his wiring held together. Erin couldn't help but be pleased that her own formula fit together perfectly with her grandfather's.

"Okay," She said. "I think that's good for today, I don't want to push anything."

Bucky dropped down from the pull-up bar and took a seat next to Erin on the ground. She was just finish up recording Bucky's progress on one of the touch screens T'Challa's team had given her.

"So what are your findings doctor?" Bucky asked playfully.

"I'm not a doctor. I don't even have a Bachelor's degree." Erin said.

"Just proves the point that a piece of paper doesn't determine how smart you are." He brushed her shoulder with his own playfully.

She tried to suppress her grin by looking back down at the screen. "I don't want to jinx anything, but..." She paused smiling, "I think this is the permanent solution. How does it feel?"

Bucky looked down at his arm and flexed his fingers, "It feels... good."

"The same as before?"

Bucky shook his head, "Not quite, it feels better, more real I think." He looked up at her, "It might sound stupid but it feels... cleaner, less like a stain or a HYDRA weapon. It feels more like me. I've had this arm for so long, but I've never really had control over it... now I feel like I do." He smiled at her, "Thanks to you." Bucky took his metal had and placed it over Erin's.

A warm feeling spread through her chest as she looked down at their hands. "I'm glad I could give that to you." She said. "I finally feel... I don't know. I feel like I've been lost for so long... I think I was meant to do this. I was meant to help you."

Bucky looked away deep in thought.

"What is it?" Erin asked.

"It's... I was just thinking... I can remember bits and pieces about my past, but... everything is still somewhat of a blur." He paused, "What if I... retraced my steps?"

"What do you mean?" Erin asked looking at him.

"I mean... After I pulled Steve from the river, I went to the Smithsonian and saw myself as one of the displays. Seeing myself there... it helped my memory. I've been thinking maybe if I could go to the places that impacted who I was then maybe it would help me remember more things. Maybe my memories could help."

Erin thought carefully for a moment, remembering the way Bucky had reacted to the picture. "Is that what you want? Are you sure you want those memories back?"

Bucky nodded firmly, "Whoever Bucky Barnes was then, I know I can never be him again, but... maybe if I can find the answers I'm looking for I can be someone new, someone better. I've been stuck in this grey area for so long. I'm not James Barnes and I'm not the Fist of HYDRA so I need to figure out who this... new me is." He looked over at Erin, "Does that makes sense?"

Erin nodded her head, "More than you know."

"Would you... Will you help me?" He looked at her hopefully.

"Of course." Erin smiled at him.

"It's going to be dangerous." He leaned closer to her.

"I wouldn't go if it wasn't."

"I don't know what we'll find, or if we'll find anything-"

"Bucky." She interrupted him. Bucky shut his mouth. "You're not the only one who's been lost in the grey." She said quietly looking down, "Whoever I was fell when S.H.I.E.L.D. did. I still don't know who I am either." She looked up at Bucky who was studying her. "Maybe we can find our way out together."

He smiled down at her and kissed her on her temple as she rested her head on his shoulder.

They were quiet for a few moments before Bucky softly spoke up, "Do you think... Do you think I could still be forgiven, that I'm still redeemable?"

She rested her chin on Bucky's shoulder, "Yes Bucky, I've always believed that."

*********

"You want to do what?" Steve asked, shocked at what Bucky and Erin were asking him.

"I need answers Steve and I won't find them sitting around here." Bucky said. "You've told me everything you thought could help me remember and I'm grateful, but I need to know more. I want the whole picture."

Steve scrunched his brows together. "Do you have any idea how dangerous this is? If you leave you'll be beyond T'Challa's protection. I won't be able to protect you either!" Steve said raising his voice.

"We're no use to anyone sitting here waiting for this war to start. If we do this, we could find things to help us win. Whatever is coming for us... it won't do us any good if we don't know ourselves." Erin argued.

"We need to do this, Steve." Bucky said locking eyes with his friend. " _I_ need to do this." Erin watched them in some kind of battle, neither of them backing down.

Steve's shoulders began to loose, "This is insane."

"We'll be able to check in with you regularly. T'Challa's quinnjets are untraceable."

Steve thought for a long moment, "I suppose I can't stop you, no matter how stupid I think it is."

"We can do this Steve," Erin said, placing a hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her, defeat written on his face. "I think we were meant to."

*********

Erin and Bucky stood outside of the safe house readying themselves to leave. The team Erin had come to know and love the past few months stood outside wishing them goodbye.

"I'm going to miss you McCall." Sam said enveloping Erin in a huge hug.

"You too Sam," She smiled back. "Don't do anything exciting until we get back."

Sam scoffed, "You're taking all the excitement with you." Sam turned to Bucky to say goodbye as Erin tuned to Wanda.

"Be careful." Wanda said hugging her fiercely.

Wanda was the person Erin was saddest about leaving. She already missed her sister. "Always," Erin said.

Wanda pulled back and her eyes were shining, "I hope you find what you both are looking for." she smiled.

"Me too." Erin smiled back.

"You know your father would kill me if he knew I was letting you do this." Clint said coming up and hugging her.

Erin smiled hugging him back, "I think he would understand."

Clint pulled back smiling at her and then turned to Bucky, "You better take care of her Barnes. You know why they call me Hawkeye?"

Bucky shook his head.

"Keep in that way, because you don't want to find out." Clint said looking dead serious.

"I won't let her out of my sight." Bucky said smirking at Erin.

They both turned to Steve last. He had his arms crossed standing in front of the jet. "I still don't like this. It's a bad idea."

"We'll be in contact regularly and we'll update you when we can." Erin said.

"This is going to help Steve, I know it." Bucky said confidently.

Steve nodded and stuck out his hand towards Bucky, "Good luck."

Bucky took his hand and shook it for a brief moment before pulling Steve into a hug, "Be careful." Erin heard Steve say quietly.

"I will." Bucky replied. He gave Steve a small smile before heading up the ramp of the quinnjet.

Steve turned towards Erin. "Erin, I never thanked you."

"For what?" She asked.

"Everything. Our team has been broken for a while now. I think... you've helped put us back together a little bit."

Erin's heart swelled, "You guys finally gave me a place I feel like I belong. For so long I was... trapped. I couldn't feel anything for a long time, now I look around," She looked back at the team standing on the doorway of the safe house, "And I see people that can hurt me because I care about them so much." She turned back to Steve, "I can never thank you enough for that."

Steve pulled her into a tight hug, burying his face into her shoulder, "Take care of my best friend, okay?"

"With my life." She whispered back. She pulled back and kissed Steve on the cheek before heading into the jet after Bucky.

He was sitting in one of pilot seats waiting for her.

"So, where do you want to start?" Erin asked taking the seat next to him.

"I think we should start from the beginning," Bucky said, "I think we should start in Brooklyn."

___________________________________________

_**"She knew she loved him when 'home'** _

_**went from being a place to being a person."** _

**-E. Leventhal**


End file.
